Depression feels like home

Hey everyone,

My name is Daisy and I'm a 19 year old girl from Amsterdam.

I feel very distant for some reason, from the terms "depression" and "anxiety". I believe this is primarily because I refused to get myself to a doctor to discuss this and constantly trivialised my own struggles. I always thought I was overeacting when I would have a panic attacks sometimes at school, or when I would rather watch paint dry, than celebrate my birthday. Still, to this date, I have not yet visited a doctor to discuss depression/anxiety to get "officially diagnosed." Each time I go near my phone to book an appointment, my mind tells me I'll get better someday, and to not waste my own and other people's time. I know I have depression. I know I have anxiety. I know I've felt like this at least since I was 15. I've had anxiety much before that, though. It's not that I don't want to get better, because I really really really do. I just am too used to this feeling. It feels like home, to feel numb. It feels good. And that sounds so awful and selfish. I enjoy my own company and I almost feel as though now my depression is a security blanket. And I'm not too sure what this means, or where how to deal with this.

This is affecting my relationships, and mostly, my college work. I barely study, as my attention span is horrible. I feel a heavy heart and I feel like I can't remember anything. My brain is too busy telling me how much I will fail, whilst studying.

I know I'm not doing much, and maybe I do have some fault in terms of not trying to get better in that sense.

This is the first time I've opened up about my feelings.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read this. Have a lovely day.