Helpless, Hopeless

I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I know you're tired, so tired. But please don't give up yet, OK? I have been exactly where you are right now. Fed up and tired of life. In pain and ready to die. I know the monotonous tedium of days spent without a purpose. And it got better. I am positive you've heard that before, everyone says "it gets better, it gets better" but all you can ask is how? Because you can't imagine how you could be happy again. I understand that too. But trust me, it does. The key is to find a purpose, which can be as hard as finding a needle in a hay stack, or as easy as having faith (which ain't no picnic either). Finding purpose and happiness actually start with trust. I don't know if you are familiar with the Bible, but it talks about God lifting us out of the mud, out of our pain. He rescues us. And do you know what He does after that? He gives us a purpose, a reason to be happy. Please know that there is a reason to live out there, and that you will find it, if you give it time. I do not know what that purpose would be for you, but I certainly want to help you find out. Maybe it doesn't matter to you what God has said, and that's OK. But at least know that I care and that I want to help in any way I can. I'd love to talk, about God or just how you are feeling. I won't push any God talk on you, I swear :) Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord ; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord ."

I have a almost-running Listener account called RiAbiding if you want to talk

I am very sorry to hear that you feel so down. I am new here and this is my first post. I came because I have been depressed for a long time and am hoping by talking to some other people it may help me. I have been on both sides of depression now. About 9 years ago my childhood sweetheart was very depressed and I didn't know how to deal with it. I had never had depression before and kept hoping he would just "snap out of it". I was working as a female in the construction trade and it was very draining. His depression began taking a very hard toll on me. He made several attempts to end his life during the four years we were together. I couldn't get him any help. It got to be so bad I would have to put sleeping meds in his drinks so that I could leave the house and not have to worry about him killing himself while I was gone. I ran myself into the ground trying to keep him alive. I loved him more than anything. Everyone I went to told me to leave him. That he was just holding me emotionally hostage, and that if I left and he killed himself that it wouldn't be my fault. People failed to see that it doesn't matter who's fault it is. He finally hung himself in our home, with a dog leash in the closet. And I have been dealing with the pain ever since. Fault doesn't have anything to do with any of it. It doesn't bring him back. Now I am the one with no one to talk to, no one else who understands. The one with the pain, the depression, anxiety, panic attacks. Following his death I lost everything. I lost out house, my job, my car, and my sanity. I ended up homeless, doing whatever drugs I could to numb everything. I was so far gone I isolated myself from my friends and family. I ended up getting drugged, raped, and lost my grip on reality. I still struggle with depression from all of this every day now. I don't know if you can talk to your friend again. She may have cut you off to protect herself. Some people can't deal with depression all the time with what they have going on, and she may not know how to relate with you on it. She probably cares a lot but isn't sure how to help, or even if she can. For some people depression is so foreign. If you want to talk about thinking about suicide, I can tell you what I went through. I hope you can find some courage and hope. There are people who do care. You just may not know them yet.

What happened to push your friend away? Is it things in her life, something you said, is it your depression? I know some people don't know how to act or how to help and it can make them uncomfortable. After my partner died I noticed a lot of people didn't know what to say to me and I started feeling weird about it because they felt weird about it. It reminded me a lot of the movie "The Beach" where the injured man was sort of outcast because he was suffering and no one felt comfortable dealing with him. For some reason society has a way of making people feel like they have to be strong all the time and if you are hurt and need or want help that you are just seeking attention. I know that I myself don't want to end things yet, I still hope one day to get married and have kids, but the depression I am hiding from everyone else is killing me inside. Do you like art? I found this girl who did this piece that speaks to the core of me right now and maybe you relate.

https://www.deviantart.com/art/I-m-fine-265440578

Is this friend someone you hoped to have a relationship with? Are you sure things can't be salvaged in some way?

@JLRR, how are you feeling today?

Hello. Im new to this site and i started using it because i need to disclose my thoughts to someone. I have no one in my life to talk to about my personal struggle. This may be because i have a lot of trouble connecting with others on a personal, deep level. I dont think i ever have really felt comfortable or honest interacting with other perple. The anonimity of this site helps. Ive been depressed for about 4 years. My experience with depression has changed my personality drastically and stopped me from enjoying things that i once had. Im never happy. I find it very hard to get excited or hopeful and the world has become somewhat boreing to me. I lack meaning. Nothing in the world really has a purpose in my mind anymore. I get very sad sometimes when i experience dark distressing thoughts, but mostly i feel empty and numb and so very bored. I dont see a light at the end of this tunnel.

I want to be your friend. I get what ur going through. Sorry for putting that long thing on your thread...

Very sorry to post my paragraph on ur thread. Accident. I support u nonetheless

Please find support on here or elsewhere. I'm so sorry, I've gone through everything you have. I'm not capable of one on one support, but there are good people on here who can help