Friends that come and go.. a nonsense rant about relationships, Facebook and life.. comment if you want.

I've been finding myself reflecting so much on most of the friends I used to be close. Those who ended up drifting apart and there's me sitting here wondering why. There has always got to be something which stopped what we once had. I question it. It perplexes me, because when you look back in time and you see things going so well, you have so much fun together and life is sweetness and the like.

So many friends that have just walked away, and I sometimes wish I could knock on their door one unexpected afternoon and ask how they're doing, check up on them, et cetera. I bumped into an old friend of mine last week, we were walking down the same path and she didn't seem to acknowledge me all that much although I gave her a friendly wave. I remember an old friend of mine, actually an ex-friend since this year she only tried once to get to know me and then forgot about me altogether, just like she had done those many years ago. She asked me to come over and help with her bedroom, spice it up a little with some wall grafitti, yet afterwards she completely erased my drawings and stuck with her own. So it's like I made the effort to help out for nothing.

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There's a friend from school that I have known for at least 4 years and this year we've recently begun hanging out as we attend the same college. Early Summer, we even ended up "dating" for a short time (well, it weren't exaclty a relationship... only a title) which turned out horribly. The Honeymoon Period never existed. He kept on neglecting my feelings despite me putting my effort into him. I gave 97% and he only gave me the remainder. Once when I needed his support he actually worked up the courage to tell me "if you have issues, speak to your parents, not me. That's what they're there for"...

This isn't what this space is for, though. It just feels like lately, now that we're "best friends" he still never takes time out of his day to speak with me.. in fact, it feels like we are currently in the process of drifting apart, especially since I'm now reflecting on the way he treated me while in that relationship, it's hard to tell if I can actually rely on him to be a good friend..

He strung me along the relationship. He even ghosted me for a week. He kept assumptions over how I felt and consistently told me to stop "overeacting" when I was trying to figure out where I stood in the relationship after a week and a half of feeling left out, ignored, etc. I tried my hardest to give him what he might have liked, I didn't smother him with texts when he never responded, I even concealed my own feelings to make him comfortable, etc.

You know, it's hard to see somebody in the same light when you have so many questions. Even in this day, I feel like he still doesn't care enough not to make assumptions over the way I act. I remember trying to hold a conversation with him on Monday, yet he never came around. This morning I tried lightheartedly joking around and teasing him about his late replies, to that he seemed clueless about what I meant. In fact, I could smell the tension, reminding me of the way he treated me during our relationship.

Do not read into this as me being unable to let go. I personally hold no romantic feelings for him, and if he gave me a second chance I don't feel as if I would be able to do it again. I can't be with somebody of his type. He knows we're not compatible. It's just the way he had to treat me throughout it that pains me.

I don't tell him this though as I care too much about him to make a fuss, plus I wouldn't want to lose any chance of keeping him as a friend, I just personally feel over time he will no longer think of me as his best friend nor will I. He seems to be making other friends nowadays. I'm happy for him, yet dishearted in the fact that all the good times we spent together would be gone so soon.

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I haven't had the energy to keep in touch with my friends lately. In fact, I've made the conscious decision to stay away from Facebook for the time being as it only causes me further upset which I don't need. Right now I'm focusing on my studies to get where I'm supposed to be in life, my life, my ideal version of life --- I'm studying Art in order to get onto Level 3 Health & Social (I'd like to try art therapy in the future, so art seemed ideal, plus they didn't have Level 1 Health & Social down at the college).

I may lose friends, but then again, it's only a natural part of life so I should learn to suck it up and get used to it.. right? I'm going to be 20 in the next year and a half. I'll find some other friends to lose in the future.

Facebook is a destructive site. It can wipe away your self-confidence. Most of the time, nobody makes an effort to want to speak to you. You make status updates and the terrible feeling you get when nobody who you care about takes the time to comment on it. Yes, these do not amount to real life in any way, yet the awful feelings of inadequacy it causes you are too real.

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Sorry if this is the wrong category, please feel free to move it if necessary. I just needed to drop off my feelings before they end up crushing me altogether. My being is fragile, and lately I've been getting down about plenty of things, angry outbursts during college, extreme anxiety, the need to hide away and get away with urgency..