Depression in Relaionships
Dear Readers,
Thank you for taking the time to read. Depression is such a self-indulgent pitiful illness. It seems that the struggles we face living with depression are most prominent when we have someone reflecting back.
Many people associate depression with sadness, which it is, but it can also be so much more. For many, myself included, depression manifests itself as fatigue, isolation, agitation, anger, irritability, compulsive behavior or control dynamics. So often I think we forget that depression doesn't always mean lying in bed all day, although often it does.
One of my biggest challenges has been parenting through a depressive episode. It feels like moving through wet cement and when I finally do come up for air, I am riddled with guilt and round and round the vicious cycle goes. I do my best to be gentle and objective, but sometime I am often seriously disappointed in the things that this illness steals from me. I worry that this will have a profound effect on my son, no matter how transparent, loving, or supportive I try to be. I am hoping he grows to be resilient like his father, but there are no guarantees. As if that wasn't enough, I have generational trauma and depression has a strong genetic component.
Depression symptoms most definitely impact my marriage and co-workers as well. Many people find me unapproachable - when in reality I just display a generally flat affect due to trauma. After people get to know me they realize that I am one of the calmest, sweetest, quietest people they've ever met. I genuinely try to generate an effort, but I also genuinely lack enthusiasm. I always have. As a true-blue introvert this doesn't bother me, but I can see how others may get the wrong impression.
A similar but different challenge I face is in the inability to effectively mask how I am feeling. My hurt, fear, and frustration wears all over my face no matter how hard I try to force the curves of a smile. The truth is, I am really rather complacent and most days feel as if I am just waiting for the train.
If I could change one thing about this, I would certainly spare my loved ones. I try to shield them as much as I can. I try to hold myself accountable, but sometimes it just feels like these are the challenges that come with being close to a mentally ill, passionate scorpio like me.
The truth is I had every intention of living a solitary life, if any life at all, but the universe had other plans.
What has helped you better manage your relationships while living with depression?
-Blithe
@blitheSun94
Hello Blithe, thanks for sharing. I love your self-awareness and self-reflection. I am glad you have people around you and in your life, as if they weren't there you might cut off from people. It sounds like you feel a lot of responsibility for their wellbeing. 💛💛
@blitheSun94 Theres parts of this story is very familiar indeed and I can relate to it, a positive out of this I feel is the fact that like you I have the awareness of others and although dealing with the crap you still strive to protect your kids, but one thing that has certainly helped/helps me is knowledge about whats going on the more I learn about this dreadful illness the more accepting I am of it and as time goes on the better I have become at masking it but still working on it.
Thank you for sharing. That is very much the case. As if that wasn’t enough, there are different kinds of depression. I have mixed episodes related to bipolar disorder. It’s very hard.
Wow, this was written late last year but it's still true today.
It's pretty strange when you revisit your old writings. Sometimes I impress myself with my insight, or at least my ability to articulate it. Executing it still takes practice and probably always will.
I know at times I can be hard to read, but mostly I am a transparent and open person.
I have never been gregarious or outgoing, but I do love a good laugh with the right people. Often, I feel misunderstood more than anything else. Typically, I don't experience loneliness in the traditional sense of the word, but depression can be very isolating, especially when those around you internalize it and take it personally. I find that as I grow older, I am less willing to carve out new relationships.
How has trauma impacted the way you interact with others?
In your experience, did you live through traumatic experiences that triggered the development of your depression, or have your depressive episodes caused traumatic experiences in your life - or is it both?
As always, thank you for reading and I look forward to hearing from you.
-Blithe
Hi @blitheSun94 thanks for sharing as have been reflecting a lot on the topic of depression, attachment issues and relationships.
In my 40s I gave never yet cohabited and my last stable relationship which lasted more than a few months was over 3+20 years ago.
I always blamed depression as I feel very heavy in my mind and maybe I want to spare other people from experiencing it but yet I keep starving for some connection and cannot find anyone interested in more than a friendship or acquaintance.
It seems to me the only themes which remained throughout these years of depression has been this deep longing.
Last year I dud a psychological assessment and I was told I have an attachment disorder (anxious) and the professional I was seeing said this explains why I've always been alone these years.
The attachment patterns are heavily influenced by trauma. I'm trying to work on trauma now but depression pushed me back again. So I have no idea if I'll ever manage to tackle the attachment issue per se.
Wishing you well
Hi Lemon,
Thank you for your reply. Attachment styles are definitely something to be taken into consideration as they certainly impact our relationships with others.
I would have to say I most likely alternate between anxious, avoidant, and detachment. Sometimes I feel all the hurt in the world, other times I feel nothing at all.
I know I am no picnic, but I managed to find a wife who balances me pretty well. To be fair, she found me, but after a long line of toxic relationships the difference is clearer than ever.
I hope you find healing. ❤️
-Blithe
@Blithe the name reminds me of Shelley 's poem.
Thank you for your kind words. It's great that you have found such a connection.
I think sometimes we need to detach and feel less because if you are highly sensitive it is overwhelming to feel so much.
Wishing you well on your journey
@anonyLemon4233
Thank you! I can most definitely relate to that. I alternate between ultra-sensitivity and feeling nothing at all. Learning how to temper that is a large part of the self-work I try to practice. It's not always easy, but awareness helps.
-Blithe
