I’m not going to heaven or hell

I don't even know what I'm doing writing this, I'm trying so hard to get back into my mind/ soul or just feel some sort of happiness before I lose myself. I've completely disconnected myself from who I was as a child, we are completely two different beings now. Im 25 years old and sometimes I can barely remember my name because all my repressed and then supressed memories, I've been doing this ever since I was baby considering I remember nothing of my childhood. I could sorta put some memories together around the age of 13-14 but from that point on I've been doing it subconsciously over the past years so it feels like only been alive a few years. I assume something very drastically happened to me when I was little so that caused me to be traumatized at a very young age and I must of just suppressed the whole memory of it, Also another factor could be my parents splitting up when I was very young and I cannot even picture them together or even them loving each other. I starting to forgot my father and my whole perspective of who I thought he was, we haven't talked in about 8 years and never did talk much when I did briefly know him. My parents both had their own addictions, dad was on the pills(perks, oxys and coke) and mom was turning into an alcoholic when ever they did break up, and from what people tell me I was about 4-5 years old when they did leave each other. I know I was a daddy's boy as a kid thought because of the love I had for him, I mostly stayed with my mother because she starting selling drugs and would always bribe me with games and stuff, so when they split I was mainly with my mom but I honestly loved my dad more... at first, but then I starting getting more emotionally attached to my mom and I never realized at the time that she had such a big drinking problem, at least drinking 12-20 beer or more every single day ever since I was 14 years old that I can remember. I took all that anger I had in me that I never knew what it was at the time all out on my younger brother, and mercilessly always verbally abused him because he was so sensitive and would cry over every little thing and I regret every single word I ever hurt him with because he was soo innocent. I'm also very sorry that i am everywhere with this story or whatever I'm writing here, but I am unable to pin point memories in my past, I really have to think about it and deal with old emotions that come up that I've repressed as kid which is causing me to have terrible memory and now I'm just supressing random thoughts for no reason. So my mind is a very big mess within a maze in a locked box in another maze. But anyways I'm trying my best to keep sense of what I'm saying. My mom had schizophrenia but it was real bad when she drank vodka, it was a very big trigger for her but I can't even deal with the thought of being schizophrenic because I've always been such a logical thinker but I'm slowly starting to see my mind dramatically change for the bad as I watch my thoughts flow like a river. My only clear long term memory I have is when I dated this girl for 5 years when I was 15-16 years old, she was the only thing that gave me true happiness other from my mother which can never be fulfilled again because my mom passed away when I was 17 from a failing liver caused by drinking most of her life. It was two days after her birthday but we were celebrating her birthday two days later at some hotel with the same girl I was dating at the time and my mother bought 500$ worth of alcohol and we drank all in one night and when I woke up my mother was frozen and couldn't move or talk, her eyes were pitch yellow and she was starting to turn cold so I called 911, they rushed her to the hospital and without telling me or my brother they flew her to another hospital 4 hours away, so no one went with her so we instantly drove to the city they flew her too but when we got there I saw 6 of my family's member standing outside the hospital just starring at the ground and no ones moving, I already knew what happened but it didn't really hit until they told me she died on the plane by herself, right in the that moment I never felt my soul leave my body so fast, I instantly tried to suppress my whole life, her, and who I was. At first it worked because honestly I felt soo free a little bit later that day really thinking about it because I couldn't think of nothing to do or what to do because Most my teenage life was dedicated to watching my mother and making sure she was okay because she loved to party and was always travelling, I forgot to say me and my mother moved away together when I was around 14-15 years old to some city in Canada because my mother had a failing liver and needed a liver transplant, but she got put on a list for one except for every drop of liquor she put in her body it would cause her to be put on the bottom of the list and she drank mostly everyday I knew her and because of all the abuse and rape she went through, yea I saw my own mother get raped when I was little and did nothing about it until I got older but that's another story, any ways while me moved away I met that girl and we started dating and I'm glad my mom got to meet her for a little bit and that she got to see my mothers good side, because she feel even more into the drugs and alcohol when we moved away, none of my family members know what really happened when we moved away, she did soo much drugs and drank so much hard liquor her schizophrenia just went off and she would start to beat me for no reason, make me get shit faced drunk or get beat, one morning before school she made me chug half a bottle of wine just for her amusement then lock me in a garage for Christmas because I called her a slut for dating two guys at once, I didn't appreciate what she was doing to their feelings but she was very manipulative and a little narcissistic because of her past, but that's a whole another story, I don't like talking about that stuff because it seems like I'm talking bad about her but I'm not, it sorta just happened so thought is mention it but I've forgotten what her voice sounds like and her face is also starting to fade away so any thought is dearing to me. When my mother died that night I drank a 60 of vodka with my best friend, we broke into an old construction sight with no thought of what we're doing, I just needed to scream and cry until I couldn't breathe anymore, my best friend cried with me considering she was like a mother to him as well, but I was soo hurt and she was the only person on earth that gave me that much love Which I never appreciated at the time. I then locked on to my girlfriends love and soul and she made everything better but she ended up sleeping with my best friend(same one I drank with when i mother died and we knew each other since little kids) but after that happened all my love just disappeared, I started to feel really sick waking up next to her and couldn't even look at her face without feeling some dark inner rage, which gave me the power to leave her that I'd never thought I'd be able to do because the idea of it just seemed impossible before the betrayal but you live and learn I guess. After I left her I felt even worse, starting eating shrooms(14g my first time) just I escape reality but it was quite the opposite, shrooms made me deal with a lot of pain but made everything better after the pain ended so I started to get addicted to shrooms and morphing my reality to anything instead of how I perceive things in this world. I started to realize the more you choose to forgot or basically give up all your memories of who you are and what you think you know, would let me have more incredible trips that let me leave this planet, but eventually I started getting too deep i my own head, So I stopped the shrooms and started drinking and doing acid, molly, xans anything to feel up. Two years after my mom passed my uncle started smoking meth and got addicted, my whole family knew but did nothing because we did not know how to address the situation, I'd just sit with him as he shows me his glass and stuff and chill with him while he smokes his ice but mainly just listening to him. I was fascinated what It was doing to his mind and how much he was changing, but he did get addicted and about 3 months in he was almost decapited at the local park in my home town for a local drug debt, two guys stabbed him in the neck then tried to cut his head off but ended up just posing him as Jesus with a bag on his head, I was supposed to find him Coke the night but never got to it. This is when I really broke down and thought death was coming for my whole family considering there are abunch of other deaths that happened that I really can't remember I talk about right now, but at this point I fell hard the in the liquor and insomnia, I was addicted to staying up for 80-100 hours at a time just got the sleep deprivation high and I was addicted to the suffering.. I still am. This is the first time in a long time that I'm trying to remember memory's in my head. Any thought right now is good thought because of my drugs addiction, I've always had a drinking and smoking weed/cigarettes problem but that's just a necessity for me now. I'm 25 right now but two years ago my friend gave me a line of meth which he said it was coke, when I first did it I felt a crazy brain freezing feeling like chunks of my brain was getting ripped out but then every breathe I took was filled with joy and happiness, I felt happy again, like real happy and kept doing it for like 4 days because when I drink I love to binge and I loved how it kept me up for days, but I after the four days it took me 1 month to kick the withdrawals but like 1-1/2 years later I ended up leaving me hometown due to depression and getting kicked out of my house for not being able to stay in my room which I've done long enough, I sat in that room for months starring at a wall screaming inside my head untill I passed out, I could only do for so long until I popped, after I got kicked out of my grandparents house I stayed at my drinking buddy's places for a while just binging out and started doing a lot of coke again, I did soo much purposely trying to od and on molly but I just never did, I always loved and rode every high this world shot at me, I was even addicted to cough syrup when I was younger but that's very hard to remember right now, but I met some dude at a party and he ended up being my cousin so he said I could stay with him for a little cash and so I did, we connected instantly because of how much we drank and that's all we really did together and a lot of coke but he was from Winnipeg and things weren't working out in my hometown where he just moved too, he drank so much he got fired from his job and he asked me to move to Winnipeg with him and we left the next day without a thought, I didn't care about anything, I had money I spent every cent I had the night before at a party, bought 400$ of coke and 400$ and alcohol and change on weed, so I had no money when I got to Winnipeg, but ended up going to his girlfriends dad place and I've been drinking for so long and we couldn't get booze I was really sick and hungover, after helping my friend and his girl unpack I go downstairs and my cousin is smoking crack and meth with his girls dad and asks if I want a hit, I've never help such of rush of excitement to do crack as I never did before but I smoked it and felt a little tingle in my mind but I couldn't keep my eyes off the meth because I've only snorted it and they were smoking it out a bubble so I was very intrigued to give my soul away, after the first hit I felt like I just fell in a ocean of clouds and every breathe was happy again and filled with joy, I sat there for 12 hours barely moving scrolling on my phone up and down but I felt at peace. I just met my cousins friend and things were starting to get really hectic so he asked me if I wanted to come chill with him, he's from north side Winnipeg so I was little nervous but went considering I don't care about my life and honestly was hoping I'd get shot or stabbed. But he lived with two roommates and they were just abunch of stoners who were tryna get sober off drugs at the time, they asked me to stay with them and I did, this is where I think my vibe kicked in because I was always buying booze and which made the other two guys who lived in the apartment not wanna go to work and just stay home and drink, which they did and after like 3 days of drinking hard liquor the one guy who's been clean for 2 months decides to buy meth because he was apparently a meth head. I got that feeling of excitement again and we started smoking out the bubble and he introduced me to hot rails and instantly fell in love but it wasn't enough, I was getting greedy, I saw him pull out a need and I felt soo much fear because I hate needles but I didn't care. I needed to know what it felt like, so I agressivly ask for a hit and stupidly ask someone to do it for me and I closed my eyes when he put the needle in the but I felt a little pinch then I open my eyes and then saw him push down on the syringe and my god it felt like my body got dipped in a pool of everything that could me feel better and I felt like I was sinking down to hell which felt like heaven, I've only injected three times in my life but smoking the shit is a little different, I've smoked it for a few weeks straight being up 8-9 days at a time, I loved it, every part of it, the struggle, the pain and suffering, everyone's else's pain and suffering, it felt like I had an actual home but now I'm just tryna stay clean and not doing anything but smoke weed and smoke cigarettes, my thoughts ain't happy, every breathe feels like it's being dragged though glass and heavy, cold sweats 24/7, I felt like I was doing okay thought untill I tried herion, I've only did it once a but ima trying my hardest to give my soul to this drug, this drug is pure happiness to me and a cure for every bad thought on my mind, it takes all my negative and dark energy and turns in extremely positive, it's like real love and it's soo scary a d drug can make me feel this way considering how I've been feeling, sometimes I don't know why I even try because this low is just too horrible to feel and I know this fight is gunna take me my whole life just to overcome the feeling, I've been living in the dark for soo long it's starting to feel like home and I'm getting comfortable here, I think about death everyday but it's a very positive thing to me. It gives me happiness just knowing I'm gunna die someday and sometimes I even picture myself dying in random ways just to pass time, but idk what I'm doing I'm trying hard no to enter my dark dark thoughts, probably why I'm just writing the first thing the pops in my mind but I'm sorry for this confusing and all over the place story if you'd call it that, just need to talk to something and knowing real eyes will see this gives me a tiny peace of mind