Emptiness

I simply don't know how to deal with my severe social anxiety. I'm constantly hiding from people, avoiding them. These days it's almost like I've developed a weird contempt for others because of my lack of social skills.

But they're the normal ones, not me.

This severe anxiety that I have, has gotten increasingly worse over the last five years. I have become distant. I isolate myself in my room for literally a majority of my average day.

Everyone's beginning to notice how I'm so standoffish and awkward so they just avoid me entirely (or at least that's how my brain interprets that). I wouldn't blame them. Sometimes my parents have phone calls with other family members and I overhear those family members asking if there's something wrong with me, as I'm always cooped up in my room.

I have no friends, except one. A best friend from middle school. We're still in-touch today, and I do have a meaningful relationship with him and we go out and do things, but thats about it. He has friends. He has a life. He's able to "click" with people. A fundamental skill that people just possess, for some reason has deteriorated for me for half a decade.

I feel like no one really perceives anything redeemable about myself. I don't really contribute anything.

I have two siblings everyone is either well-acquainted with or likes. But for me, its a different story.

Meeting new people genuinely has become one of my worst fears in life because I have to maintain a relationship with those people, they've yet to realize that I'm an uninteresting, socially awkward loner.

I'm of no value to anyone. I am just useless.

I sit in my room, everyday. Laughing at YouTube videos or playing video games, alone. I go to work, come home, and do the same things. Alone.

I've been alone so long that I just prefer being alone. Because I just suck. There's really no other way to put it.

The holidays are here, and I'm not looking forward to meeting with family and friends. I have almost zero desire to have fellowship with anyone anymore because I honestly just find myself to be defective.