Messed up and now even more..

Hello. My name's Nicole, I'm 14 and I'm going to tell you why my life sucks. Useless say that I'm depressed for almost one year, even if I started to lose happiness in the late 2019, so let's get right into the point of the argument. This summer (2021) was very messed up. It was still June and I was at the last year in the Middle School (the third year), and in my country when you arrive at the last year, usually there's a very important oral exam where you explain to your teachers, in an exact day, your thesis. They give you an argument based on what arguments you liked during the year, and they give an argument as I said for then make your own thesis. The exams started in mid-June and I was very stressed about this exam, I was so fucking sad nearly every day and when that day arrived I was freaking out and then I did it. So this was one of the things that gave me a lot of pressure this summer, and also because I had many queries before June. Anyway, there was something that made me even more stressed that day. Not only the fact that I had to study a lot every single day until 22th June, but also the fact that I found out that my father was dating a woman that he met at his job. It all started one day in May, when I was scrolling down through my dad's Wha ts App (yes because my mom and I used to spy his what s ap p every day since his mother is a b*tch and probably she's between witchcraft and ect and because he lies a lot and hides many things from us). I was in the room all alone, and on my mom's laptop, on my father's What s app as I said, and I saw that this lady that started working there ,where he used to work , was talking to him and when I clicked the chat my eyes started burning and at the same time I was surprised with what I saw. My father was flirting with this beatch... I could not believe that.. it was so unleal and unreal, so I called my mom and I showed her the whole situation. I took pictures of it, made videos of it, because we were starting to think about reporting this conversation between him and this woman. It was May 9th 2021.. and always in that day my mom lost her mind as well and my mom and dad started to argue. Of course my mom did not said that she and I saw the conversation on our laptop, because at that point he would of know that we were spying him over the laptop so she only said that I took his phone while he was having a shower and I saw the chat. I was so scared, I started shaking because the things were going from this to this 🔴 (if you know what I mean, if you don't, that was supposed to mean that things were getting worse..) and after that day my life and both of our lives changed. We (my mom and I) stopped talking to dad for a very long time. There was a lot of stress and fights, that sometimes I was losing control and I was getting hysterical attacks. I couldn't control my feelings and I was crying every night because of all the stress and because of the anger that I had inside of me. And we also had a death in the family. My aunt's husband died because of Covid 19 and mostly because he had a stroke. My dad didn't even care about that snd he pretended to be sorry for his death, and one day my own father said "yeah, always crying" because my mom was crying a lot over those days, and also my aunt and my cousins. So in a few words, he ruined my and my mom's summer and one more detail. After 20 years he started to smoke again, after that she met this woman. The worst? He knows very well.... THAT MY MOM AND I ARE ALLERGIC TO SMOKE. Sometimes he says that he goes directly to work, but since he installed a GPS on his phone, at least we can see where he goes because we're suspecting that he is going out with this beatch. So, one day, actually..more than one day he stopped in a bar when he was coming home he was smelling like cigarettes smoke. Why? BECAUSE HE WAS BUYING CIGARETTES. At first when I started to suspect that he was smoking, he started to accuse the neighborhoods (because they smoke a lot) and sometimes even me, he was calling me a liar and that there was no smell of smoke. At the end he admitted that he started to smoke again, after I don't know how many months, but what we know is that he probably is smoking cigarettes (the original one and another one that is made with weird plants) with this woman. I only ask to myself my life is so disgusting, so...weird..so annoying....so sad. I'm also, I didn't even want to say it, but I'm also suicidal.. I know, this sounds stupid af because after all I'm only a 14 year old (15 in February) and I think about stuff that I am not going to say because probably you know what I'm talking about. Sometimes I feel like guilty somewhat, or stupid, or dumb, like if it was better off dead or hurting myself, because I do really hate myself. When I draw in my free time, I usually draw what's going on inside my mind and what I think, and what I've been drawing was pictures of a girl (me) trying to kill herself or try to look dark, gothic, and depressed. I don't know why I have this thoughts, but I have many reasons of why I hate myself. First, I don't like suffering from depression, strong anxiety and other anxiety disorders, like social anxiety, OCD (and it increased a lot in this month since I got back to school), paranoia, stress, insomnia, possible PTSD, sometimes I even imagine me punching really bad that disgusting lady and acting like a psychopath, and my mom said that she will probably send me to a therapist, because she was the only one who really cared for me, who supported me in hard times, who did everything and tries always to give me the best things. sI know that all this may sound weird, but I let out all of my feelings. I hope you can understand me, and have a nice day. <3