I'm depressed... venting... my mind isn't here... just need a friendly soul... I will regret posting this.

I'm fed up with being misunderstood by others. Just asked for a little advice by someone and they suggested I ditch my art course and head to a different college so I could make new friends and have a fresh start. Funnily enough they didn't hear me speak when I mentioned that I had only just joined a separate campus to gain a fresh start and keep the very little bit of sanity I hold closer to me all the while trying to avoid people that have sabotaged my life in the meanest, cruelest way -- being assaulted by an ex who attended my previous college, so I had to transfer.

I'm not myself right now, so I can't properly articulate or feel. I'm just frustrated and angry at everyone. Heck, I feel like I could pick a good fight with anyone right now just so I can feel something whether that's adrenaline or the humilation I would be putting myself through. This doesn't sound like depression at all, I know, but I am clinically depressed and having to take Sertraline to stabilise my emotions.

I haven't been so good at taking them lately, few times this month I've spent a couple of days at a time off them because I simply couldn't get out of bed. Right now I'm not myself, this isn't me, this isn't who I am and right now I feel automatic. I just hate that no matter how simple my use of English is people still fail to understand me and suggest things without having a clue what I'm talking about despite it being obvious.

I know it isn't their fault, but I still can't help wanting to slap them. The other night I got myself really worked up over some random 7Cups user calling one of my favourite bands "gay". Now, reading this you might think I'm as young as 14 when I'm 18. Or this could be my delusions talking, right now I'm neglecting sleep so maybe right now my train of thought isn't clear and I am delusional.

Remember, people. THIS. IS. NOT. ME. I have the evidence in my diary. Comparing how well I was able to form sentences to right now struggling to even think clearly without wanting to pass out. Past posts and everything which can determine how much my concentration has deteriorated since then. I've posted something on 7Cups before slipping into this dissociative funk. I hate this version of me, it's robotic and is formed by my depression. I know it is as I've been through it before, but it's harder to pull out of then sinking into. What makes this even more difficult is that other people are witnessing this, addressing this as my personality when it's only a prototype. Right now my personality has evaporated, so has my humour and self-confidence. I feel like I'm behind my eyes peering out from them. I'm not in my body right now, I'm in my head.

It's dissociation. I've been through this before. I just want someone to hug me and tell me things will be okay. My best friend who treated me poorly during a failed relationship is now speaking to me less and less. I'm not sure if I should still be feeling unnerved by how he treated me. Because despite no longer having romantic feelings for him, the way he treated me makes me question myself as a person -- how rubbish am I?? Do I make such a bad partner??? What did I do wrong???? I must be the worst partner ever... even my best friend loses feelings for me. Then again, he strung me along and told me to "go talk to my parents" instead of talking to him when I was feeling down and needed cheering up from my boyfriend.

I needed to vent here because I had nowhere else to go. I hope someone doesn't jump to conclusions over me. Please understand THIS... right here... is not me.