I'm having trouble finding who I am.

My name is Aly. I've been having depression and mental breakdowns for almost 10 years. It all started when I was diagnosed with type one diabetes in 2008 when I was 13 years old. My life has never been the same. In the beginning, I always used to take care of myself. I kept my blood sugars in order, and my doctors were always proud of me. Then, I got older, and because my parent's trusted me to take care of myself, I assumed, I stopped caring. It got harder to remember to check my sugars and give myself insulin. My A1C would always be so great. It was at 6.5 for almost 4 years straight, and now over the years, it's at 16. I've been hospitalized three times in two months for diabetic ketoacidosis. I can't come to understand why I just don't care enough to watch myself like I'm supposed to. Maybe it's because I've always kind of been a lazy person, or maybe it's because I honestly just don't care. I'm always sick, and I know in the back of my mind that I'm doing it to myself, but I feel like no matter what I do in life, or what/who I have, I just can't seem to find a reason to want to care about my health. I think if I had gotten diabetes when I was very young, it would have been easier to take care of, because it would have been my whole life already. I know it's bad to think that sometimes I wish I could start my life over and make things the way they are supposed to be, but if I could do everything over, I'd want to make it so I could remember what it's like to be happy with myself again. I have such a low self esteem. I've been with my boyfriend, Sean, for a little over a month now, and he treats me like gold. He says all these nice things to me, and accepts me when I'm at my best, and my worst. Sadly, I've been at my worst more than I've been at my best. After I got my diabetes, everything started going downhill. I developed all of these physical, and mental problems, and even to this day, I can't control them all. I'm almost positive that I have bipolar disorder, and a lot of the time, I get angry at Sean for reasons that shouldn't be a big deal. Granted, I'm the type of person who is capable of apologizing when I'm wrong, and I always do to him, but I put myself down so much, that in the back of my mind, I feel as though saying sorry to him isn't enough for the way I act. I always tell him how he deserves better than me, because half the time all I do is yell at the poor boy, but I honestly can't express to him how much I care about him in words. He's the only one who has understood me in a very long time, and we are with each other all the time, because he's leaving for trucking school soon, and I guess I'm just trying to be around him as much as possible before I'm not going to see him for a really long time. And as much as I'm around him, and all the fun we have, I can't help but let the thought stick in the back of my mind that he's going to be leaving me. I hate sounding selfish, but I know that when he's gone, I'm going to be an emotional wreck. I guess that's one of the main reasons why this is titled "I'm having trouble finding myself" because I feel like I never know who I am without Sean around, and from what I've read about relationships, it's important to be independent, and not depend on anyone to make you happy. That is what it was like in my last relationship. I was married for 3 months to someone I met in New York. I ended up moving with my father to Tennessee, and my ex's plan was to get his act together in New York, since he was disabled and had been denied 5 years in a row for his disability, which is finally supposed to be given to him within the next 6 months, and he was going to come back to Tennessee so we could find a place to live. After he helped us move for the first two weeks we were in the new Tennessee house, and he got on the plane to go back to New York, he changed. His family are all terrible people, and they treat him horribly. Because of the way he was treated, he took all of his anger out on me. We would talk on the phone, text, or Skype, and all he would do every night is find some kind of stupid reason to start a fight with me. I couldn't take it anymore. So the final night on Skype, after he was starting with me again, I kept yelling at him, and asking him over and over again if he wanted a divorce. When I finally got a yes out of him, I knew it was over. That was in August. In the middle-end of September is when I found Sean, and right away, I knew we were going to be good for each other. My dad thinks I rush into relationships, and maybe he's right, but I feel that with Andrew (my ex) I just didn't feel anything with him. Especially towards the end. Not even remotely how I feel when I look at Sean. So in a sense, I can honestly say that I never really loved Andrew. He was always so negative, and never trusted me, and always told me what he hated about me. Even verbally and physically abused me at points, but that's nothing new. Almost every relationship I had I was sexually abused. Men always looked at me for what they saw on the outside, and never the inside. The only two relationships that weren't like that was the relationship I had where I was engaged to him, but I ended up breaking it off because he was too focused on school and work and didn't have time for me anymore, and I ended up not loving him as much as I did when I first met him, and that was a 3 year relationship. His name was Chris. Chris and Sean. The only two real people I have ever known on this whole planet. And it's crazy, because all I have ever known was being a sexual object, and to have someone who doesn't see me for that and is able to see through me for who I am is something I'm just not used to. Maybe that's why my bipolar comes out to Sean, because I'm not used to being treated so amazingly. He really is the best thing that has ever happened to me in such a long time. It's hard now trying to picture my life without him. I know a month isn't long, but he is just so genuine and has such a big heart. He's down to earth, and he makes me feel like a million bucks. Is it a common thing to treat the people you care about the most like that? I feel like I want to die inside every time I lash out on Sean for no reason. I really do think that I lash out to take out all the pain I'm holding inside. My parents divorced a couple years ago, and that took a big hit on my heart as well. Now, they absolutely hate each other. My mom cheated on my dad with our neighbor at the time, and my dad hated the fact that my mom was so sick and angry. I never really knew who's side of the story was real and who to believe or whatnot, but eventually, I just stopped caring because even though they are my parents, what goes on between the two of them is just none of my business, no matter how bad it hurt. I guess none of it really matters now, because my mom disowned me when she left me at the hospital when I had no way of getting home. She said I was no longer her responsibility, and no longer her daughter. That hurt me so much. I haven't spoken to her since then. It's probably a good idea to keep her out of my life because of all the things she put me through, especially in the past when I was little and she used to beat me and my older sister, but part of me misses my mom so much. My sister doesn't talk to her either, but she hates my mom, and that's her choice. There is just something special about the bond between a mother and a daughter that I will always miss and wish I could get back with her. I miss how she used to be. How she was always there for me and supported me, and was always my biggest fan when it came to my music. I've been a singer and songwriter since I was 3 years old. My mom was always there. A lot of how I feel gets put into my music.I wouldn't say it makes me feel better, but I guess it's cool to get my emotions out and have them in songs. But sometimes I don't understand the concept of talking about our problems, like how I'm talking to you all now. Why do we open up when all it does is make us remember? Just a thought. To somehow conclude this novel of a stupid sob story from just another girl, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of never being able to get my family back again, and never being able to accept the fact that things will never go back to the way they used to be. I'm afraid that one day, I'm going to lash out so bad because of all the problems I'm holding inside, that I'm going to lose the one person I have left on this earth. Sean is my everything right now, and I'm trying to figure out how to be the best I can be for him so he doesn't walk away from me. I'm afraid of what is going to become of me, because even with Sean, I'm having trouble figuring out why I don't take responsibility for my diabetes and my other health issues. I'm afraid that I'm never going to remember what it's like to be happy to my own standards. I just want all the happiness I once had. I need someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay, and I don't know where else to turn.