I dont know anymore
I dont know where else to talk about this but I feel like this is connected to depression at least. I feel detached from reality. Like I dont actually occupy this space. The only time I do feel like i'm here is when I feel pain. I used to cut because of this. I also used to be extremely depressed before I started feeling this way. I dont have any friends. Its hard to have them when you feel like the way you portray yourself is a lie. I act happy, like I've got my life together and like I'm working on my problems. But my problems are getting worse. I almost feel like I was never happy to begin with even though I know there was a time I was. I cant talk to people properly, Social anxiety and anxiety in general, depression, insomnia... I just cant confide in anyone. Whose going to believe me when I tell them I have all these mental issues? My own ex best friend told me that there was no way I tried so hard to end my life and didnt succeed. He acted like i was lying just because I failed to. My parents think I've worked through all of these except the anxiety and insomnia. I'm still depressed, half the time I feel like a robot, or if neither of those I'm having anxiety attacks over a future event I'm stressing over. Things keep happening to me out of the blue. If these things never happened I might still have that one friend. But now I'm alone, depressed, emotionless/detached, when I do sleep I have lucid dreams. I have a hard time keeping track of whats a dream and real. I'm just tired of everything. I try not to think of suicide anymore but Im starting to wonder why I bother. And I cant see a therapist. I dont have the money for it.
Thanks to anyone who took the time to read though...
I'm really sad to hear you're feeling like this so often and are unable to explain your emotions to others, It sounds really stressful to be dealing with on your own. My first point of interest would have been to recommend you speak to a therapist but if you can't afford it you may need to look into different forms of help that on offer to you. Have you connected to a listener to receive some support about these issues? If you haven't I would be happy to connect with and support you in the future.
Sending hugs your way 
@constantstateofdreaming06
It is stressful, sometimes I dont know where to begin when I feel overwhelmed. I really should see a therapist, alot of times my mental state really worries me. I guess my biggest fear is that if I continue to feel detached from reality I might completely lose my emotions or lose track of whats real. So someday if I'm able to afford it. I did talk to a listener awhile ago at one of my breaking points. I didnt have time the other day to talk to a listener so I decided to vent a little on the forum before work. Thank you for your support its nice knowing that there's still people who want to help others out there.
I understand how you feel. I too have been pretty bad lately, and feeling all alone only makes it worse because it only makes me hate myself more and want to not be around.
Truthfully, if anyone in your life makes you feel like you're just attention seeking and don't believe you, they're not worth keeping around. I don't know you but I believe you. I believe that you are struggling and are deeply distressed. It's hard to go through life having to pretend for others. So maybe pretending is something you need to stop doing. It seems like people aren't paying attention to your struggles when they should be, that must be horrible. For a lot of people it's easier to pretend that loved ones are doing okay because the reality is harder to accept and deal with. Many don't know how to handle people in distress. Finding people who understand is easier than it may seem though. There are so many people out there who can relate and help you through the dark times.
I find that one of the hardest things is waiting for things to get better. Life is full of moments where things take time and you have to wait for the end result. But I'm holding onto the hope that the waiting will lead to greater things and better times. So try not to close yourself off, put yourself out there, find people with common interests, talk to people in your life, do something enjoyable or calming. There are so many little things you can do daily to make living worth while.
The road to happiness isn't one huge leap, it's the small things you do that help lead you to it. You will get there. You have a reason to be here on this earth, hold onto that
Lots of love - DA
@discreetAcres6234
Thank you. Thats actually pretty inspirational. I really do try to hold out hope its just that alot of times I feel like it'll never get better. I might eventually stop pretending so much but for now I kinda feel its all I know. Anyway thank you for replying that actually made me feel better that there are people who know how I feel.
@glitchedfield I can relate to the feeling of it never getting better. After living my entire life with this I sometimes doubt that things will get better. But I am still here, sometimes I'm not sure why exactly but I'm here and that's all that matters really. I like to believe that things get better with time and it's something I have to work on personally. No one can come make everything better for me, it's up to me to change my own life. It would be so much easier to let someone else fix me but that won't happen, all I can do is try to hold onto the ones who support me and hope it's enough to get me through.
It's not an easy road but if others have managed to get through it and find happiness, what makes us any different? We all have that capability to get better.
It's okay if you want to pretend for a while longer. I know that it's hard to stop pretending. It's easier to just act like things are fine. But when the time comes where you don't want to do it anymore, just let that mask go. There are people out there who will love you with that mask off, it's hard to believe but it's true.
I'm glad that you found comfort in my reply :) Keep fighting, do it for that future self. Brighter days will come.
https://www.facebook.com/BuzzFeedVideo/videos/1886992844774922/
I hope this video saved someone's life today..
https://www.facebook.com/BuzzFeedVideo/videos/1886992844774922/
