Depression,trauma and trial - my path to faith

Where does one even begin such a story? A
magical adventure that has changed my life and characterized
my life forever, I suppose I will start at my first
memory...


When I was a child my parents were
alcoholics, my father freshly out of the army would fight
with my mother often (not physically) in our ghetto
apartment in Philadelphia, gun shots outside were a common
occurrence, and I have several memories from this time in my
life. I was almost two years old at the time still very much
a baby becoming a toddler, my brother is twenty two months
older than me,and here is my first childhood memory. I am at
a small table in the living room next to my brother, a
candle is lit, and my mother is crying and my dad is next to
her, which was impactful and I was concerned for my mother,
she explained to my brother and me, that her and my father
would no longer leave us to go out drinking at night that
they were going to change, she then put us to bed.

Next, I remember my brother waking me
up and beginning to pick me up, it was the middle of the
night and dark, though with enough of a moonlight hue that i
could see what appeared to be an opaque entity, formless,
and yet somehow perceivable, in the room with us. He was
comforting, familiar, and I knew I had this seen this
entity(God) before. My brother quickly whisked me away, and
took us down the stairs and up again to the apartment next
door ,and he began knocking on the door, a very tired and
concerned woman answered the door, and my brother told her,"
my parents left us again" ,and she took us in where we
waited for my parents car to return, and that's the end of
my first memory.

The thing about this "entity" in the
darkness is that I remember it appearing in another memory,
that prior to last year I thought may have been a dream ,
but last year changed all that the most magical beautiful
experiences happened to me, and at the risk of sounding
crazy here goes.

I remember, standing in front of the
world on the moon (as if the globe was in perspective)
standing next to God formless,that very loving and
kind. He was presenting a choice and that choice was to live
a human life, there were others around though I don't
remember what they looked like, the thing was, the choice
was solely mine to make, and I watched the life that I would
live every moment played before me, and it was to be a sad
and painful life which God was understanding and kind. As
you know I choose to come here sometimes in my depression I
still wonder why.

The rest of my childhood was pretty
rocky, in church I was afflicted I would hear in my ear
"you're judas Iscariot " and I would feel disgusted with
myself. I would pray to God and have sexual thoughts and I
felt ashamed, dolls would come to life in my room and they
were evil, and I would see spirits that would scare me and
all that while I began to be sexually abused by a friend and
his family both my sister and I ,despite my many afflictions
I still kept the faith and preached God and His love to
others.

By the time i was 14 years old i was a
extremely rebellious teenager, I pretty much did anything i
wanted when ever i wanted. I was the class clown and the the
leader of resistance,a loner and misunderstood, little did i
know how real that would become for me.

I went to truancy court and a judge
promised my parents that a program in Montana called "spring
creek lodge" would guarantee my ascent into normality, and
by a stroke of fate or my parents jadedness , i found my
self exiled in what i can only describe as a modern day
concentration camp for children in the good old U.S.A.

Upon my arrival, everything was normal
my father dropped me off and it looked like a cabin in the
woods, with children who were very respectful and dressed in
formal dress. When he left, that is when the fun began. The
first day i was there i was beaten i was in the lunch hall
and i was talking to another person who had just arrived
they separated us into "family's" and because i was talking
and a "level one"- which basically meant you had to be
broken still) I was drug out unable to eat and beaten by
four staff members. I fought back but to little avail, but
at that moment i realized just what I had got myself into
and knew I had to get away.

The first six months they did not allow
us to write or receive letters from our parents, they used
this as a tactic to break us and so that we could not
communicate what was really going on, they psychically and
psychologically abused us everyday. A few days in i realized
they were using children who they had broke as shills, to
infiltrate any resistance among the newer ones, they
gathered us in a group and told us that if any of us ran
they would send these kids who had been there for years to
chase us down with rocks,and they did; there was an incident
of a runner they sent these children after him and beat him
bloody and dragged him back.

I would not stand for this, i would not
break! under any circumstance, not only did I wish to get
away i wished to revolt- one time there was a line of girls
walking by, and they wouldn't let us look at the girls, and
i intentionally was checking them out, I nodded at one and
winked (she smiled) and once again was taken away and
beaten, boy did I fight these guys every chance I got. They
threw me in a isolation unit that is always supervised, it
was called "the hobbit" - a girl had been in there for nine
months and she had hung herself in there under supervision.
When they released me I would make plans with other children
we were gathering weapons, I was planning a revolt and to
escape this.

I cannot stress the amount of human
rights abuses that took place, when they found out my plans
they threw me in the hobbit indefinitely, and I had finally
started getting the better of this staff member who
especially liked beating me up in the mornings. the day
previously I had dislodged one of his teeth in the fight;
needless to say he hated me, and swore to me he would kill
me if he had the chance. I was awoken one morning by him he
had a smile on his face, he said," they were sending me to
Jamaica a further WWASP program that will break kids
especially hard to handle", i spit in his face and told him
to f* himself. My mother got worried hearing that news, and
having not received even a letter or a call. She came and
got me when she arrived I was black and blue she was crying,
we left and never looked back.

Time went on I was homeschooled and I
got my GED and went to community college at 16 years old. I
was intent on helping others I loved people although I had
never been truly loved and that's when I met my would be
wife.I met her may 2006, I walked up stairs in Rogers house,
the gayest homosexual young boy predator, millionaire porn
director. To my best friend Chris laying in bed with a
beautiful girl, they both covered up. (Chris had been on the
streets for sometime and was trying to make ends meet the
best way he could, sacrificing his morals.) I forget the
events but certainly remember my ride home alone with mindy.
I showed her my art and unbenounced to me she was falling in
love. Now i was a rather intoxicated fellow at the time, i
grew mushrooms and had was having an existential crisis of
some kind. 6 months later i met her again this time at
chris's apartment, man was she lovely. We talked all night
regardless of Chris's concerns. I told her my dreams ( im
going to move to the mountains in a log cabin) she listened
and agreed. Later i found out she was taking videos of me
when i'd hop out of the shower in chris's apartment while
she quietly sat on the couch. LOL


Time went on, and just kind of became
the three of us did everything. Alot of story missing, it
came down too a threesome type situation in a hotel. now i
was well beyond tripping i was hearing thoughts and radio
frequency's, not to mention i wasnt interested in a shared
woman, i prefer a woman to my self. regardless she woke up
with my arm around her, when she realized she didnt pull it
off. Chris's jelousys showed, it was funny and i never
understood it at the time, as liberal as we were he had
become increasingly forceful with women and the word had
come back to me. Regardless me and MIndy/Min we became like
two peas and a pod, we just went together. Well she begged
me to an airport one day i wasnt sure how she got my number
but for safety reasons i was convinced by her to go lol. She
broke up with chris the next day and we were dating however
not technically boy friend and girlfriend. She had left some
stuff at chris's apartment, she went over there she got
raped and told me later that night.


I confronted him over the phone and he
confirmed his guilty deed, by saying you cant prove it,
going on about mindy and how i need to be careful. I
reminded him to be watchful of his personal saftey in life,
and i got off the phone. So the time went on the i was
pressuring her to take care of this issue legally and she
wouldnt however it was a big deal to her esteem and dignity.
She had sexual issues with her father when she was young.
Eventually after lots of sex and great times starring at
each other broke in some random shore town listening to led
zeppelin, i felt obligated to deal with this issue. I
reasoned i knew where chris worked and lived i had someone
else knock, i covered up, and Chris no longer lived there.
Never herd from chris again, probably the best for everyone.




Time kept marching, i was employed at
my fathers company but being young dumb and **** i didnt
care. I'd show up to work or not show up at all. Well she
was late on her period 3 months. I came home one day gave
her a test asked her to pee on it. She was very much
pregnant. I got fired the next day by my own dad( he didnt
know about the baby or maybe he did and just didnt care and
my memory is being biased) So we were in need, i had star
spangled eyes. Said babe i'm joining the army i took the
asvab and had 110 gt and 70 score, when asked what i wanted
to do, i said infantry( family tradition)

I was only in for two years a lot
happened in those two years some of it I don't fully
understand let me give you an example. Once at a reggae bar
in wurzburg Germany drinking heavily while attempting to buy
hash from two African guys who frustratingly thought I was
Interpol and would not sell. I thought to myself if I could
just get these guys drunk enough maybe they will so round
after round I bought drinks. That is until a Turkish man
dressed as an American ganster walked in with his beautiful
red headed girl friend. So naturally I invited them over
that's when the man told me to shut up and if I wanted to we
could take it outside. I was upset furious that a cordial
invite led to his blatant disrespect. My glass was shaking
in my hand as the man and his girl friend sat behind me
having had enough I turned around and punched him in the
face with my glass and ran out the door. The thing was he
caught up to me and as I looked behind me I saw him in black
mist moving extremely fast and he cut me on my forehead and
that was all. I never could fully understand this now I
believe the military is knee deep in spiritual warfare.

I remember once on a virtual train
range in ft bending Georgia all of our shot groups were
being recorded by a computer and I shot three bullets
through one whole without any measurable distance the drill
sergeant asked me ,"did you shoot three times " to I replied
," yes" as it was recorded on the computer. Anyway a lot
happened in the military my roommate carmack went crazy
grabbed a gun and held up his girlfriend and he was shot and
killed. Many were coming back from Iraq and suiciding and
not being given honor burials. I would walk into the
barracks on Sunday morning hearing crying and wailing at the
memorials as everyone passed like nothing was happening ,
yet I was moved by it. I ended up leaving because of
disagreements with the jackbooted authority and the lack of
compassion for fellow soldiers I didn't want anything to do
with it anymore. I received a general under honorable
conditions discharge which means I'm a veteran and I came
home.

I met my son I had two more children
with my wife. I had pacemaker installed because my heart was
failing indeed the painful world literally broke my heart.
During a suicide attempt I spit on a cop I did a year in
prison for that. Needless to say my relationship was very
fractured and rocky with my wife. Fast forwarding in
2016 my wife cheated on me had a baby with another man and
left me homeless.

I'll never forget that fateful day
riding with my father to a bus station to leave me homeless.
July 8th 2016 I jumped from his vehicle head first into
concrete at 55mph and I bounced and bounced and bounced but
I didn't break a bone I just had a scratch on my chin. At
the hospital the doctor asked me if I had ever heard of
divine providence and that I was blessed to be alive. Having
lost all even my faith calling myself an agnostic and
atheist on bad days mad at God I responded," I don't want to
hear that I'm still here just do your job Doctor".

So there I was, wondering the streets
of downtown Dallas Texas at that time I only wished to
forget the pain of my past ,In hopes of fighting the rashes,
and concrete, and the pains of hunger, alcohol became a
logical choice - at least when Im drunk I can smile and
laugh. The fear of addiction and its consequences was
nonexistent, the silent but obvious truth is that my
situation could not get any worse, with the exception of
death, but even then such a fate is not entirely unwelcome,
in fact the prospect of nothingness had been the source of
many nights content. This may sound like I has given up, but
that is not so, this is just the beginning.


I soon meet a friend named John and we
shared similar ideas both of us had lost faith in God,
though we came from completely different backgrounds, with
no better option and nothing to lose we walk the city
together, his new friend showed me many resources, and life
seemed to be getting a little better. One day we
showed up at a Christian street sermon, which in all
reality is a type of trade - so long as you listen to them
scream and act completely insane over Jesus, while telling
toothless, emaciated, homeless men and women that they
should give money to God, that if their lives are bad now to
be greatful, and to look forward to death and the subsequent
replacement body and eternity with Jesus. If you can hang in
after all that, you will get a hotdog.

At one particular sermon it became
especially entertaining as the pastor was continuously
interrupted by a drunken, belligerent, ne'er-do-well the
pastor unexpectedly lost his serenity, and began choking out
the interrupter. John and I were over come with
laughter but the crowd did not share in our humor. The
matter was eventually resolved and a hotdog was provided and
off we went.

Later that night the ideas that were
preached began weighing on the my mind, I was becoming aware
That the doctrine essentially makes you subservient to the
state and an open wallet to the magic men who claim to have
some special understanding of Gods word. Even though the
message never changes and when it boils down conversion is
the ultimate goal. All of that is fine, well maybe not fine,
but on its own it at least appeared harmless, however once
realizing that many churches are in predominantly poor
areas, and shamelessly asking for tiding, it becomes
something sinister as its targeting disadvantaged people
while selling hope- something I learned quickly, was to
ignore and be wary of anyone who sells hope, because hope
does not exist outside of oneself, but that hope is the
product of past experience and the willingness to stay the
course. After the long thought trail I decided that I would
challenge anyone who spreads false and poisonous messages to
the disadvantaged, and in a rare moment of comfort I fell
asleep and rested .
I was experiencing insanity everyday,
sometimes it was humorous and other times painfully sad, I
was evolving in extreme poverty soon realizing that even
freewill is lie. It became very obvious that freewill is
simply a primitive doctrine, and perpetuated by religion in
an effort to justify wrath from God. The truth is every
choice is influenced and does not occur independently of
circumstance. Knowing that freewill is restricted cause him
even more of a philosophical quagmire, It directly
confronted my parents idea that somehow we are able to
choose ourselves out of any situation, even in the face of
insurmountable struggle. Sarcastically, i couldn't help but
think," yea #en right mom and dad" i then playfully
exclaimed in an abandoned parking lot surrounded by
abandoned buildings," choose your way out of bi polar,mom!"
And then addressing my father while yelling," choose your
way out of having your hilti stolen! Better yet, once you
become aware of your hilti being stolen, make a choice
totally independent of that occurence, like spin on your
head or something, oh but wait, even then your choice is
directly influenced by the realization that your stuff is
stolen, yes indeed there's no escape." Building yelling
became somewhat regular for me, and the counseling of
silence was nurturing.

On another day I began staring at the
clouds and thinking about weather ( a passion that I've
previously loved but in homelessness the time and energy for
passions disappear.) As I stared at the sky it dawned on me
that nature is the only fair and moral system, that it truly
does give and take away but without malice or favor. That it
is a process, and in its complexity it gave rise to
consciousness from inanimate matter. Its was almost
laughable to speak of a magic man in the sky when we have
super massive black holes colliding in outer space creating
gravity waves, which then leads to education. The
understanding that education or the lack there of and
poverty, are deeply tied together saddened me because I knew
that the system in place produces societal casualties, and
then aggressive tactics inherently targeting the poor and
used by lenders, hope sellers, and police to milk the last
drops of value from the disadvantaged. The feeling of dread
finally became understood in logical terms and could not be
denied, the whole system is a planned process in which those
with money will often be protected and have avenues and
doors available which allows for security and class
mobility; and that poor people will be targeted and taken
advantage of,thus rarely escaping poverty, the system just
keeps going and going seemingly proving the existence of a
perpetual motion machine. ( I have avoided the full
descriptions of my daily struggle simply because writing it
would be never ending) however after all of these
realizations I was thrown for yet another loop, I met the
"secret police".

So, it turns out secret police have
setup illegal gambling/drug rooms in primarily poor areas.
They are frame and sting operations, in which they sell
drugs, investigate, harass, and intimidate poor drug users.
It appears that their motives (I know this sounds crazy) are
to eradicate the homeless/undesirables from society, by
either imprisonment, death, and their personal favorite
insanity.

Soon after all this even more insanity
was on the horizon . John my friend was stabbed and that is
the last I've ever heard from him, unfortunately I wasn't
there instead I had been taken by ambulance to emergency
detox as I was heavily detoxing I became furious in the
ambulance and begin to attack the police officer who had
bought me a hotel room previously because I am a veteran he
was my friend. As I was becoming irate they shot me up with
ketamine and I had no memory until waking up in a hospital
bed with a blue hue in my vision hearing a monotoned voice
next to me unable to make out what he was saying I fell back
asleep. Again I woke up and realized the monotoned voice was
a patient next to me with brain damage from drinking an
ominous warning as it were from God. Then the nurse walked
in and said," oh you're awake you fought eight police
officers in the waiting room last night, I've never seen a
man do that if you need any Ativan just let me know" I
said ," I did what?!? Why am I not in handcuffs?" And she
said," I don't know if you were anyone else you would be"
freaked out I ripped all my Ivs out and headed for the door.
I went ama (against medical advice ) I was just impacted
overwhelmed by everything nothing made sense anymore and I
walked two miles to an aa meeting in the rain.

I listened to what everyone had to say
solemn I sat sobbing inside. I thought "what have I become".
I went to a Denny's later on that night and I decided that
If I was going to die this way that I would die in the
mountains so I decided to go find peace to walk to Colorado.
I began walking and as I walked I cried and the rain fell,
with every step I cried harder and the rain poured as if
crying with me.

Things started changing people were
picking me up giving me money without asking they were
helpful and loving it was a beautiful reprieve from my
normal life. I made it to Boulder Colorado in three days,
there I spent all winter long drinking and sleeping outside
once I slept outside in -15 degrees I was fine that's when I
started considering God. I would look up at the stars at
night and cry little did I know God had a plan for me He was
going to show me His love and prove Himself to me, (for this
I am forever greatful to God) I met some friends (Mathew and
James ) at a McDonald's in evergreen Colorado (Mathew and
James lol divine humor like from the bible) I was traveling
west I was intent to walk over the Colorado summit to
California . I had never been so I thought what the hell
lets go to California With the led zeppelin song
playing in my head once again I started to walk (going to
California in fact here it is for those interested.)



https://youtu.be/PDIz4talyQk

So there I am in evergreen Colorado
with Mathew and James at a McDonald's and lo and behold a
woman named sheli starr walks in and straight up to me and
says," you look like you need a car more than I do I have a
jeep outside it has head gasket issue but if my stuff is out
of it and the key in it within the hour than its yours"
rolling my eyes I said," ok well I have to go shower in
Idaho springs and when I return we will talk about this
"free car". Sure enough when I returned the key was in the
ignition and the car empty. So immediately I call the police
lol, I thought it must be stolen or something terrible well,
the police check it out they say it's not stolen and the car
insured to the driver. Astonished and eagerly excited I look
at Mathew and with a half smile I say," you wanna goto
California " and he says ," yup" there we were three
homeless travelers in a free car driving to California we
would make jokes and comment on how ridiculous the whole
thing was was even found a wooden cross with a point on it
in the back seat of the cars we made jokes that we were
vampire hunters traveling west lol.

We arrived to sunny beautiful Northern
California in San fransico we split ways and I was alone
again and starting to drink my loneliness away at a gas
station north of San Fran . That's when I meet Joey ray I
wish I had never met him . The night before meeting him I
had a dream of the same environment that I was in at the gas
station in the car and I saw what appeared to be a volcano
erupting behind me and people began to run but as the "ash"
got closer I realized it wasn't ash at all it was a black
must with skulls inside of it devouring everything in its
path. Frightened I ran and that's when what I can only
describe as acended masters (ninja like peopl) began
plucking me out of certain doom, and I woke up sweating
thinking I'm sure glad that was a dream . However now
looking back I realize it was a forshadowing of things to
come . (I'm going to play songs from time to time capturing
the feeling and just because they help me write )

https://youtu.be/trinU3VD1Zo

Joey Ray now let me tell you this man
looked like the crypt keeping, and he said that would drive
my car north to Klamath and if I wanted I could stay with
him and his family. I thought hey what the heck I've come
this far, might as well go further and further I went. We
arrived to a Native American reservation and I met his
"daughter" (she wasn't his daughter) and her name is Marsha
three days after arriving she was jumping my bones and
reluctantly I had sex though I didn't enjoy it and then
after sex she tells me she has hepatitis c (wonderful
shaking my head) I soon realize that these people are
thieves but that's just after they stole my car. You see I
allowed them to use my car and drive down to eureka while I
stayed in Klamath marshas mother needed a surgery and
altruisticly I thought I should let them use the car that
was freely given to me. Well they came back a week past
expected not with my jeep but with a van. I said ," that's a
cool magic trick you turned my jeep into a van" they said
that the jeep had broken down so they traded it for the van.
To which honestly I didn't mind all that I wanted to know
was that the car was legit. A few weeks later driving in
eureka California with Marsha and Joey we are pulled over at
gun point. Joey goes to jail and I have to explain the weird
story of the jeep and what all had occurred amazingly they
bought it. It is the truth after all, and Marsha an I were
left homeless in streets of eureka .

I soon split up with Marsha and I met a
satanist named Jaron he lived in a bush and I didn't mind
the whole dark Satan thing I talked to him about love and if
you are going to choose any side why not Gods side for who
would want to worship the contentious embodiment of all
things evil Satan . Never the less he showed me some magical
things he showed me that he could "astral project" and we
had long discussions about sanity my position was that doubt
keeps you sane his position was that doubt is insanity.
Magical things started taking place at amazing rate too many
to recount one particular occurrence was I saw a red haired
woman in a deck of cards who seemed familiar, the next day I
saw the same picture in a car window and later on that day
the picture in path on the ground I picked it up and it was
her. A red haired beautiful woman winking drinking out of a
martini glass seductively with a cherry in her mouth. She
was near a river and the forest behind her. I looked at the
back of the drawing and written there in big letters was
"we're all here for the last round up".


I couldn't believe what was happening I
found a book called life 101 that tipped my disbelief and
anger towards God, and I told God ,"ok I'm here at the table
what do you need me to do Father" that's when things got
even stranger there was an ominous feeling like something
was coming for me Jaron would whisper to his friends and I
was a bit paranoid. One time I was walking along at midnight
and a woman rides by on her bike through the fog singing ,"
run for your life, run for your soul". It was totally eerie
but I wasn't going to run all that I had was my life and I
knew that was God given. I was doing drugs at that point I
had quit drinking I was using needles and one night the very
night we all felt something was coming for me, I shot up
dope and my heart began to fail severe chest pain I told my
friend to call the ambulance and just as he was a car
wrecked boom 50 meters away. The ambulance was confused on
which scene to goto if it was the same scene we both were
taken to the hospital in Arcata aptly named "mad river"
there I was dying and him Bing revived when the questions
started coming from an unknown source, I couldn't lie the
pain was shooting through me and I was asked if I would give
me life up for the man next to me because I choose to be
there. At first I said no and I relented because of the pain
and said yes then I was asked to choose a number 3 or 9 I
choose 9 and then to sign X or O I signed X then I realized
what was happening reality was changing I was dying and
being condemned to Sheol by the accused himself. I cried out
to Jesus Christ i said," Jesus Christ died on the cross for
all of my sins and rose again on the third day!" It all
stopped the questions stopped the pain subsided I survived I
was literally saved by Jesus Christ. The man next to me died
strangely my name is Jarod McCusker his name was Jarrod
waddle.

Soon after I was freaked out and I knew
I needed help I had been hanging out in a place called the
"devils playground" in eureka and I had to get help for
addiction so I went the the arc (lol all biblical things,
the adult rehabilitation center ARC) anyway I soon
checked out and I became really devoted to God . I made my
way to Marysville California (Mary the mother of Jesus)I
even wrote this prayer -

O LORD,you are my light shining your
Love. You have crowned me in your majesty , molding me with
gladness. Lord our God , unveil your steadfast love once
more, take my wheel from its shame turn it to your time,
your season of holiness; your wisdom is a melody of
splendor, giving to immeasurable riches,peace on the water;
joy in the morning, faith in my weakness. O Lord of my
salvation, who can be like you! without you we are in
despair, hopeless without you. When you hide your face I am
made strong, fear of loosing your love, you reaveal your
faithfulness; only a moment could I not see you,
faithfulness refined, conviction unvield. Peace you provide
you rejoice in my victory,guiding me, my Rock, my refuge.
Your voice thundering in your temple, our hearts. When my
enemies lower me in their assembly, you give me strength ,
Lord our God you are everything, I am nothing without you
and never am I without you. Thank you Father in your Sons
name Jesus Christ awaiting Your Greatest promise I love you.
Amen


https://youtu.be/Sc6SSHuZvQE

People started coming into my life
strange people with messages always about what I was
thinking about. I had been reading the bible again I saw the
love of Jesus Christ and my heart opened up yes my heart of
stone had been turned into a tender heart of love. I had
some questions regarding some verses in the bible that
didn't seem loving and I wrote them down in my journal one
day with my bible open and my journal next to me on a
beautiful morning with pastel clouds and a crisp comforting
breeze a dove flew down next to me, and then the bible pages
started turning on their own to the answers of my questions
it was beautiful the Holy Spirit was teaching me.

I remember when I was younger riding
passenger seat with my dad I saw a sign that read ," not all
who wander are lost" and in front of that sign was a woman
standing looking lost and confused I thought it was funny at
the time comic humor divine irony but that memory soon
faded. Well when I arrived to Marysville graffitied on the
wall was the sign that read "not all who wander are lost" I
loved God I saw how He had been weaving my life and that it
was coming to beautiful new beginning. Well there's a lot of
mircales that took place during this time God really hit it
out of the ball park for me. I will name a few as I am
growing tired.

That year in California fires were
going on everywhere it felt like judgement day. I could
smell the fires and see the glow at night many people were
loosing their homes it was very sad. Well one evening I saw
a fire behind an education building I knew something was
wrong so I went there and when I arrive there was a tent
burnt to the ground and a man holding a crying kneeling
woman at knife point. I knew he had burnt down her tent and
tried to kill her. Immediately I stepped in front of the
knife I said if you are going to stab anyone stab me. I
looked at the woman and told her gently to stand and leave.
She did, and the man just stood there startled that I had
come so quickly. On my was out in the burnt knook of a tree
the was something that survived just barely singed it was a
bible. I took that bible and walked out and as I met the
police the woman cried out ," that's the man that saved me"
humbly I said," Jesus Christ saves" it was a beautiful
experince in the strangest way the feeling is indescribable.
I am glad everyone survived and is ok.

Many things happened after this I met
angels I even was challenged by the devil himself in a
magical game of trickery and I stood the test only because
of God. But importantly I found faith again I guess I had
never truly lost it I was always on Gods side I was just
angry and lost. Soon a random man bought me a bus ticket
home!

When I arrived back to Texas that very night my children were being dropped off at my parents because my wife had lost her mind and her man had left her and she was putting herself in a mental hospital.

Long story short the kids are with their grandma and I'm living with my parents. I heard whispered in my ear by the Holy Spirit a few months ago that I had a liver problem that I will receive treatment on the reservation, i thought what the heck well I'm Choctaw and I'm the last in line to receive benefits but only in Oklahoma my parents moved to Oklahoma for me because we found out that I have hepatitis, it's curable but some damage has and is occurring .

Here is a picture of me with my children :)

https://imgur.com/a/sFxZpFP

I love them with all my heart. So that's my story so far my path to faith and I hope someone might benefit from this or even relate . I love you all your story's of pain are my story my cries with you and I believe it can get better . So now I patiently wait for what's next, I'm still lonely sometimes very depressed but I have God and my children and I wait for the woman who will love me and truly understand me. Thank you all for reading God bless.

https://youtu.be/-8mZpGj29qw

https://youtu.be/aZTAMYiAOdc