Life After Deciding Not to Die *trigger warning*

If you have a friend or loved one whos contemplated or attempted ending their life, its gotta be the scariest feeling in the world. The constantly wondering if theyre okay leads to wondering if theyll ever be okay, whether theyre capable of being okay or broken beyond repair. I mean, can someone who has to convince themself every few minutes that they actually want to be alive ever be happy? If you convince them to stay, could it ever benefit them and not just everyone else? Could they ever see it that way? Can someone who experiences that kind of pain on a daily basis ever be anything but a victim? Can someone who is so confident they want something that badly ever truly change their mind?

The answer is yes. Take it from someone whos been there. I never thought someone could change their minds this much until I experienced it. There was a part of me that knew I deserved better but didnt think I could have it and a part of me that knew I could have it but didnt think I deserved it. As those two perspectives struggled for dominance, only one thing remained certain to me: for one reason or another, I had no place here.

Yes, I have a mental illness, yes, Ive struggled with it my entire life, and yes, Im genetically predisposed to it, but those thoughts still came from somewhere. I experienced life like everyone else, just in the wrong order. I experienced too much pain and injustice before love, too many lies before truth, and too many unanswered prayers before realizing there were far bigger things to pray for. Sure, some of us are built in a way that makes me more likely to end up trapped in that mentality, but its definitely not the only place we can end up or where we belong.

You cant expect to change someones worldview overnight, but you can plant seeds of hope in their mind. Some grow roots instantly and some just hold them over in apathetic misery until they find others that do. Most pile up like drops of water in a dried up ocean bed, seeming insignificant at first, but slowly filling a void of perspectives and experiences.

Everyones puzzle of life comes together differently: some like a neat maze with visible gaps to fill and others with islands so spread out they each claim to tell a complete story. Pain hurts a million times more when the bridge to pleasure hasnt been built, or worse, hasnt even been mapped out. Love can fill voids and wounds can heal with time. No one is broken, just unfinished like the rest of us. Everyone deserves and can benefit from a chance to see the rest of their puzzle fall into place. Showing them, in any way possible, that it exists can do wonders. That first drop in the ocean summons more to condense with it.

What next? The first step is finding a reason not to end it right now. The next step if finding a reason not to end it anytime, anything from a profound new passion to a plan B to start over in a new locale. The logical and emotional sides of our brains are often convinced separately and take time to catch up to each other. Emotional urges can pop up months or even years after thinking through and committing to a new resolution, perspective, or lifestyle, and feel-good moments often take their sweet time to start making sense.

Sure, people at this stage can get trapped on an island again, but so can the rest of us. Theres no reason they cant build puzzles as sturdy and beautiful as anyone else. While the starting point can exponentially change the difficulty of a puzzle, it doesnt change the end product. Yes, our experiences make us stronger and wiser, but they dont define us. A few dark pieces dont dictate the color scheme of the puzzle. They make the colors pop. We all have them. Who cares which pieces got there first?