Is it wrong that I'm depressed?
Hi again everyone.
A few days ago I made a post about me being depressed, but I wanted to make a new one since this is related to my other post in a way.
I've noticed when I'm at school I usually get depressed because I compare myself to other students and see how they're better than me, or good at something that I'm not good at which ends up making me depressed. When I'm at home though I'm rarely depressed. The only time I'll feel depressed is if I get into a fight with my Guardians. I'll feel horrible afterwards. But other than that I'm not really that depressed at home. Is it wrong that I'm like this?
I know this is also going to sound a little ridiculous but sometimes I force myself to feel depressed, but I'm not necessarily sure why. In a way it feels like I'm addicted to the feeling, and I can't go without it. Is it also wrong that I do this?
Thank you in advance.
@espressoguy your learning about yourself, you will learn so much more about yourself and the depression you are experiencing. Do you monitor it in any way and identify patterns? Do you paint or write a journal?
Hey @SisterHaleemaCounselor
Thank you for replying to my post as well. I've started logging my mood in an app called "Moodnote" and it's been heling me recognize when I get depressed, and at certain locations that make me feel depressed. But the app also helps me to refelct back on my mood, and helps me think of how I can better see the ongoing situation.
@EspressoGuy Good for you. Did you get it from google Apps??
I promise you're not alone in feeling the way you d, and your feelings are completely valid.It's not wrong to be feeling certain ways in certain situations because that's how emotions work (depression in particular). It can hit you at any time, but more often when one is put into uncomfortable or unwanted situations.
I can attest to the whole "forcing yourself to be depressed" thing -- sometimes it just becomes force of habit. You don't know how to feel without it, so you think yourself into a black hole. That's okay. Again, you're not alone and it's not your fault so don't feel guilty. It's a difficult thing to deal with, but you're strong to speak up about it and I believe that there definitely are ways to start facilitating a more balanced emotional schedule and working towards freeing yourself from the habit of negative thoughts and emotions. :)
Hi there @canadagranger6,
Thank you. Depression isn't the best, and you're right - I think I feel the same way about being depressed. You're used to being depressed, when things get better, it doesn't seem normal or right. And I think being depressed makes me feel safe because I'm so used to being depressed.
@EspressoGuy your feelings are valid
@EspressoGuys Your feelings are completely valid. It is not uncommon for individuals to feel more depressed in one situation compared to others. In your case you find yourself getting more depressed at school than at home. You are not alone in feeling this way and lots of others get depressed over the constant comparison in schools and other situations that happen during school hours. I obviously don't know the full story and how you feel but when you say you 'force yourself to be depressed' this may be something you are thinking that is untrue. You may be so far into your depression that it has become routine to feel depressed, which again is normal for those suffering with depression. I am sorry that you feel this way though and that I can't be more help. But please know that you are not alone in this 
Hi @interestingMagic64,
You did help me along with everyone who replied to my post. I guess it helps because it feels good to know that my feelings are valid, and that you guys understand me. Thank you.
@EspressoGuy
Hello there. First of all, I want you to tell you one thing that I want you to always remember, and that is:
Every feeling you have is absolutely valid and it is okay to feel whatever you feel.
Once you learn that, you will cope with your problem much easier. If we have a problem, I know it's a cliche, but if we have a problem, first step of overcoming it is accepting it.
You're absolutely NOT the only one who feels this way; I felt that way and I still have that kind of an urge to feel sick (mentally), just because I somehow enjoy it. And it's not only two of us, many people who are my friends and have some kind of a mental problem have that feeling.
The thing most of us are addicted to is not the feeling of low mood, but the feeling of destruction. Try to understand yourself on some deeper level: what do you really get from that kind of a feeling ? And no, I don't want you to make you think that you don't get anything, I want you just to think about it. No judging. Nothing. That's called mindfulness.
I also wanted to tell you: WELL DONE. For what ? Being honest to yourself. That's a big step, you know ? But another step that needs to be taken is to accept how weird we actually are. Great step that you took is also sharing it with other people.
And remember...
It's okay.
@EspressoGuy You're feelings are important and not wrong. Sometimes when we get stressed we go back to what is comfortable. As hard as depression can be, sometimes its what is comfortable and familiar in our lives. You are not alone in feeling this way or struggling with this.. Hope this helps give you some insight.