Having a pretty rough go of it.

Seems Like you have quite a bit on your plate. As far as trying to figure out what your next step might be. I can moderately relate to your situation. Life seems so meaningless at time. Hard to deal with, yet we must not give up. Even when it seems all hope is lost we will have our down times/days and it's ok. We can't possibly be expected to keep it together a 100% of the time. That's completely ridiculous.! When you have your 'down times' find a hobby or something of interest that can help you distract your mind. Push yourself that extra mile if you have to.easier said then done, but we can't be expected to love like this forever. We must really want it, like really want it to achieve it. Even be willing to do the impossible, in our case achieve normality, happiness if you will. I'm not taking any type of medication, so can't really recommend anything. I'm really trying to fight this anxiety/depression on my own. Some days it feels hopless, an emptiness inside that one could not even begin to explain. Numb from the pain. Most of the time can't control myself from thinking alike, maybe leaving this world would be better. Yet, I know I'm fooling myself in saying so. Wr couldn't possibly be Selfish enough to end our life. Not when we'd be leaving so much sorrow and pain behind. Stay positive, even when you may feel like the whole world is coming down on you. Help others during their hard times I have come to realize helping others, listening to others helps me in a way cope with my own pain. I pray things will brighten up for you and hopefully one day we will be able to see light through all this darkness.

I can relate. I've been dealing with persistent depressive disorder since childhood and have been struggling with finding the right meds for the last year. I have a lot of days where I wonder why I bother - with the medication, with changing, with getting out of bed, whatever. A lot of times it feels like at least with the untreated depression I was agitated enough to have to do something. With the medication, I just can't work myself up enough to do anything.

I find myself missing a lot of aspects of untreated depression, which I suppose is part of being sick and part of being conditioned and familiar with it. I know that and I try to remind myself of that often. If I keep thinking of it like the bad, abusive relationship it is, then it's a little easier to remember why I finally broke and decided I needed help. And like any bad relationship, there's usually a lot of messed up rebounds and baggage to deal with that "finding the one" isn't going to fix, so I have to make an extra effort to work in that mindset and not fixate on one thing being the key to everything else.

I practice yoga, I try to be kind to myself and offer myself compassion rather than letting myself dwell on things and fixate. I run {when the meds cooperate} without set goals, just to feel good/awake/alive. I watch lizards or birds or the wind outside my window. I make food that takes all day to cook and smells amazing. I rearrange furniture. I try to physically do things before I think too much about them and convince myself its pointless. It helps to keep me a little more evenhanded with my assessments of what's going on in my head so I don't let things just sit there and fester.

It's way easier said than done, of course. I have to constantly remind myself that the less I want to do something, the more I need to. It always ends up being worth it, despite what my whining tells me, and then I am a little more prepared to deal with the task of fighting for my life back.