I don't know what I must do

I am new here and I'm just looking for any sort of advice that can help me.

I have been dealing with a lot of things for the past 3-4 months.

I had a break-up , my grandmother passed away and I have been feeling immense stress because of my college entrance exams in a few months.

Earlier this year I had shifted to a new house and lost my connections to my old life and friends. I have tried to reach out to the friends I have and the older ones too, but I am still not able to feel any better. Some of them have possibly gotten tired of tending to my needs and I feel I need to find help elsewhere. My sister too tried to help me but she couldn't do much. I do not have a great relationship with my parents and I dont feel very comfortable talking to them about it.

A few days ago, my ex texted me saying she has finally moved on and was in some sort of 'venting out' phase. We had a very mature break up(4 months ago) and the reason behind it is something I do not want to discuss. But what I can tell is that neither her or I made a mistake which led to it. The circumstances were making it difficult for us to continue and she decided to end it.

As for her 'venting out' phase. She proceeded to say a lot of things. About what I did not do, what I did wrong and what I made her feel. She however said that it was only a phase she is in and she doesn't hate me or want me to feel bad.

I do not know why I let her do that. But now I do not feel like a good person. I don't like the things I have done and how I have dealt with things for these 4 months. I have to admit that I did make mistakes but I never realised it had that much of an effect. I feel like I deserve to feel like this. I tried to explain my side of things to her or tried to apologise, but she simply stated that I was just playing victim.

I don't know what caused the sudden change in her behaviour as she and I were on good terms last month. We have been both giving certain exams for the last 20 days and this is the first time we talked since then.

I don't know if what she said was in a fit of rage or I actually have never been a good person. But the words are somehow affecting me very much. I feel like I am not the person I think I am and I will never be good enough for anything.

I have been feeling like this for a long time now and probably the things that happened in the last few days have made me come here.

I have tried everything people have advised me to do so. I have focused on my hobbies, I have made my exams my primary focus and have even tried to socialize in gatherings that I often avoided.

I am tired of reaching out. I am not able to heal myself.

It seems like I have reached a dead end and nothing can pull me out of feeling like this. What frustrates me more is that I know what are the important things I must be focusing on, but I am not able to. It makes me worried about my future and the person I am slowly becoming into. Sometimes I am filled with contempt and rage at others. I really want to change but I dont know if I actually am changing at all.

I apologize for this really long message. It might not seem very informative at times as I do not wish to share some things and some things are just too complicated to explain.

Any words of advice will be very much appreciated. I thank you all in advance.