Do I Have Depression or Something Else?

Hello, I know this is a very basic question I know, but this is gonna be long. I hope somebody finds this thread and will be able to help me even just a little. I live somewhere in South-East Asia where mental health is not something we talk about often (I'm sure you know what I mean). I don't know where to start, haha. Basically, I just wanna know if the symptoms I've been having all these years mean something. I don't know if it's depression, but I don't know much about this so I'll start here because I am tired of feeling "not" normal almost my whole life. Nobody seems to be like me. I've tried counseling in my uni for the first time but I got a bad psychologist that it made me stop for a year. I did it again a few months ago this year but it went downhill because of the pandemic. The counseling turned online but the psychologist seemed to be focusing on me being stressed because of the pandemic so I left again because I feel like it's not gonna work. Probably she's just a uni counselor so she couldn't help much. I know you must've think that I should go to a therapist. I am a 21-year-old college student, unemployed, some monthly pocket money from my parents which I'd rather spend it on other useful things than to spend it on an expensive therapist which I should visit not only once but probably 5 or more sessions and it's gonna be so expensive. Also, kind of tired of changing counselors because they never get to the point of what kind of mental illness I actually have (if I do have one). I just wanna make sure what I've been feeling all this time so I could heal. I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm getting old and I feel so ashamed seeing people my age or even younger have better career than me. Since it's getting too long, I'll get straight to the symptoms.

1. I feel suicidal all the time, I never tried committing it because somehow I feel scared. I think I've been feeling this since 6/7th grade I think. But it's getting tremendously more frequent because these days I feel very worthless. I know my parents aren't saying anything but I feel so much pressure inside of me telling me that I need to get a job at this age and make my parents proud. I've never been overseas, I've never been to a lot of far places, I wanna go there with them before it's hard to walk for them. I cry every time I think of this. I feel like I'm a worthless kid.

2. I have very very low self-esteem and I am a negative thinker. I have been telling myself I'm ugly since 5/6th grade I think. These days, I hate my body so so much. I'm fat. I've been fat my whole life. I don't know why I cant change. Losing weight is so hard, I tried pilates, yoga, aerobic in high school a few times per week but it didn't even affect anything. I try eating healthy but I always end up failing. I look the same still. I hate being fat. Nobody has ever liked or confessed to me since forever up to this day. I've never been in a relationship. I'm so pathetic. I think I will never love myself until I'm skinny. I also hate myself for not improving in my drawing, I hate myself for my bad singing, I hate myself for my laziness. Sometimes I think I will never change and I always ask why was I born if I'm just gonna be a trash in this world.

3. Lack of motivation. I dont know if it's lazy or not. I think I'm just lazy, haha. As I told you, I have a lot of goals, to be skinny, to be succesful, but I just lack the motivation. Since college, I've been losing a lot more motivation to do anything, even the things I love like drawing or singing, it all seems like pain. Did I tell you? I applied a major I didn't like and that also may be the reason I'm feeling more motivationless. I wanted to change major but I had a fight with my parents just because I said I wanted to take a test again at some uni which has scholarship options to make sure it's not expensive. But they got angry so I decided to continue the major with a heavy heart. I felt sadder since then.

4. Socially awkward. Yes, it's so hard to talk to people but these days I'm a bit braver because I have to do things on my own now but it still always feels awkward. When I have my parents with me, I usually just ask them to ask the waiter or anyone for me. I also have trouble making friends, I can never seem to open up, I can never feel like myself. I dont have much friends and to be honest I dont even know if the friends I have right now are my real friends because I don't feel close despite the secrets I have told them. Im so scared I'll end up in a funeral with no friends. It's also making me too scared to find a job, I feel like I'm still a kid. I'm not ready. Also, I usually stutter or stop when talking because I either cant explain things with the right words or I usually just forget what I wanna say, mostly the first one. During presentations too.

4. Easily agitated. I don't know why but I get easily agitated for no reasons and I might cry too sometimes. Especially on weekends when both my parents are home (Dad works on weekdays and go home late), they always argue over the smallest things and that makes me so agitated that I started arguing too. I could even get agitated when I had small accidents like hitting my head or stepping on something painful. I could get agitated for not getting what I want, sometimes almost like a light tantrum. I hate my house, my parents argue a lot. They used to fight worse than this. My dad used to hit himself in the head when we had fights or sometimes hurt us (me, lil sis, mom), but not painful actually, it's more painful to see him hurt himself. These days, we all just try not to trigger dad anymore.

5. Self-hurting. Everytime I have a big fight with mostly my mom (i'm too afraid to argue with my dad.), I always cry and sometimes when I am alone I hurt myself by hitting my thighs or my head. I guess I got it from my dad lol. I just feel like a bad daughter that I feel like I deserve to be punished. Also, when I am eating, I would shove a big spoon of it to my mouth and shove it again while crying, I never choke though, I just... I don't know why I always do that haha. I think it's a part of hurting myself too somehow. I've always wanted to die but I am always afraid of death so I guess this is an alternative.

6. Envious. This isn't a symptom but I just wanna let it out. As I said, I have a low self-esteem so I often get envious of people. I once envied this girl back in junior high because all my crushes (not at the same time), at some point, like her. She really was kind, skinny, and pretty. She didn't do anything to me but I hurt her by indirectly subtweeting back then. My current crush then asked me to apologize to her. I felt guilty right after and cried. I apologized right away. She forgave me but I could never look at her since then because of the guilt. She's pretty famous today and I think she deserve this. I think this is karma for me. I somehow always have a dislike towards the people I envy, and honestly they're all just nice people. But I never hurt anyone anymore, I just distance myself from them. I don't wanna hurt them. I feel like a monster. I feel like I don't deserve to live. I always feel so envious of people, why can they do this but I can't? Why did they improve a lot but I didn't? But I don't do anything myself. I don't know what to do. I feel like I don't deserve to live. I'm scared. I'm so scared of making mistakes. I feel like I'm a bad person.

I think that's all I could think of. I feel like some of these... It's inherited from my dad. My dad has anger management issues because his dad was physically abusive to him plus my dad's mom died early so he had nobody to protect him besides his siblings. I always hate my dad for that. He's also easily agitated these days because of work, he's always agitated after coming home from work because of the stress. He never stops working, he always whines how his work is a lot but he never stops to relax. He always comes home late saying that he has a lot of work. But, work assignments will never stop and it's our choice to decide whether we wanna stop or not right? Just as long as you work when it's time to work. I hate that. He just brings negative aura to the house. Is it normal if I sometimes wish for my parents to divorce? I'm tired, this family is so screwed up. My paternal grandpa also didn't have many people coming to his funeral because he has not much friends. I'm so scared it'll happen to me. Home feels like depression to me. Home feels manipulative, it feels so comfortable outside yet so depressing inside.

These days, I'm just worried about getting a job when I graduate. I dont have any experiences, I've never applied for an internship because I'm scared. I just wanna be able to go on vacation far away with my parents and have a nice relationship for once. I wanna love me. But positive motivational words don't help at all, I will always think negatively. I've been ranting a lot with my close friends but I think they're sick of me that they just don't know what to do anymore. I understand because dealing with me can be stressful for your mental health. I know people hate people like me. So, please help me. All I'm asking is for someone to help me reassure if I have something or not, I just wanna make things clear and I wanna be healed so I can be happy. I've never been happy since I was a child, I never was. I just want at least my young adult days to be good. Maybe I'll consider applying for an online therapy again if this thread goes well. I found a cheap one. Sorry for the messy thread and grammar errors, english isn't my first language. It's harder to seek help in my country. Thank you so much for your help.

- HeavyRain (you can call me Rain)