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So once again Ive lost my way. I thought I was doing good but I cant find what Im missing. Or what Im doing wrong. I feel like my life is shit all the time. I feel like Im doing something in school I dont love to do. I feel like Im wasting time doing this but Im always so uncertain about everything. Its hard to keep my home life separate from my relationship life but I cant help it. My gf talks about her problems a lot most are things she could easily solve on her own. I somewhat envy how easy her life is. I dont know though. Sometimes I feel like I love her and then sometimes I dont. Sometimes I wish I could have sex with other girls and then come back to her in the end because I think she loves me. But I gotta keep my wall up because if I let her end like last time. I dont know if my mind would be able to take it. I often fantasize about this perfect world where my parents are together, me, my brother and sister and grandma dont have to worry about anything I can tell my mom I want to do something and she supports me. I can go to this audio school and do great things. Then there are times when I see myself in my later life married to My gf and one day I come home and shes there with our kids playing. I dont know whats wrong with me I want things but it always seems like something bads going to happen. Ive stopped being able to enjoy good things and just anticipate the bad. It hurts my mind a lot and its hard for me hold then. I feel like Im going insane. I think Im losing myself and becoming a shell and I dont know when and why it happened . I think Im losing my way. I believe its related to my lack of prayer. Or maybe Im just overthinking life and Im just impatient. I dont know. I could just really use a direction.

I love you so much

I dont know who Im saying it to anymore.

Maybe I say it just to say it now. And maybe it has no meaning for me.

I dont know if Ill send this to anyone. Theyll probably think Im crazy, or take it the wrong way or i dont know

But its who I am, and I dont even know who that is. I try to do the right thing whenever I can and I just go through life praying and hoping thats enough

If you get this or if its the last thing I type or feel.... I need help

Love, Me