I don't know if I'm depressed, help

I think I should tell me story first? I don't know how this works but i just need someone to tell me what to do. When I was in a younger age, I experienced little stuffs that led me thinking how worthless I am as a person. I tend to cut myself, not with blades but ballpen tips til it breaks through my skin cause I thought they'd hurt more. For me, physical pain is a relief. And years passed, I stopped harming myself. But, most nights, I cry, I always doubt myself in every situation. I always think how I was always the second choice, how ugly I was, how worthless I am, how everyone would want anyone else than me, how stupid I am. And last night, everything just happened at once, it's my birthday soon and I'm afraid the day would be like the others, I'd be alone. No one would remember me. There's also this thing i wanted to do, but ended i couldn't and more on the list. And i just gave up, I almost, somehow harmed myself again last night, and think about how I just wanted to die. Suicide. But through all of this, I always thought it's fine. That it's just something I have to put up with. That I'm not depressed. That it's normal to happen. Is this normal? I don't really know.