I regret everything

I've been in depression for many weeks. I just got a boyfriend since January, he's been sweet, he has his own issues (bipolar etc) and I try to help whenever he needs me in his episodes.

It's the first time in my life I can talk about my depression, he was understanding and helped distract me from my negative thoughts. Lately, he's not that.

He is insensitive, he thinks something is wrong with me, he is quick to tell that I'm not helping him at all, and when I'm depressed, he pushed me away.

I regret telling him my thoughts. I regret being depressed and being myself. I regret seeking comfort from him through this time. I tried to help him, I don't care if he can't do the same, I know my depression is the worst one, but what hurts me most is the fact that the one I love most might leave me because of this.

I hate myself. It's too hard to find a listener for this. I have no one in life who I can turn to to help me and gently push me back to my real self. But this is real me. I'm horribly depressed.

It hurts. If he decides to leave me, that is okay. I know where I belong. I know where I stand. I should know that no one should ever know this part of me. I won't tell a soul about my depression. It's just not worth to lose someone over this feeling.

I regret the night I told him my feelings. I regret everything.

Writing this, I didn't expect someone could help. Maybe no one can. I understand. I just wanna let it out, since I cannot tell anyone in my life about it without them pushing me away like I have some kind of disease.

PS. If you read this and you are depressed, I'm sorry. I hope you will feel better soon. - sends warm hugs -

No one deserves this. I'll survive. I'll take it day by day.