Feeling very empty tonight... it's unnerving (slight trigger warning).

I can't help but reflect on all of those years I've wasted because of my depression. This would be a good reason to fight back, wouldn't it? Sadly it only makes me hurt more. I have spent so many years housebound as a teenager. I was so unwell back then, I couldn't even go into a room if the curtains were open. I spent every day in bed. Hiding under the duvets where it's safe and nobody can see me. Like a castle made of soft, comfy pillows and sheets. I only went out to get a snack and use the bathroom, but yes, honestly I spent all my days in bed.

People would bully me viciously at school. (Maybe vicious is the wrong word, but they were so nasty to me). I've had my bag taken from me, tossed between the year 6 boys and I got spat on while walking across the hallway beneath the stairs I was once thrown down for the sake of it. I have been pushed. Been laughed at. Been told to my face that "nobody likes you. We only tolerate you". Had someone tell me to go and dig a hole and go die in it. I was mocked for the smallest things from the way I walked, the way I spoke, the way I ate, the way my eyes looked far too big for my head (funny how people like having large eyes now). I was made out to be a freak. Just because my anxiety caused me to become mute in school, unable to talk no matter how much I tried to get the words out I just COULDN'T.

People assumed I was thick. That I was scared. And very ugly. Because of the laughing and the mockery back then, I can't help but curl up inside myself when I hear others laughing around me. I'm completely made aware of everyone and everything that goes around me. When people can get through their day and not focus on others, there's me unable to tune out. "Is this person laughing at me? Those people are looking at me. Those people are also looking at me. If I walk past them they're guarenteed to notice me". And you may call these paranoid thoughts. Yes, you can.

But when these things happen so many times, how easy is it to let go and stop seeing things this way? It happens. People do look at me in town. People do laugh. Want to know how I know this? Because I've turned my head and looked them dead in the eyes as they snorted and giggled. While they whispered something to their friend/s and smiled teasingly. I've even confronted someone before, and they laughed harder. So please, don't tell me this isn't happening.

This is starting to sound more like anxiety than depression, sorry. About my depression, and wasting so many years of my life, I'm so afraid of wasting even more years of my life. I have been like this for a long time. I keep telling myself I'll get better and not succeed. Year after year I'll tell myself "right, this year is the time to shine! To truthfully live my life! To do all the things I want to do!" but because of what depression does to me, I somehow feel scared and coil back into my self-destructive ways. I get tired easily. I lose interest. It's like my life is that one film nobody wants to see. It gets overlooked. Left to rot. And then I'm sat here desperately wishing I could watch someone else's film instead of my own. (This is a pathetic way of describing this... why won't my brain work dammit!).

When I try to do something, to enjoy something, all the energy just gets sucked out of my system. I shut down and mentally I'm asleep and hiding under the covers I've become so accustomed to. I feel like my mind has somehow been damaged due to the neglect I caused myself those few years ago. Staying in bed for so long and looking into space became an addiction. Sleeping everything off became an addiction. I'm scared my brain has literally been re-wired and I have no willpower to help myself out. I feel like I've missed out on so many important events. Especially with my internet addiction as a culprit. I don't even do anything progressive on here. I just scroll through sites like Reddit aimlessly. No communicating with the family. No going outside. No leaving my room.

I used the computer as an escape as a child, because everyone else bullied me and I felt so low about myself. Online distracted me. I remember kids locally kept making jokes about this. Like when I told them about this cool trip I went on and they responded "oh, did you do that on the computer?" or about my birthday being great and they'd laugh and say "you mean your imaginary birthday on the computer?" It was embarrassing and I'm still embarrassed about it right now, because I haven't changed.

I don't know where I'm going with this post anymore. I just feel like I'm going to waste next year, and the years after that. I'm going to be 20 in Feb. And I'm going to waste it, because somehow doing anything exciting is torture to my brain and I just want to sleep.

I feel like mentally I am behind in years, because I never properly lead a life. I don't know how to break out of this cycle. And it pains me. I've been like this since the age of 8. God knows how brilliant my life was before this illness consumed me.