It's so hard to deal with my depression and take care of myself.

Hello. This is my first time being on here. I don't really know what I want. At the least I'm going to let all my thoughts and feelings out. For context, I'm 31 female. I've had such bad issues with jobs in the past that I developed PTSD (long story; repeated amounts of being fired; had over 15 different jobs). Been living in a different state to start a new life for almost a full year. My psychiatrist is trying to tweak my medication at each session for the right prescription and dosage. Dealing with depression, anxiety, stress, and hopelessness.

Since I've been unemployed for two months, I've been depressed. A lot of over thinking, feeling bad for myself, feeling unmotivated, poor hygiene, gaining weight, bad thoughts, and bad memories making me feel bad.

Recently, I got a new job. I've been working for the employer for 2 weeks as an envelope jet press operator. I print envelopes. The job by itself is fine. I'm looking forward to be done with training, switch to 2nd shift, and get a nice raise. But this job is making me question my morals. A lot of what I print are junk mail. I don't mind the campaign political mail, (real)societal support groups, or general garbage stuff. There's also propaganda, charity scams, and manipulative religion scams.

I understand that this does not make my employer bad. My employer just takes in jobs from customers to get paid. Yet, I still feel gross being involved in these things. It's not just morals, but I also feel like pointless trash like the envelopes I'm printing. In most of the jobs I had in the past I feel important and dutiful. When i used to work in shitty jobs, like retail or fast food, I feel like I mattered. Even though at Walmart i had abusive managers, I still do an important job with shipping and receiving. I printed envelopes in the past with a different employer, but those aren't junk mail. Those are actual businesses like hospitals, dentistry, real charities, and others that are meant for individuals. Most of the envelopes I print now are thrown in the trash(as they should be) or they would go to people who would fall for false information or donate money to scummy people.

Of course, I would've quit. But I can't. This is when my PTSD sets in. Unemployment sucks and it will make me feel worse. Sometimes I feel like unemployment is a fate worse than death. I will quit if I feel like I need to. For now, I will work and on my time off I will try to seek other jobs. That's the best thing what I can do.

Besides my job, my random thoughts are making me feel bad too. Mostly memories from grade school. I'm an introvert, have social anxiety, and autistic. 5th grade I was a complete social reject. I keep remembering a relatively traumatic moment that scarred me. I have to be in a group project with other kids who don't like me. I didn't know what to do and needed guidance, and the kids don't seem to want my help(I'm considered dumb in their eyes). They told the teacher I wasn't helping, then the teacher told me to sit in my desk. This memory keeps echoing in my mind and I can't get it to stop.

So now, I've been trying to get away from my problems through games on my phone and watching repeat videos on YouTube. It's not healthy. I just don't know what else to really do. I have to really force myself to do things like make calls for appointments, shower, check important emails, even pay bills. This isn't me. I usually take better care of myself even while I'm depressed. That's the most upsetting part. I'm trying to get my shit together, but it's extremely forceful. For some reason that forcefulness hurt, somehow. I'm afraid the only thing that could help me right now is my psychiatrist trying to find the right proscription for me.

That's what's going on right now. If anybody reading this made it this far, thank you. I guess i just want to let out my upsets and be heard.