Everything feels very heavy right now

Oooof, this time of year is always hard. I live in a cold and dark place and the days are so short and it’s usually very socked in. The holidays were hectic and brought up a Lot of grief and anxiety and I’ve been having ruminating thoughts that I can’t kick, they are just ever present, it’s exhausting. I have routines that usually help me get through these low periods, but I’m feeling too exhausted to even make healthy choices right now. I lost my mom unexpectedly in 2020 and she was such a consistent presence in my life… the holidays always bring up so much grief and I really wish I could talk to her and give her a big hug. A mom hug would be so nice right now.

I’ve been prescribed SSRIs a few times but I’m really resistant to try them because of the side effects and I don’t want to end up dependant on them… my depression is usually the roughest in December and January, so I try to just tough through it.

one of the worst and most isolating things is the guilt that comes along with feeling down… it’s like when you are around people you try to put on a face and it’s exhausting.

the ruminations are focused on my relationship which is in a rough patch right now. My boyfriend is 9 years younger and we chatted about how we are in different life stages and he is not ready at this point to start a family and he is feeling pressure and doubts, but works away and had a hectic winter schedule so he told me we should revisit the discussion in a quieter season. I am 36, not 100% if I want children, but being with my current partner makes me think about it a lot because he is so lovely. I’ve been hurt a lot in a few past relationships and when things aren’t going well I tend to catastrophize and get insecure. I’ve been really emotional and a bit irritable towards him on the past month. He is away at work now for longs stints, I’ll barely see him for the next few months and the loneliness and uncertainty is really hard with my current state. Being a woman around this age that is unsure about children is proving to be challenging! So many big questions. Gahhh!

Everything just feels so serious and heavy right now. It’s exhausting. Hard to remember that I don’t always feel this way, I experience so much joy and passion.

if you read this all I appreciate it so much, I feel really isolated right now and also a bit lost… hoping for lighter times and some clarity. Lots of love to you all ❤️🙏🖤