Loneliness - Just different from other people, need to find a better fit.
I don't know if it counts as "depression" but I'm so lonely it's making me physically sick.
I have never had any friends. Right now, I have no personal contacts. If I died, no one would notice. I'm not exaggerating. There is not a single living person who I've spoken to more than a few times. Every single person in the world is a stranger to me.
I've had abusive friendships in the past, and all the online quotes and hashtags told me that as soon as I stop going back to those "toxic" people, I'll be able to find more "like-minded" people, but that hasn't happened yet.
At least now I know not to waste my time with really harmful people. People who pressure me to smoke or do drugs, or people who make me sit there while they brag, loudly, in public, about how much they stole from someone and how that person deserved it.
But then like... when I do manage to find some people who seem "nice", like... I have nothing in common with them. Anything that I can say -- literally anything that I know enough about to comment on in any way -- is so irrelevant to them that it would just bore them. I know because I've tried. And like... I'm willing to be with someone I have nothing in common with, if they're willing to spend time with me, but why would they? They have tons of people who they do have something in common with.
To which the response is, "So why don't you look online for a group of people who talk about what you like?"... like, that's the thing, I have. That's where I met the first few groups of abusive people. When I was in high school, I used to go to a lot of anime and fantasy conventions, I tried to cosplay, etc., and that's where I met all these really awful people... writing is still my main interest, and I want to be a professional writer... I have a lot of novels that I'm working on (when I'm not too depressed to focus). The problem is that these groups are always full of such rude and negative people. e.g. writing meetups are full of people who want to write violent, dystopian things, but I'm writing philosophical and romantic things without violence. I shared my work, and they just looked at me like I'm stupid, and said, "Uhhh... interesting..." then went to the next person. All the actual discussion they did was about the violent parts of the things they were writing, and how to show how bleak and angry and viscious the characters were... that's not my thing.
Fandoms? The English-language fandom for the one series I really like is really small... and they tend to not like the sorts of things I want to write (sex-positive, polyamorous, complex fantasy stories). I posted one thing, and the only comment I got was "wtf did I just read?"
I live in Japan and I'm trying to learn Japanese, I understand it enough to read books and watch things in Japanese with no translations or anything, I'm just nervous about trying to talk to people...
I also have a lot of views/beliefs that are different from other people's... like, I'm as different from the majority in 2021, as the majority in 2021 is from the majority in 1821. In 200 years, my views will be acceptable, but I'll be dead by then. Basically, I believe in being an individual, and I don't believe in labels. I believe in breaking down all the walls and boundaries that exist in societies, and letting people express themselves and connect freely... I feel like 90% of people who would read this would think they agree, but they would still have some belief, some concept they hold as important, that I consider a "wall" or "boundary" and think it should be gotten rid of, and that they would be shocked and offended when they realize I feel that way. For instance, I think that in a better society, there would be no families and all adults would be equally the parents of all children. I feel like this is the best way to prevent insularity and social classes, and I've known so many people, including myself, who needed help when they were kids that their parents and families couldn't give them, but other adults were practically legally forbidden from helping them. But since a lot of people have read dystopian novels where society forces people to have babies and then takes the babies away and the birth parents are left crying, and then then children are brought up in some indoctrinated limited system, they assume that I mean something like that, and they get shocked and offended and call me a horrible person. That's actually not what I mean at all. In the system I imagine, all children would be allowed to read and explore everything. Birth parents -- birth mothers, at least, they wouldn't have a concept of birth fathers and it would be considered a violation of the birth mother's human rights to try to figure out whose sperm it was -- aren't ever forbidden from seeing their children -- basically, anyone can go wherever they want, whenever they want, with whoever they want in the society I imagine -- but they just can't force the children to love them more than other adults, or to live alone in a separate house with them. They can't restrict what children read, they can't indoctrinate the children in one religion. All children move between continents before they're 10 years old, so that they can experience more of the world -- everyone, everywhere, in this world, is a global nomad -- and birth parents can go with them if they want, but they're not expected to. Children form bond with whatever adults they happen to like, they're not bound to this or that relationship.
I've already taken way too much time explaining this situation from my novels, preempting the objections someone might have, but do you see how that was necessary? Do you see how virtually *anything* about me is going to upset other people, unless I take pages and pages to explain myself, and even then?
"So then don't explain yourself, keep your views to yourself," -- first of all, I don't think that's a healthy way to live, and second, just... the kind of fear that comes up in me when there's something about parents and children, for instance, that I'm supposed to think is heartwarming, but I don't, because I just see that these people are being made to adhere to a system I think is damaging...
Like... *I'm* not going to attack *you* for not holding my views, because *obviously, I'm very well aware that you don't hold my views*.
I'm just worried that *you'll* attack *me* for not holding *your* views.
And like... Finding someone who will *accept me, despite* what I think... is hard enough...
Finding someone who will *accept me for what I am*... is even harder....
Finding someone who will *love me for what I am*... is probably impossible in the world I'm in.
I mean... When I think of being around other people, I just feel the memory of the hate and scorn that people have shown towards me in the past...
The thought that I deserve love just like anyone else... I feel like if I say that out loud, I'll just get smacked down.
I'm used to being smacked down whenever I open my mouth, by so many different people in so many different places.
I mean... part of what makes the sorts of worlds I want to write, worlds with no labels and no boundaries, so meaningful to me, is that anyone can love anyone... there is no such thing as forbidden love in those worlds. The concept of forbidding love... just wouldn't occur to them. They don't have groups with walls so strong that they don't permit insiders to love outsiders. And because love isn't forbidden or limited, it's not embarrassing. No one has to hide their love because there are no consequences for revealing it.
I mean, this is long enough already... my point is, I'm trying to heal... I'm trying to write healing things.... but it's like... to heal your cancer, first you have to stop smoking. I feel like the world, humanity, at the moment, is like a smoker who just found out they have cancer -- or has thought so but denied it for a while now -- and group identities and labels and borders and nationalism are the cigarettes they can't get rid of. I mean, 100 years ago people actually did think cigarettes were good for you. So the analogy holds.
But I'm not trying to have a debate about this. I'm just trying to say, you see how my views leave me in a place that it's hard for other people to accept?
Add to that the fact that I don't talk like other people (as you can see), I don't dress like other people, I don't have the same habits as other people -- I really don't know what other people's habits are, even, but I've had so many times where someone would just be like, "Oh yeah, X then Y, Z, right?" and I'll have no idea what they're talking about, but it's clearly something they think *everyone* knows...
I don't know. I'm just different, and it's pretty much impossible for me to find someone who can accept me, much less love me.
I feel like if I complete my novels and post them, I might be able to find someone that way, but most of the time, I'm too depressed to focus on them. That, and I have to find a job, too. Hopefully translating some kind of fiction, but...
Sorry this is so long.
That's a lot of text - and that's coming from me, I usually write up long-winded posts. Anyways I'll just drop in to say a few things. Firstly, you are not boring because you're different. Difficult to understand, sure. Your viewpoint is a lot to take in all at once. If you simplified it and shared it in pieces it would be easier to consume. Say, let's start with no labels. A lot of people or atleast myself would agree with that. Maybe introduce each element gradually or atleast focus on them individually while people are working it out for themselves how things work in your world. To add to that I just wanted to say you don't have to have everything in common with someone to find them interesting. Secondly, when you stopped going to those toxic people that's a start. But you need to work on yourself and go on your own journey and try new things and *then* your world will open up to all new kinds of people. Those nice people, or amazing people, yeah they're everywhere. You just don't notice them or you aren't looking at them. You see through them. Once you meet someone amazing and irreplaceable it really opens your eyes to just how many people like that there are all over. Or something more like the beauty of the world. For me I lost that person, they were my best friend and they helped me to get over my self-hatred issues which is just me going off on a tangent. But I started noticing the quality of people I met even after those painful times was increasing. I started meeting a bunch of irreplaceable people that helped me to grow in so many ways and have so many unique experiences. Thirdly, it might sound cheap after what I said but I don't think you should be scared or sick of being alone. All of your experiences are valuable and makes you unique for having them. It's where you get your strength. You aren't such bad company that you need to feel that way about yourself. Look after yourself properly. I don't actually have that many friends and I spent most of my life without a single one. Yeah, it's lonely. Having friends can also be lonely. Having a lover can also be lonely. You are going to have to learn to deal with that feeling and cope with that feeling because I don't think it ever truly disappears. But you aren't alone. It's just a feeling. Like love or happiness or sadness can come and go, so too with loneliness. We're here for you atleast, and there's people waiting to find you, somewhere. Just maybe go easy on them with the whole explosive personality "this is everything that I am all at once," maybe.. As for your novels, I'd suggest starting smaller. Creating a whole new world going into intricate detail about every little aspect is a bit too much for your first published series, imo. You need to get an audience and I don't think it's easy for novelists to get their initial works accepted or noticed in the first place but you're really making the work cut out for you choosing such a contrasted viewpoint of the world. If you wanted that to be your masterpiece you should let that come later. I don't doubt the experience is useful but you should pick a few things from that world which are more popular ideas and use that for a theme of a fictional world with more relatable rules and characters. Or make it easier to digest in some other way. But back to you. Being scared of being alone isn't a good thing. There are people who will use that and put you in terrible situations and hurt and scar you badly. If you want to meet people I suggest you search and form groups in slightly less niche hobbies. Maybe they're too boring or different for you - but the experience is worth something atleast.