Jack knife curve that has changed my life forever

I have never had an easy life. The past 3 or 4 years I would say have been the hardest so far. Every time I thought things couldn't get worse they have.

About 3 years ago my then boyfriend (now my ex) became an alcoholic. He was hiding it from me for who knows how long, but I found some bottles one day and comforted him about it. I then thought I knew what I was doing, but in reality I didn't, since I really didn't know how bad it was. I became his Codependent and let him drink, but really did think I had it under control. One night he got a DUI and I got him out of jail. He then went though detox (which was not an easy thing, since I was the bad person and was called every name in the book and he hated me some days). After that he went to rehab. Rehab didn't work he relapsed a couple of weeks after he got out and was hiding it from me again. I moved out and broke up with him. But I loved him so much that I got back together with him a couple of days later.

That year was a rough one yet again. He was out of a job, living with his dad, still drinking and was on new meds. He was helping at his dad's work and one day there he was on a ladder and fell off. He had a concussion, but was okay. After he get his concussion things seemed to get worse. My ex ran off at one point to go kill himself. But one of my text messages or voice messages stopped him and instead he went to get help. He was there for 2 or 3 weeks. Once he came home he was a little different, a good different. He started going to the VA for meds and to get checked out.

He was a Marine and I met him a few months after he got back home. We were together for 6 years. This is when it gets worse. I finally couldn't do it anymore. We were so toxic together and fought all the time. Neither one of us were truly happy. I was more of a caregiver, than a girlfriend. I broke up with him a month before our 7 year. It was one of the hardest things I had to do, because I loved him and cared about him so much. But I had to get myself back, and I was hoping this would be more of a wake up call for him to see that he needed to stop drinking and fight his demons from the war.

This past year we tried being friends and we almost tried getting back together. But he wasn't where he needed to be for us to be together as a couple. We stopped being friends, but then he came back wanted to be friends. I kept him at a distance and was giving him tough love. On Thanksgiving is when my life took a jack knife curve. My ex took his life on Thanksgiving morning. The Sunday before he called me and left me a messaged, but on the message I could tell he was drinking. So my hard, stubborn ass didn't call him back. That night he got his second DUI and crashed his car. We were just a few weeks away from the first DUI to be off his record. I didn't know about the DUI or accident until after his death.

I'm taking a lot of blame, guilt, and regret for his death. Everyone says I shouldn't but I do, since I might have been able to stopped him from getting that second DUI and car accident if I would have just answered or called him back. I didn't save him this time, like I have saved him so many other times. I failed him, I let him down. There hasn't been a day since Thanksgiving that I haven't felt this way. I hate myself so much, because I lost the one person I loved. I was still hoping for a future with him some day. And now I will never get that, since he is gone forever and never coming back to me. I might be alive, but I'm dead inside. I act like everything is okay around others, but in reality there are some days I wish I was gone as well. A week ago I started cutting, nothing too deep but nice cuts to where they hurt and bleed. I welcome the pain and hurt, since it fits the mood I'm in.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to get everything out.