Lost and blue due to unsolved addiction and unfinished business.
Hello. I have recently admitted that I have an addiction that I fear cannot be easily solved, as my job is to cater this very addiction: I am a software developer specialised in making online games, which I am addicted to (the products, not the job)). I sit in front of the computer 15-18 hours a day, despite living with my fiance, and try to spend as much time as possible alone, licking my wounds, but doing nothing about them.
Every day bleeds into the next, dismissing real responsibilities in favor of idling (youtube, social media, etc). No interest in social life or exercise. Absolute lack of focus to study new materials for the work I loved, or to search for another career path. Not suicidal, but ranging from anxiety attacks to crippling depression. Lack of serious job gives a very unstable economy (red bank account) and I'm stuck in this shithole apartment (wen't from a 80m2 to this 28m2). Would love to change career, but at the age of 30-something, I feel it's illogical, considering all I've done until now is dealing with computers.
Up until last week I was trying to get in touch with my kid, product of a past relationship that I wasn't aware for quite some time, but his mother decided that I am no longer a good presence for him (she is tremendously toxic and erratic, and living in a country where every law defends the mother, no matter what), so she cut off all contact. Another closed door and "unfinished business".
Tried asking for help to my close ones, but I reject their way of helping as they contradict what I feel would help (socialise, etc). High-functional autism with some non-professionally-diagnosed sociopathy. Not violent, but with common anger spikes (I get mad for no reason, by creating fictional scenarios in my head. Possible paranoia as well?).
Tried meditation, colouring, DIY (woodworking), and some light supplements (Theanine, Caffeine, Omega3). Every time I force myself to socialise, I end up drained and worse than before.
Help?
@EuropeanWanderer
hey there. it's really impressive that you took the first step in getting better -- sharing is never easy, but i'm glad you had the courage and bravery to do so. this addiction seems really tough, but you've been getting through every day regardless, so well done on that! here's a link i found that may help -- it can be viewed here.
i once read about this experiment where rats were isolated and given a bottle of water and drugs; the rat went for the drugs, because it was alone. after that, another experiment was held -- in this experiment, there was a "rat park" -- lots of attractions for the rats, and many new friends to play with. this time, they went for the water. perhaps this shows that addiction is caused by isolation? maybe you could spend some more time with people around you, or people on 7cups? rnot being in your position myself, i'm afraid i can't provide advice as i wouldn't understand you as well as you do, so i wish you all the best!