I am so tired of crying

I have cried every day for a week now. I've cried while in the shower. I've cried putting lotion on. I've cried walking the dog. I cried in the car outside the grocery store because I couldn't bare to go in there and spend more money that I don't have.

I am so goddamn tired of crying. I'm either completely empty and void of any emotion, I'm rage level mad and am throwing or breaking things, or I'm crying.

It's like there really isn't any point to anything. There's no point to crying, it just gets in the way. There's no point to anything. I am so tired of everything. I'm tired of drowning in debt, I'm tired of making plans and goals like everyone tells me too when I tell them I'm broke and depression and guess what? That doesn't work out for me. Making goals are for people who the ability to achieve those goals and putting money aside is for people who have disposable income. I have no idea what disposable income is. $20,000 of credit card debt and what do I have to show for it? Fucking zilch. My checking account had been at $5 for three months now. Every cent I make goes into paying off debt that doesn't get paid off. It just grows until they take my house. I can live out of my car and live off a loaf of bread for a week, that's fine, but my husband doesn't deserve this. None of this was his fault. It's my fault, it's always been my fault and it will always be my fault. I dug my grave and I need to lay in it.

Theres a super fun saying between my friends and family: Goddamnit Jana.

Because I always mess up. I ruin everything. Who was late? Goddamnit Jana. Who made this mess? Goddamnit Jana. Who forgot this? Goddamnit Jana. Who broke this? Goddamnit Jana. Ew who picked this restaurant? Goddamnit Jana. Why are you always crying? Goddamnit Jana.

Set goals for yourself- why. Just, why? That's everyone's first piece of advice for depression or financial messes. What's the point? I've been trying that since I was 7 and got flung into therapy. It doesn't work. Do you know why? Because Goddamnit Jana. I will find some way to not achieve that goal, and actually back track it because that is what I do best: make everything worse.

I tried three times to set up a vacation, to take actual time off from one of my many jobs to go to a destination that is not just another room in my house, to talk to people who don't know what a monster I am, to eat new exciting foods and do fun and exciting to things. I even saved money. I put money away for a year at a time each time, and you know what happens? Life. Life happens. My mom gets sick and I need to take her to the hospital and pay her rent and utilities with that money, my car stops running and needs that money dumped into it, or all my friends flake out on me at the last minute so i figure eh maybe it's not meant to be and use that money for bills or to buy a new outfit that I just go back to return the next day because I don't deserve it.