I’ve yet to understand why I’m alive
i envy all of those who see life as something happy. To me it just isn’t. Life is painful. It’s difficult. It’s exhausting. I have spent the past week going in and out of depressive episodes. I’m being abused at work by an employee that isn’t doing his job and I’m confronting the management about it tomorrow, but I’m fearful I’ll have to quit from this.
sxhool is my biggest stressor. It’s the reason I’m typing this at half an hour past midnight. I hate accounting. It doesn’t make sense to me. Even w h accommodations I can’t find anyone to explain it to me. I come home just to bury my face in the pillow and yell because I hate being in this world.
@Server8462
Dear Server,
I understand your frustration with life. I don't actually think that life is supposed to be happy all the time. I agree with what you wrote: it is difficult. it is stressful. and also, it is a constant search for meaning - there is no doubt about it in my mind.
Even though right now maybe you don't have anything to be happy about, I just want to encourage you to believe in yourself and in life that good times are awaiting you. Also, write down some little things in your day that you find enjoyable, be it playing video games, listening to music, taking your mind off while watching some interesting show... really, start with the little things and build up on the bigger ones.
I know that this is much easier said than done, but life won't always be like this.
Sending you lots of hugs and support ❤️
@Server8462
Dear Server,
You said, "Life is painful. It’s difficult. It’s exhausting." and i cannot agree with you even more. It sure is a rocky road ride. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. Everything that's been going on in Your school, your work, it all seems extremely stressful and i cannot imagine what it must feel like being in your shoes. I'm extremely proud of you for taking a step that you thought was right in the case of your work. You are a strong one and i really appreciate what you are doing to make this world a safe and a better place. Everyone deserves a good life and you do too. I hope you find a solution to your subject difficulties. I'd say, you are the only person who knows about yourself completely. You're doing well and you will do well and come up with a solution.
@Server8462
Yo Server! I agree with you on life being exhausting (always) and difficult (at times). I wouldn't call it happy either, but there are happy moments. Maybe they're not big happy moments, but they're there. School was hard for me too. I have ADHD. I recently tried Medical Billing and Coding and didn't make it. Oh well...at least I can say I have some college under my belt. I wanted to understand it, but it just wasn't for me. All the other classes were easy except when it came to the coding classes. I did online school which is even harder because there's no one in front of you to explain everything. I hate that I failed it, but sometimes our goals just don't work out. Maybe accounting won't work out for you. Maybe it will and it's just a challenge you have to overcome. Only you can decide for yourself which one it is.
Good luck to you. I hope you feel better soon.
I just got off the phone with a crisis line. Of the conclusion they don’t know how to help anymore either. I’m officially in limbo. If I live, fine. If I don’t, fine. I don’t care anymore. I truly don’t care at all.
You don't need to feel guilty because your life is painful and you haven't found a way out yet. You are trying and that matters.
Look at the number of people here who want to try to support you.
Schools and jobs aren't life itself. You do the best you can with them. Some days you will succeed and some you will not.
Sending peace. @Server8462
I hate you all just as much as I hate being alive. I hate waking up in the morning knowing I have to live another day. Where treatment does nothing.
The state has signed off on me being treated. This is a sign that they’ve given up on me. They only did that to say they tried to help if I do actually end my life. Screw them just like everyone here.
Sorry that you feel that way. You keep coming back here though. I think what you hate the most is that we offer hope and caring. Your brain doesn't want to accept those as possibilities right now. But they always are there. Sending peace. @Server8462
At this point vase I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I want to be dead and yet I’m here. I hate this place and I keep coming back. Nothing makes sense and yet everything does and it’s all a chaotic mess that makes me feel insane.
I know. And I hurt for you.
I want to find some way to make it better, but it is such a slow process. But that hope and desire to come back here tells me that it is all still possible. @Server8462
@Server8462 When life hurls slingstones & arrows, it's easy to ask that question. The FSM knows I've had enough occasions to do so... That is not an easy question, for someone in any state of mind.
The only answer I have for you is that the answer to "why" is the one you come up with. I cannot say what the purpose of your life is because I am not living your life. No one else is living the particular life you are in, though many other people are college students in thankless ***-busting jobs.
Though I don't know the answer to your question, it sounds like in your case the purpose of life is not accounting...maybe not any job where you crunch numbers all day. Have you thought about what you want to major in or do for a living? I've heard from more than one student who was dissatisfied/depressed/resentful/etc. because his/her parents pushed him/her into a major (s)he personally would not have chosen. If that's your situation, maybe you could switch majors to something more suitable? Just a thought.