I don't even know anymore

I'm so tired of everything. Tired of being alone and sitting in my room all day, tired of going out because it just means being alone again. I feel so lost. Lost in myself. I don't even know what's going on but all those feelings inside of me are tiring.

I just turned 17 in July, but I do not feel my age. I do not feel like any age. Maybe it doesn't even make sense but yeah.. I feel like I lost my voice, just simply everything. All I remember is I never really felt lucky, happy or just glad. Maybe for a few moments but then bam everything's gone.

I'm 17 now, no friends, never had a boyfriend( I don't even know what's wrong with me but there obviously is something and I just take the blame. I hate it, me) never went out on weekends simply because there is none. People been saying, even my mom I'm weird for my age.

I'm struggling with myself - the way I look - since I'm 13 I guess. But I also remember being 9 and feeling a bit proud on how I lost 3kg in a few time. I never had a reason for loosing weight and I do not think I am fat. I just hate myself somehow.., that's why

I'm struggling with my thoughts on how I think time is just a waste and I'm not worth it and then I have like a day where I feel good but then again I just hate myself even more.

Does it all even make sense anymore