I can't do it anymore
Hi everyone. I don't really know where to start here. I'm clinically depressed and suffer from social anxiety. I have been seeing a psychologist for almost two months now, and overall it helped quite a bit. The thing is, it only helps for a certain amount of time. When I leave my psychologists office I usually feel pretty decent and somewhat hopeful. Then I get home and I slowly feel that hope getting away. I cling to it desperately but it always leaves me to make room for my depression.
Yesterday I actually had a pretty nice afternoon. I wasn't as down as I usually am and I kinda enjoyed my time. But sure enough, hours passed and eventually all that had gone away too. I was left feeling even worse than the day before. This always happens, every couple days I get maybe 2-4 good hours and when they're over my depression is worse than before. Because of all this I have been thinking more and more about suicide lately. Those thoughts used to scare me. I used to drive them out of my mind really quickly, distracting myself with other things. Now I don't, I can't. They stick with me, you know? I get to thinking, maybe suicide isn't such a bad idea? Maybe I'm not supposed to grow old and be happy, maybe this is my destiny.
Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I can't with anyone offline and my next therapy session isn't until next week I'm sorry if I made some grammar mistakes and such, English isn't my native language.
Give it time. Please trust me on this. I was in your exact place one year ago. Today I am a different person. I know one year seems like a long time but it goes by quick, truly. It will be worth it, I promise. You deserve to be here and you deserve to be happy so do ot give up and just keep working towards getting better! I want you to stay.
Thank you for your reply and kind words.
It's just so tiring, you know? My whole life has become a vicious cycle of pain and sadness and I don't know how much more I can take. Honestly the only thing that's kept me from ending it all is my mother. No parent should have to see the corpse of their child, I don't want to put her through that.
@Cheeney I understand. So don't do it, do not let your mother see your corpse. You both deserve more than that. Do what you need to get better, don't cut yourself short of the chance of being a strong individual. I can guarentee you that if you put in the time and effort to get better and recover from this illness you will feel better than ever. You will have that feeling of satisfaction that you overcame something that defeats so many people. I believe in you and I know so many others that would too. You have it in you to get better.
I'm really doing everything I can. And somedays, some moments, I feel hopeful. I feel like I'm getting somewhere. But that hope always goes away after a few hours, sometimes even after minutes. And then my depression punishes me for feeling better by making me feel worse than ever. The voices saying "you deserve this" and "you're never going to be happy" get louder. Every time I try to build myself up I get kicked down again. Now when I have one of those moments of hopefulness I feel scared at the same time. Because I know it won't last. I know I'll be punished for feeling anything other than sadness.
When you feel hopeful take as much energy from that as you can and really feel it. So that when the bad part comes you won't feel as weakened by the bad thoughts. Accept that both will come and rotate in cycles. So let go of the fear and face them as they come. Easier said than done but it is effective. When the bad thoughts come, challenge them. It may feel like you have no control but you actually do. So when the thought comes "you don't deserve happiness" replace it with "no that's wrong I do deserve happiness". See yourself as another person for a moment. If there was another person with the same struggles, intentions, hopes and thoughts as you, would you be so hard on them as you are on yourself? This hellish thing can't be overcome overnight it's a series of moments and small battles overcome that lead to ultimately recovering.
@Lemontime20 I will try that, thank you. Usually when I try to think positively I just feel weird, like it's not who I am. But I will try as hard as I can to change my thinking patterns, it's not like I have anything to lose at this point.
Sometimes, your head is just heavy. You worry and think so much that it becomes hard to hold it up. Everything gets hard. It hurts to smile. And you feel all alone.
That's how I feel right now. My depression has actually just started, but I have been depressed twice throughout my life before this. And I always break out of it. Depression doesn't have to cling to you. If you try hard enough (and I know that's hard) its grip can leave you.
I haven't got to that point yet, but I will. And I know all of you will, too.
@fairmindedEnt It's amazing that you broke out of it twice. I don't know if I will ever break out of it but I'm going to do my best. Thank you.
Your post really spoke to me @Cheeney. I feel exactly the same way. I always know that the good moments I have are only temporary and the depression will hit me again very soon. Like you I have very short moments of good every few days and then I'm back to my normal depressed self and I feel awful.
I have also been getting the same thoughts as you more often lately (I don't want to say the word. I can't). I don't know why, life just seems hard and not worth it sometimes but I manage to pull myself out of that.
I don't know when I will stop being depressed. I don't know when i'll feel happiness. I don't know when i'll feel like I'm in a good place. But I have fought this all my life and I have come too far to stop going now. You can make it too. We can do this.
All my love - DA
@discreetAcres6234 I'm sorry you feel the same way as me. It's really brave that you have fought all your life and still continue to fight. I hope one day we'll both be happy
@Cheeney I hope we can both feel happy too. We don't deserve to feel worthless and unloved, we deserve to feel happiness
Just wanted to give a quick update, I have talked a lot with my family and I think I might go to a mental health clinic (I don't know the exact English word for it). This week I'll talk it over with my psychologist to see what he thinks.
@Cheeney That is such a huge step to make. I am so very proud of you and wishing you lots of luck with everything. I hope it makes a difference :) <3
@discreetAcres6234 Thank you so much! I don't really know what to expect, but my sister went to a mental health clinic too many years ago and it helped her a lot. Hope it does the same for me ^^
@Cheeney it's really great that everyone is being so supportive :) I'm happy for you. I hope you find the right people to help you through your struggles
@discreetAcres6234 Yeah, I was kinda surprised at how supportive my family is right now too ^^ Thanks again for your kind words :)
