I'm starting to understand

I have had a few sessions of counselling so far and I'm starting to feel differently. I'm learning a lot about myself through it. It's like I'm finally getting some clarity and answers.

I have spent my whole life trying to find out why I am depressed. I always felt as if there must have been a turning point, an event, something to make me feel unhappy. But that's not the case. There was no big event to bring it on, it was just a process that developed. Looking back I guess I can see valid reasons why I felt so shy, scared, lonely, isolated, and most of all unhappy. I always thought that depression was something that was just there for no reason other than to make me feel worthless but it has a source. I may not be fully sure about all the reasons why I felt so strongly from such a young age but I have some ideas now.

I think I have also found out the source of my self-loathing and worthlessness. I feel like as a child I was always an outcast. I didn't fit in. I was different. I was bullied. But in this horrible time of being bullied and made to feel different and isolated, there was no one to make me feel like I was fine just the way I was. There was no one to make me feel like my life was meaningful, that I was loved, that there was nothing wrong with me. So I carried these feelings. I saw how everyone treated me and treated myself the same way because I wasn't shown any different.

However, through all of that self hatred and bullying I somehow made it. I'm still here now. There are times when I wish I wasn't but I don't let those thoughts win me over.

I never realised how strong I was until this moment. And that makes me feel beautiful. I have never used such a positive word towards myself before, it's overwhelming for me to think that I actually am beautiful and strong and worthy of a positive life. I won't pretend that I'm not crying right now because I am, and that's because I'm so overwhelmed by the idea that I am a strong, beautiful person and I deserve to feel that way. I don't deserve to be put down by others and I definitely don't deserve to do that to myself.

For the first time I feel like a better life is possible for me.

I really just wanted to get this off my chest. If anyone is reading this, thank you for listening to me.