It’s been 5 years since I’ve relapsed…

Hey lovely, I was in the same situation as you. Life is so tough on us sometimes. And honestly it's okay to feel lost and upset about your emotions and what's going on. But your still here and that's important and I'm proud of you and I bet plenty of other people are too. I feel like we go through self harm to feel something like you said I think that's why activities and hobbies and especially socialisation is so important so we feel happy. Sure self harm may make us feel something but it isn't a positive emotion and in the short and long term isn't a good solution. It's difficult to get out of that habit and I think a lot of people would understand how you feel, youre not alone. I know I'm not one to give advice but personally, not being alone and sitting with someone not even talking, just doing my own thing while being with someone else helped. I hope it gets better for you, love.