Estranged Father

I read a thread here about a person whose father was never in their life and that made me want to share what's going on in my life right now. I was 4 when my parents got divorced, my father was abusive towards my mother, would sexually assault other women so when my mother got the chance to escape the marriage she was happy for the riddance.

What followed was close to 10 years of court hearings and court mandated visits between me, my brother and my father. We were not fond of him and my mother had very negative feelings towards him which never let me and my brother connect with our father during the visits. Eventually he started his own family and forgot all about us. We didn't care much for it either, we were too attached to our mother and we could never forgive him for abusing our mother and then dragging her through courts, attacking her character.

Fast forward to now, I'm 25 years old, and my father reached out to my mother a few days ago, cursed her for poisoning his children's mind towards him and it somehow struck a chord with my mom. She convinced me to talk to him and reignite our relationship. She also told me that we're entitled to his financial support which we never got and that it would help us with our college debt and other major expenses if things were to get better.

Following my mother's advice I started dialogue with my father once more. But something feels really off. I've had panic attacks and sleepless nights ever since this has been going on, I feel my skin crawling everytime I talk to the man who I've hated and despised my entire life. To suddenly forget all that and to reconcile makes me feel like I'm betraying my own identity.

I have no conception of what it means to have a father, I don't know what this relationship is supposed to be like.

To be Frank, I only accepted my mother's suggestion to reconnect with my father is because I wouldn't mind having some financial support right now, things haven't been easy for the past few years. I struggle to pay my bills and I've never had the sort of fatherly support that could help me flourish in life. Given my father's wealth, if he had been in my life early on, I wouldn't be in so much debt right now and wouldn't have settled for a cheap degree with no prospects.

But knowing the kind of person my father is, its always a give and take with him. He isn't going to give me a dime if I don't make an effort at reconciling things with him. Should a fathers care be so conditional?

Part of me thinks its not worth it to put myself through this conflicted state of mind just for some financial support. Another part of me thinks that this is just fear of being disappointed once more by that man.

I don't know what to do.