I'm struggling (Trigger warming. I don't want to disturb anyone)
so I don't know if I have depression but lately I've not been feeling my best. I don't know if it's due to the corona virus or my life at home. I at the moment am feeling kinda empty and hopeless. I was feeling like this yesterday as well and my mom confessed to me that she is feeling the same (my mom and I have a strained relationship with my father). So I have a history of child abuse from my dad but I feel like I kinda wish my mind would just forget about it. My dad always tells me he can't change the past but he engages in the same behaviour as the past (such as heavy drinking). I wish I could just forget what he did to me and my mom and for some reason part of me feels like I deserved it.
I don't feel like a good daugther. I don't feel like imma good enough daughter for my dad. I feel like I deserved to be punished. I feel like I should be grateful I'm not homeless and I don't want to tell my friends or others about what I'm experiencing. I felt like I deserved the abuse( I don't know why I'm feeling like this. I've never felt like this before)
@Alwayshungry983
This pandemic really makes depression and loneliness feel worse. Don't worry your not alone, getting over childhood traumas can be really hard and stay with you even if you have tried to forget. just know that you're not alone and there are plenty of people who can relate to you here.
Hi @Alwayshungry983
You don't deserve to be abused. No one ever deserves to be abused. I am sorry that you've had to go through these horrible things, but I will support you no matter what happens. I know that depression can be made worse during this time, but no matter how bad anyone thinks they are, they should not be harmed by another person ever. I hope you can understand that you are a good person, and I hope that you don't feel this way for long.
You are NEVER responsible for someone abusing you and you DO NOT deserve it. The abuser has mental problems - it is all about them, never about the victim. Nothing you could ever do will satisfy the craziness that is in your father, especially when he drinks. That is his flaw, not yours.
You don't deserve to be punished. YOU deserve to be LOVED, and VALUED, and RESPECTED! Don't lose sight of that.
While you don't have to shout it from the rooftops, you need to find someone you trust in whom you can confide. I assume you have a therapist online here on 7 cups. If you can't afford to see a therapist where you are, find a support group, go to Al Anon - both you and your mom should go, it will help you to deal with an alcoholic.
You need to find support. You can't change him, and until you can get out on your own, getting support is very important.
You are a beautiful child of God!
@theatrequeen7 oh thank you for saying this. I don't have a therapist yet on 7 Cups, I'm still relatively new. Does it cost money?
It will be ok.