I should get out of bed...

I?m about to earn an advanced degree in something I love doing. Writing. One of my pieces even won an award this year. I?ve lost 140lbs. Gained back about 25lbs but I still look tiny compared to before. People describe me as good looking. I have at least a few people in my life who tell me how wonderful, talented and capable I am.I don?t believe a word of it. I should feel great about myself but I feel completely worthless. I haven?t been on a date in over 5 years since I broke it off with my longtime girlfriend. Every once and a while I?ll try and find a date online but never get past the first or second phone call. Since my last relationship I?ve never got to the real life date point. Granted, I don?t really try that hard when I do try. I?ve already decided I?m not going to be with anyone ever again. I?m only 30 years old. What?s wrong with me? I can?t find it in myself to look for a job in my field. Or to apply for internships. Or anything! I?m about to graduate and my mind literally goes straight to getting back into retail. Now, there?s nothing wrong with a retail job. It?s just that I?ve invested all this time and money into learning a skill and I can?t find any confidence at all in my abilities.

I don?t have any friends that live in my current city. Really, I?m finding I don?t know how to make friends outside of a school setting. I?ve tried going to a few meetup events. I just sit there and don?t say anything. I was so outgoing in high school, but now it feels like the social part of my brain is slowly turning to mush.

I have a hard time talking about myself. People go through so much worse than I do. I have no reason for feeling sad all the time. But I do. I used to get excited about the things I was doing with my time or the goals I want to accomplish. Not anymore. When I talk about myself I feel like a fraud. The people who are closest to me have way bigger mental health issues or complications in their lives. I don?t talk to them because I don?t want to be a source of pain or anxiety for them. Not that I feel like anything I have to say is worth talking about. I'll post an update on facebook every once and while only to delete it minutes later. It won't even be anything all that important. It's usaly something like "I saw a movie." or something like that. My feed is full of those kind of posts. But I still feel like what I'm doing or what I'm saying isn't worth any attention.I?m literally finding it hard to post this anonymously online. Anonymously. Like I said, I don?t understand what?s wrong with me.