Drowning in Depression
Hey,
I feel like I'm drowning in my mental illness. I was diagnosed with depression (and social anxiety) officially in 2016 after having dealt with it for years. It has gotten worse no matter what I do. There are days when I feel great, on top of the world, energetic and lively. And it always falls back into horrible depression. Lately, those great feelings soon turn into anxiety and agitation before the depression. It used to just be numbness between. Now I don't know what to do. I ruin relationships because of it. I randomly start hating the people I love. I put them on a pedestal - and then I start to feel abandoned (even though they tell me I'm not being abandoned). When this feeling starts, I lash out. They're off the pedestal and suddenly the subject of my anger, frustration, and hatred.
Eventually, people get sick of this over and over, which I understand. It's frustrating for me too. I feel so guilty for ruining relationships. This latest friendship that I ruined was probably one of the best I've ever had. When I get close to people, my jealousy and fear kick in. I hate being so jealous and fearful. I thought it was normal at first but a friend said a while back that this wasn't normal. That made me feel worse. At this point in my life, I feel like I don't deserve love. Like I deserve to be alone and maybe even deserve all the horrible things that happen to me. I want to make a change and get better for the sake of the remaining friends that haven't walked away, and for my parents. I'm toxic and too needy and I hate it. I can't even keep therapy appointments, doctors appointments, or plans with friends / family. The flakiness started because of my social anxiety. It's now paired with the feeling like I don't deserve their love and time.
What can I do? I feel so hopeless despite all attempts to be positive
@Lexloveslife I hear you, Lex <3
The need for someone along with the fear of abandonment, these two together make you behave erratically, as a result of which you lose good relations. I would think that before we can have good relations with others, we need to have a good relation with ourselves. We can work to get more comfortable and relaxed with ourselves. When we are able to feel that good relation with ourselves, we can then have stable and positive relations with others too. We become more capable of both giving and receiving love.
Hope this helps any little. Good wishes. :)
@Fristo
I agree 100% 👍
My best friend who passed away last month made it a point to reach out to those in friendship who needed a friend. It didnt matter to her how popular you were
@AbbyHarris1976
I'm sorry that you lost your friend :( I wish I knew what to say to ease any pain you may be feeling
@Lexloveslife You do have love inside you for the well being of others, which is so very good for good relations in life. :)
@Fristo
Hi Fristo. I'm trying hard to love myself but it feels nearly impossible. I don't think I'm meant to love myself. It doesn't feel natural and there isn't really anything to love. It's probably a good thing I am ruining my relationships. People don't need someone negative, dramatic, and unpredictable like me.
@Lexloveslife I can understand a little. It is at times so much easier to love others than to love oneself. Isolation maybe kills you to come to not like anything. Is it so, you think?
@Fristo
Maybe. I prefer isolation in times like this, even though it hurts pretty bad to feel this way. Ot hurts to believe that isolation is the only safe solution I have. Still, it is the only way I can ensure I don't hurt others. I find that people say they love you, but they don't really mean it nowadays. It gets thrown around casually so much. But when I love, I love. I love with all my heart. There is no in-between for me. To feel that unreciprocated by someone else makes me think I have high expectations and don't know how to love after all. It makes me hate - and I hate intensely too. I don't like to feel this way with people. Isolation seems to be my only choice to stop loving and hating people so intensely. I just have a hard time feeling positive about this. I'm an all-or-nothing person and no one should have to deal with me. Sorry for the paragraph response.
@Lexloveslife It is very okay. It is good you are describing and sharing about yourself. :)
