I've been sinking.

A month ago, my older brother has passed away because of a bicycle accident. It was so sudden. He was a very healthy, athletic, and jolly guy, and his death really took a toll to everyone including me. And yeah, I kinda depended on my boyfriend while I was in the state of grief, but recently he broke up with me because he couldn't handle me. That's when I realized that my emotions have been more confusing and chaotic than ever, and my thoughts are not as clear as before. Sure, I do experience the same stuff even years before, but I feel like this is different. (I feel like I have BPD too, but I couldn't afford myself to have another check-up because of how my family would react). I don't really know how to explain how I feel. I feel like I just have to let this out here because it's becoming toooo heavy for me.