Isolated and numb

I’m not really sure where to begin, I’m not even sure how i ended up on this app or how things work around here. This is my first post. I’ve just been so lost for quite some time and completely alone. I don’t use that term loosely, either. My depression used to just feel blue, sad, irritable, confused. It is beyond that now. I am so uninterested in myself and my life. Thinking about myself and my past and my present, it all makes me sick. I have no goals or aspirations. I do nothing because I frankly don’t care to. I have pushed away every last one of my dear friends. I love and miss them so much, I don’t know how it became so difficult for me to keep a relationship with them. I’m lucky if we talk once every 6 months. I’ve completely withdrawn from life. I’m beginning to feel almost delusional. My depression used to be me pretending I’m okay, but it is now me not even knowing how to pretend. I no longer am able to act normal because I’m not sure how “normal” well people act. I don’t spend enough time around people to even know. I’ve alienated myself and I’m not sure where to go from here. I don’t know if I’m even ready to try going anywhere yet. I guess posting on here is my first attempt. Again, this is my first post so I hope I didn’t overshare or break any rules or anything haha. Just venting