First post messy situation

Where to begin… ok so 6 years ago I met a guy online and well at first it seemed great then it spiraled down quickly. He had a pattern of flirting with me saying how much he wanted to me with me and then disappear. I was in love with him by year 2. Ok so let’s fast forward what happened a bit. Not a lot except for being manipulated and gaslit. He wanted me to have his babies but have other women as well. This was a nightmare to me. More than one night where I would fall asleep crying and self harm. Last year I finally said no more. He cut communication again and I had hoped he would not come back. Until the other day when he tried to come back. I finally blocked him with out letting him even speak to me. Even after doing that I still feel, I can’t think of a better word for it then depressed. It is like all those horrible things came rushing back to me and the thought of self harming and how I don’t want to go back to it. I finally got to a place where I felt where I might want to have kids one day and now all I want to do is throw my womb in the trash…