I just can't take another moment of this anymore.

i have severe ptsd and im tired of living like this, every day is just misery, every night when i sleep is misery, 90% of the time during the day i am triggered by little things. a smell, a thought, a memory, hearing someones name, something anything triggers me. pills just numbed me, im already half way numb i dont want to take pills that will just numb me and change how i feel and then going through life alone.
no one to have your back no one to love you no one telling you they love you and everything you do doesn't matter because theres no one to appreciate it and at the end of the day youre there by yourself with just you. theres no one to make memories with or to share things with and get close too and its just yourself alone, no one to check on you see how you are doing no one to care if you take your next breath of air or not. no one who will miss me when i am gone, thats not a life to live

my mom killed herself when i was 25, that was 11 years ago. she had bad health but thats not why she ended her life. she ended her life because she was alone, single, every guy played games with her, no one wanted her, she got tired of living alone and being single she got tired of not mattering to anyone else but herself and me, she got tired of never having a guy touch her and be intimate with her, and touch her with love.

she got tired of being alone, she ended her life to be in the spirit world with her mom and dad so she wouldn't be alone. the dark loneliness that surrounded her is why she ended her life. and im facing the same dark loneliness.every day i struggle and fight to go against it to keep it from swallowing me up. but i dont know how much longer i can fight it, im mentally, emotionally, physically exhausted and drained. i barely even have enough energy to get out of bed. thats how exhausted i am from it.

I am just so tired of being alone and lonely and no one to be with, this loneliness is killing me, every breath, every movement is like shards of glass just ripping and slicing and dicing every inch of me apart from the inside. Because I have no one to share life with, to make memories with to get close too, who will accept me, who will love me, who will want me for who I am. At the end of the day it is just me. I just can't take being single anymore.