Letting it all out

I am Elle. I am nineteen years old and i've been dealing with depression since I was twelve. I can say that depression is that cloud that come and goes in my life, and i need to deal with the cloud and don't let it crush me. I need to think constantly if i am not being toxic with my dearest ones just because i feel this way. I almost never let anyone know that i am having a depressive episode and i have some thoughts that scares me a lot to. But i wake up everyday, i go to work, i have lunch, go to the gym, study, sleep and repeat. And repeat. And repeat. And i hate my job, and i think i don't like the degree i chose. Also, i don't tell anyone about this, is my dirty secret. That i have bad thoughts, that i don't know how to survive tomorrow. But i do. Every single day. And that's no merit in doing it alone, i wish i wasn't alone. But i learned that i can't count on people, that i am the only one who will still be here tomorrow. I've been always needing help from my dearest ones, but i am a liar to all of them about how i really feel, so...tomorrow, we'll repeat.