Depression, loss and self harm.

Just before we got married my fianc collapsed from a brain haemorrhage as she screamed my name.

Three months later they gave me back a long-term disabled future Wife.

For 16 yrs I adapted, adjusted and coped with our radically new life. I had to give up my dream job, move, and start to become a husband, a nurse, and a therapist. My social life died and for a long time I?ve been isolated.

Several seizures a day or more, bet wetting, a confused and very angry wife lost in a world of hurt, fear and Drs drugs, was my daily life; along with our then two small children.

But! I have always been strong mentally and physically. I ploughed through and fought like mad to get her well, feed us all and keep a safe home.

I knew that I would have to put my dreams, desires, wants and needs to one side, as I knew how much work was needed if we were ever to have any kind of husband-wife life (Laughter, fun, holidays, stupid jokes, all the normal daft things) in the future.

My plan worked to some extent. It took ten years of concentrated effort, re-training for my wife, re-learning, confidence etc. But I got there, tired out but ready for us to have a more normal life, some fun, just like other couples, and even time for me.

What I did not expect was my Dad getting ill 4 yrs ago, and suffering a painfully slow and humiliatingly drawn out death.

For the last 4 years I?ve been going from disabled wife to humiliated and angry father (Alzheimer?s/dementia/Parkinson)

I was very close to my Dad.

Lying in a bed 24 hrs a day dying piece by piece near killed me, as I watched him lose his control over everything.

Battling others to maintain their respect for him, and not just treat him as a something to talk over.

Worse, much worse.

I lost the plot, too late I realised that mentally I had gone beyond the point of safe return alone. I swallowed my pride and asked the close friends I still had for help.

Timing is everything, of the two - One had just got cancer,(I supported them for 7 months) and the other was falling into their own personal hell.

The last, I was so scared of losing them, I told them; see you in a year I'll be back.

The end result, I was worse than I realised.

I am clinically depressed and am lost in a world of hurt, pain, resentment, anger.... ohhh anger and tears.

What I want more than anything is to just be able to talk to someone, and to be heard.

Thanks.

Seamus