I'm a mess... as you can see

I'm going to be as poignant, succinct, yet modest as possible, although, I know I probably won?t sound that way. Through the power of words I often stun my friends with my own writing and how clear (albeit, saddening) I can make my life sound. I love to write, so I like getting feedback from people who I'm comfortable sharing it with. With that, my issues go much deeper than they'll probably appear in this post and with that I hope there's someone who can see past my babble and see someone whose really hurting and needs some serious help.

I'm a dude, I'm 18, I'm gay. I've been diagnosed with acute depression along with suicidal tendencies since I was 13. It's ironic that through everything, being gay has been the least detrimental component in my whole life. My entire family is estranged. I haven't told my mother or father I've loved them in years. Thinking now, the only time I did say that to them was when I was institutionalized and felt obligated to after visiting hours were over. I've endured a lot of domestic abuse. I've never been injured or hurt, although my older brother and mother have. There have been times that the police were involved and my dad would be gone for months and then suddenly return.

He used to hit my mom, a lot, he's hit my brother too, not as much now, I suppose. He has gone to jail for hitting my mom and brother. Two years ago my dad threw the Christmas tree, ornaments and all, on the front lawn and I was the one at three in the morning picking it up. The next day I have to lie to my four year old nephew because he's asking me where the Christmas tree went. Once when I was little my dad was taken by the police and my uncle came over and was the first one to ever ask me what I wanted to be when I was older and to actually be interested in me and at the time I wished I could ask him if I could live with him but knowing that it wouldn?t be possible was truly a dismal feeling. My first boyfriend drove me literally insane, I would claw at my arms, my face and pull out my hair and would burn myself to feel something/anything. For reasons unimportant, it landed me in a looney bin. For two weeks after coming home from the mental institute it seemed like things might be different in my family now that they were aware of my feelings and how they affected me, however ultimately, it never was and they still fight to this day.

To everyone I know, my parents are quaint and kind people, when in reality we?re all miserable and oppressed by the way things are. These nice parents they think I have are not that great. Yes, they do nice things for me like buy me iPhones and TVs, but they don't talk to me, but they love to talk about me and think that I can't hear them in this tiny ass prison of a house. They live to complain about the horrible things I do like, let?s see, drink the last soda or keep upwards of three glasses in my room because I was too disgustingly lazy to bring them to the kitchen or my favorite: being an alcoholic for the one empty beer bottle tucked away behind my TV. You know, I must be such a disappointing son to not have ever had my stomach pumped from overdosing or committing felonies and going to prison or graduating from high school. God forbid, I do things like drink the last Dr. Pepper? Wow, not even I can believe it. Back to the prison that is my house, unfortunately, I was only eight years old when we moved here. I had virtually no say whether we live in this house or not. Being older, I have no idea what compelled them to buy a house like this. It?s a one-story ranch style house that might as well be an apartment or a trailer. We are not wealthy but we are also not struggling what-so-ever. I remember there were plenty of larger and cleaner, well-kept houses that they turned down. Regardless, that?s not the point. The windows, all wooden; at least 20+ years old, are rotting away, dysfunctional, and overall gross. A lot of the doors make irritatingly loud noises when opened and closed. Some doors are just completely broken. When walking around, the house incessantly creaks. As soon as I open my bedroom door, I?m within 20 feet of all other rooms in the house. Since my parents are not married nor get along, my father sleeps on the couch. So, I open my door and will almost always see my father there across the hall on the couch in the living room. If he isn?t there, he?s in the kitchen. I?m not complaining about having a small house or whatever, but the lack of privacy. Since the kitchen is connected to the living room, if he is sleeping on the couch there is pretty much no way that I can eat anything because if there?s any noise, he?ll yell. It all seems petty, but there is this certain oblivion with my parents which renders them completely useless and plain out stupid people. They don?t realize that when a pipe bursts or that a screen door breaks that you can fix these things. Now, I don?t know if they know this or not or if they?re just lazy but it?s seriously one of the most annoying things to have to just sit here and watch. They are more then capable of affording/fixing/doing these things but yet they choose to live in mediocrity and filth and disarray. I just don?t understand. My house isn?t ?dirty,? we keep it clean, but sometimes I wonder if it?s even worth trying because no matter how much we sweep the wood floors, dust, disinfect, etc., the house is still old and beyond redemption. My parents would often ask me why I never keep my room clean and ask me how I?m going to live on my own like that. The oblivion is actually amusing sometimes, I plan to live somewhere that?s not 5,000 years old. I guess it may be ignorant for me to assume that all people would feel better with these things improved but why live so low maintenance? I?m just proud to say that once (if) I move out, I will be so happy to leave them and this self-destructive lifestyle behind. They?re just cheap. Instead of eating potatoes that are made from powder, a piece of bread with margarine, and a dry piece of meat, I?ll be eating something a little more? real? Natural? Healthy? I don?t know, just not crap. These meals are what?s made me gain so much weight. I could choose to not eat it but then I would be starving, looking into my fridge seeing the same fake potatoes, fake butter, fake everything and resort to eating the abundance of junk food they buy. If I wanted to throw something together that remotely resembled something containing natural ingredients, it would make too much noise, angering my father. Hence, gaining weight. I know I sound like a neurotic jerk, but they complain about this stuff! They literally curse and swear when they can?t operate a door, they complain about their food not tasting good, they complain about all of our pets when it was their idea to own them, etc. Trust me, I am fully aware of those who choose to live low maintenance lifestyles, I am one of those people, but they don?t choose anything, they just live like crap, continuing to believe in nothing. They?re unclear of what is considered healthy, they?re just oblivious. Oblivious, oblivious, oblivious, oblivious. It?s hard to fathom that after living for as long as them they still know so little. I should just digress because these are the little things I think about in my head that make me hate having to still be here and just further my being depressed. Hopefully, you can make some reasonable sense as to how this effects my mood and life.

I don't love them but I have to just because they're my parents right? If they wanted children they should act like they actually have one. When my dad was gone for a month because my mom had a restraining order, it was the best month of all of our lives but my mom let him come back and I don't understand, I really don't. My dad would text me telling me he's going to kill himself and beg me to stay at a hotel with him or go out to dinner with me and me having to feel terrible that I'm ignoring him because I'm just too nice to do that but did it anyway and cried about it constantly. I?d tell my mom and she'd do nothing about it. What's happening today is my brother is getting kicked out of his place by his girlfriend because they're breaking up and now all my parents can think about is my brother and his girlfriends destitute life, supporting my brother to spend money on motorcycles and four wheelers and to work at Hannahford (a north-eastern market franchise) or Jiffy Lube or wherever the fuck he works. While they have a promising 18 year who wishes on all things that he went to college but instead are focused on the 30,000 toys they need to buy my nephew this Christmas when he's not even their child. If they knew anything about me they might realize that I'm kind of smart and might actually go somewhere but no, I'm just another spawn of my worthless brother, just gay. So, that only makes it more awkward. If you asked them to list ten vital things about my life and what what I?m interested in, I?d be shocked if they could list three.

Being estranged to your immediate family is a really difficult thing. To not be able to look your parents in the eyes when you speak with them is also strange. It's not hard to talk to them or ask them things, but for some reason nothing ever seems to get done. (And when I say it?s not hard to talk to them I mean it?s easy to ask them what is for dinner and never goes much deeper than that.) That said, I graduated high school last year and am still unemployed, without a license, and clueless about higher education. Sure, high school can be helpful with these things, but my school district is so large with a graduating class of about 750. You're considered a number rather than a student. In high school, I'd like to think that when I wasn't hated or known previously, I was admirable to others. I was the kind of person who made sure I looked perfect in my eyes before I left my house. Socially, I talked to "everyone," I've never had that concrete circle of friends. I was also quite thin, but not too thin and I like to think that, then, I was a modestly attractive person. I completed assignments on time and never had a challenging time with the work. I found that I was never bullied for being gay because of how intimidating I may have been. Popularity was a hard thing to come by. It took a lot of determination before I got the recognition I yearned for. Before any of that, I was made fun of relentlessly. Thankfully for the lack of memory in my peers I was able to put all of what once made me ?weird? behind me and slowly nudge myself into a higher social status among others with little things like my appearance, etc. With such a lousy family life, I needed this kind of recognition. I don?t think of it so much as narcissistic banter as someone reading this would assume but a really genuine feat on my part. I used to be a loser, seriously, and this felt great. Throughout what seemed like an above average and content life, I had dated someone almost twice my age, gone to rehab for addiction; amongst other things, and battled domestic issues so my life never really was all that smooth. However, high school obviously seemed to have been a positive thing for me. I figured, as most do, that this too shall pass. I always knew that all the things that mattered to you in high school wouldn't matter to you afterward, but I never knew this would be something that affected me so much. That was always the kind of thing I thought about an athlete who thought he was so amazing but truly was a boring and uninviting person. I know I sound narcissistic the way I describe myself and the way I write, but truly, in reality I was really very humble and put most others before me and still do. I was always very passionate about defending others who were defenseless, I never made fun of others, I never made anyone feel lesser than me. If the opportunity rose that I could sacrifice something of myself to help someone who struggled I was there. I remember as a freshman I often talked to a girl in the 8th grade who was very unhappy with her life. I like to think I gave her hope because she had no one just like myself at the same time in my life, she was me, just a girl. I gave her advice about what to expect in high school and the things I?ve endured that were similar to her endeavor in hopes she wouldn?t harm herself the way she threatened. Today, she is a senior in high school. She is untouchable, beautiful, and popular. Truly beautiful?a porcelain doll. I like to think that I helped her in some way to achieve the same feat that I did. Although, I guess I would rather take no credit as I didn?t have anyone to help me and I?m sure nothing I said made her path that much clearer. It?s a battle with yourself and only yourself and yes, what others say may guide you, it doesn?t do the actual work. I digress.

Since graduating, I've found myself 45 pounds heavier, lonely, and misguided. My vocal teacher told me I could audition to any music school in the country and be accepted based on talent alone. A very inspirational thing to say that ultimately lead me nowhere. Since then, I've accepted the fact that any musical endeavor I may have once yearned for would be no longer. The realization was hard and all the prowess I had gained for singing was reduced to mediocrity in a matter of months. Gaining so much weight has given me some of the worst body image issues I could have ever imagined. It's really unfortunate that at one point in my life I could look in a mirror and feel confident that I could impress simply by the way I looked. Now the mirror is my worst fear and the person looking back is my worst enemy. Like most teenagers, I dabbled in that of facebook, twitter, and instagram. I'm guilty of having taken many selfies at one time in my life and being at the zenith of all social networking. Now, I use no social networking what-so-ever because I feel way too embarrassed for anyone to see the kind of thing I've become. The most recent picture that contains a full image of my face or full body will be dated more than a year ago. It truly sucks to feel like I have to hide from everyone I ever knew because I don?t look the same way I used to. Because of this I?ve pretty much lost all hope of ever reconnecting or fortifying any relationships I might have had leaving me about 95% alone. My once eccentric wardrobe has grossly dulled to the same black shoes and different colored t-shirts of the same brand. The lack of a tight-knit friend circle renders my current social life almost nonexistent. Remaining only good acquaintances with a massive amount of others was something I always found to be so admirable so that's what I became, little did I know how unrewarding it would turn out to be. Thankfully, I have two friends who I see ever so often that keep me from going utterly insane from the loneliness. Unfortunately, I would not be caught dead talking to them about the way I feel simply because their emotional depth is more shallow than a six inch deep swimming pool. They simply have great lives and are the type of people who would even go as far as to say that depression is just a phase and not an illness. My entire life I?ve struggled to connect with others on this level. Very few times I?ve met someone who I could truly talk personal with and for some reason these people didn?t seem to stay in my life. Going into public makes me feel inhuman because I feel so fat. Hanging out with people I'm not comfortable with makes me feel inhuman because I have no confidence. I've always been an introvert, but never this severely. Without a considerable family I haven't felt any sort of affection in years. It's easy to say, "I'm taking a year off before college," but is that really what it is? The way it sounds is that at one point in my life things will come together. In reality, I'm scared and I have no idea what to do. I have no support, motivation, family, friends, or promise. Everything I worked so hard to gain and become in high school has been utterly ripped from my being. I can admit that trying to make myself look good in others eyes was for the attention it brought but it was more-so to make me feel better about myself. A career in music was wrapped with a bow in my hands and I managed to screw that up, too. Day after day, I'm saddened to have woken up and continue my day in my dark and dismal room until inevitably it's time to go to sleep once again. The way the dark colored walls of my room leer over me all day make the future appear so bleak. I?m buried alive, everyday I wake up in a coffin. I only make it worse with my personality. I?m notoriously sarcastic and funny. I cover up real emotions with jokes about the way I feel, like telling my friends that my family is ?greeeeat,? and things of the sort. Pathetically enough, if you asked my friends what they thought of my emotional state they would most likely all come to establish that I?m generally a happy and positive person. They?d be right that I do indeed remain positive, but it literally makes me sob to know that my closest friends and family will probably never know how polar opposite from happy I really am. Honestly, what is a kid to do? I don?t know how I?ll ever continue my life. How am I supposed to get my license with parents like this? How am I supposed to get a job? If I could do even just these small things, half of what I?ve written here becomes completely obsolete! That easily! I honestly just have no way of making it that far and it just sounds so pathetic. I can?t help but take pity on myself. ADVICE? WERE YOU EVER IN THIS POSITION WHERE EVERYTHING YOU ONCE HAD IS GONE? YOUR PARENTS ARE DUMB? HELP??