Everyone knows I'm depressed and suicidal.

And it's embarrassing.

I had a bad day yesterday, a typical emotional break down, though I'd taken my anti-depressants a little later than normal which didn't help. I was pouring my heart out to an old ex boyfriend who now supports me (which I never thought would happen). He told me he'd contact my mum but I didn't think he would and I promised I wouldn't do anything but he got worried.

My mum came in in the morning and interrogated me and then started crying. It ruined her day to know I was still very depressed and had thoughts of suicide. Everyone cried pretty much. This is why I don't tell anyone anything, I know it hurts, my mum especially.

I had work not long after this and my mum thought I shouldn't go in and contacted a co-worker (we work in the same company). She could've just said that I wasn't going to come in because I wasn't well but I heard her say I was "having an episode" so now it's going to circulate to everyone that I'm having a difficult time again. I had two weeks off before when trying out medication and that was hell. Everyone just gives you these sorry looks which makes me feel more a pathetic.

My mum then got me an emergency doctors appointment. I refused counseling, it doesn't help me but now my dose has been increased. I was considering increasing it but I also want to come off them and not rely on medication to function. I just want to be normal. :( I thought I was getting better.

My mum has said before that I used depression as an excuse to be lazy (even though I do work and pay for everything) and she said things you don't say to a depressed/suicidal person, so she's not fully understanding it.

Now, there's just awkward tension and I don't like upsetting my mum. She doesn't know I've self harmed either or that one of my ex's raped me. I think that would just kill her so this is why I deal with it alone.

Many people know about my state of mind now and so I'm more closed off than ever. It makes me think if I should be working when I'm feeling this low, driving around, giving people medication and looking after the vulnerable but I worked this evening and it was okay, though it's exhausting putting on a fake smile and pretending all is fine.

My dad's socially retarded too so he came up and also tried talking to me but just ended up rubbing my head like I was a dog and I told him to leave constantly. He didn't even say hi to me when I got home from work. God I hate him.

I'm also pissed off at my ex for telling my mum and ruining everything.

P.S. In those 24 hours, twice, I was accused of faking it for attention.