I hate how i am

I hate that i push people away. I hate that i dont communicate with people i hate that im not close to my family. I hate that i feel like shit i hate myself for ruining everything. I hate that i waste everyones time. I hate being scared to show feelings. I hate that i cant find friends. I hate that i smoke. I hate that im lazy. I hate i cant fall asleep. I hate when i sleep i sleep all day. I hate that i have to fake it. I hate that im not right in the head. I hate the way i am