Karma owes me big time

This title sounds rather selfish, I know, but I don't care.

Karma needs to start paying up. I'm not asking for it all at once, I just want some good Karma that I'm owed to come my way, as in right now.

Today was a rather low blow.

This morning I met with a professor and I had to withdraw from his class. This has put me below full-time now. Luckily since I attempted full-time, I still have my financial aid and housing. So at least that was a relief.

Well, after going between my adviser, my professor, housing, financial aid, and registrar to turn in the form to do so, I went back to my house and thought, I'm going to start donating plasma to save money aside for my future plans. So I do that. Plasma wasn't so bad. Actually it gave me some time away, plus money.

Well, I get back to campus, have dinner, then come home. I shut myself in my room and for about an hour or so I couldn't stop crying. I had to be quiet about it since my roommates do not know about my struggles. I came on here and talk to a listener whom I've been talking to for a while now.

Before I went to dinner, I had checked the latest cast list for my theatre department, hoping that I had gotten cast after over a year of not being cast. Of course, I wasn't, again. I e-mailed my adviser about it along with other questions, updates, and thanking him for his help and understanding. He e-mails me back saying there isn't anything I can do and no one wants to take the risk of casting me since I have been missing classes due to my depression, which the faculty knows about, but not the students. So now, I feel judged, and rather unfairly. I understand why they wouldn't. But to call me undependable (not my adviser, but students in general) when they have no idea is sickening to me. If any of them took the time to know me, they would realize how dependable I am. But I don't belong to a group in that department, I'm alone. I about told my adviser to call my boss, but I didn't. There wasn't any point in that.

Well, at some point during my discussion with my listener telling them how I felt about it, in tears, they told me that I "needed to change my outlook on life". I stopped typing for a moment. Then I kind of exploded. In order for me to make any major changes, I first need to leave this town and get out. Then I can make the changes. My outlook on life is surprisingly optimistic considering what I'm going through. I went on for a little bit. They then apologized, I decided to leave them be, admitting that I am a bitch. They suggested getting another perspective, and I thought why not try it. So I did.

Now, vulnerability and I aren't friends. I'm working on it, but not much luck yet. Well, I decided to connect to a new listener to see if a new perspective would help. So I do the whole "connect now" thing and got a listener in a short period of time.

At first, this listener welcomed me and asked how I was. I said I wasn't well, and we started talking. I started by explaining I may have hurt my previous listener and I felt horrible about it, to which they replied they should be okay. Well, I end up pouring my heart out to this listener, in tears at my computer, about everything that's been happening. They then say that my degree isn't important and I shouldn't sweat on it. They told me that my issues weren't important with that statement. I stopped and read what they said again, just to confirm. I then said, "HOW FUCKING DARE YOU?!"

So what, I swore. I don't care. I'm upset and angry, even more so now. They then said "fuck you faggot" and I am "here to bully people". I didn't even get to finish what I was going to say. I didn't even get to tell everything. I was judge by some asshole with an ego because I called them out. So I reported and blocked them with comments explaining the behaivor, I don't want anyone else to go through what I did with that one.

I couldn't even cry anymore. I went into a couple group chats and talked to my regular listener again and told them. They were supportive. I'm grateful for that.

I felt like I am nothing of value to my department and people around me as it is, I didn't need that. NO ONE needs that.

Karma owes me a lot.

I've been trying to cope with all of this and deal with it in a healthy way. I'm fighting this by myself. I can't tell friends or family.

Karma needs to be sending me good things right now.

I'm impatient now.

I'm angry about it.

Now, I'm being selfish.

I'VE BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH KARMA, I DON'T DESERVE THIS! YOU OWE ME!

I've had enough of all this. I'm scared and afraid. I don't have many things to hold on to or hope for. The things I do have, I'm fighting so hard just to keep.

Karma, start paying me back, despite everything I've been through I've done nothing but good for those around me as best as I can.

Please, just start, it doesn't have to be all at once. Please.

Karma, I need your help.

Please stop punishing me, I don't know what I have done wrong. I don't understand. What have I done?

Please, I need the good now.

Please.

I'm sorry for the long post. If you've read this far, thank you. I appreciate it.