Endless spiral of bad luck

Hello everyone, I hope you're all having a lovely day, and I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart, for reading this post and allowing me to steal some of your time, just so I can vent.

I've tried to find a listener for 2 days now, but without any luck.. Either they ghost me, or I never connect to one. So now I'm writing this instead. - sorry for the negativity, I deeply respect listeners and their time! I am just desperate to talk to SOMEONE -

So where to begin.. Well, I feel like my life have been completely thrown off balance. After 2 years of hard work and dedication, working in a shop where I wasn't appreciated, and my boss would explode for no reason, making the work place very toxic to be in, I finally managed to finish my sales degree.. Everything was great, I'm married to an amazing man, but sadly we live across the globe from each other, so the plan was always for me to finish my degree and move to him. Everything was great I thought, my husband even got work after 2 years of trying, and everything was looking great regarding applying for a visa down the line, things was looking bright and I was excited.

Now.. Here is where everything starts to go wrong. So I live in student living, which means I have to move out when I finish my education. Perfectly fine and understandable. When I finished my degree, I wasn't to worried about finding work, because everyone kept telling me, - including my school, - it's easy to find work! Companies want to hire sales assistents with degrees, and there is currently a lot of jobs to find! So I wasn't worried at all, I thought I would find work quickly and I would be able to save up for a deposit for an apartment with my pay. As I had gotten very little pay previously, and since I had to support my husband through his unemployment, there wasn't money left over to save up for a deposit.

Now we're 3 months down the line, and I am still unemployed after having applied for 50 different jobs. I even went out of my way to apply, moving very far from my old field of work, that's how desperate I was. I managed to find an amazing apartment, middle of the city, low rent, everything was perfect and I managed to find it, just as time was running out on my current apartment. So I quickly looked into my options, and saw I could apply for a government loan, I just had to sign the contract first, so I rushed and did so. I send my application and prayed, as it said on the government website, that technically they weren't allowed to decline the application... It got declined. I started panicking and reached out to my government agency, which told me to apply for another loan under another name, so I did. Instantly declined too. F.... I thought, I'm about to be homeless. So I contacted my bank, they refused to help me as I don't have work. I tried my mom, nothing, grandparents, nothing. F... F... F... Well the only option I had left, was to move in with my mother, which wasn't ideal as we got a rocky relationship, and I absolutely can not stand her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is super controlling, and she can't even be on the phone with me, without him constantly asking who's she's talking to, and safe to say.. Their relationship is also filled with drama, days of not talking and then suddenly talking etc. Drama I don't want, but I got no options.

So I wrote to the company I couldn't rent the apartment, and they wrote back that I had to pay 3 months rent, because I already signed the contract. I was devistated... My whole plan.. My whole plan that kept me floating, was that I would bite the sour apple, live with my mom and save up as much money as I could, so I could apply for my visa and move to my husband. That's been the goal, my dream, literally what I build my whole view of the future on. I just feel so shattered, like nothing good can come my way, and I feel so out of balance. I'm moving towards the 4th month of unemployment, and sure.. I'm still enjoying being home, I get to crochet all day and relax after 4 stressful years of schooling and work, but I feel so rejected. After 50 application, no one have even wanted me for an interview. My self worth have taken a nose dive, and I feel myself just getting more and more stressed and depressed.

I'm diving deeper and deeper into a situation I can't control, a financial situation that I signed up for in good faith, as I was told that was the only way I could apply for the loan, and now I may have to say bye to 3 months I could have used the 800 dollars to save up. A living situation where I am forced into a stressful environment, because the only other option would be the street. A situation where I keep facing rejection after rejection, not knowing what I can improve, as my resume is flawless and I've worked very hard on it, and same with my applications. I don't have much work experience, but that is to be expected after schooling, and even then I got enough experience to run a store, because I use to! However all the employers see is 2 years experience, and ignore me in the pile. Unknowing about how much I can do, how much knowledge I've been seeking and constantly trying to learn and improve. I'm even taking a leadership course now, just to keep building onto my knowledge, as knowledge is power.

Yet I feel the intrusive thoughts, the calling of the void I think some call it, where I catch my self thinking, is life really worth it? I feel like just going to sleep, and waking up when life is better. I just can't believe how low I've fallen, and how literally everything I try is turning against me.

I can't even be a proper wife to my husband, and show him the love and care he deserves, because all I can focus on is how s... Everything is, and now I lay awake, it's almost 4 in the morning and I can't fall asleep, because as soon as I close my eyes, my stomach twist and turns into knots. How am I ever going to get through this. How am I ever going to find a job. If I'm struggling so hard right now, how am I going to find a job when I move countries. Am I just the biggest failure. Why can't I do anything right. Why do I have to screw up every step I take. I don't know, I don't understand, I just.. Don't.. I feel so hopeless, so lost, so alone..