Moving, bereavement and a breakup.

About a month ago,, I moved to the USA. I was born in London and have lived the last 18 years of my life there. Same house,, same neighborhood,, same school. We,, as a family,, always planned on moving out here,, its been my fathers dream since his brother left 35 years ago. And,, after 14 years in the works,, we finally did it. Except it isnt how I forsaw it happening.

Two years ago,, my mother passed away. It was the day after my high school prom. Cancer. She was diagnosed 14 years ago,, upon the birth of my baby brother,, and given two,, maybe three years to live. She lasted 12. She always was a fighter. It isnt something I could deal with at the time,, and it isnt something that i can deal with now. I cried at her funeral. I cried at the hospital. I cried in the shower this morning. Nothing has changed. My dad always told me that,, it was going to be okay. Different. But okay. People say this is something that takes time,, but something i will eventually get over. 2 years on,, waking up and knowing that she isnt there to tell me to brush my teeth or get ready for school breaks my heart every day. It never got easier. I dont think it ever will.

My dad remarried. And I havent taken it well. None of my family have. Weve gone from this big cohesive unit who always gelled and stuck our necks out for each other to this massive,, segmented group who just fight and argue and fall out. Were a shell of what we once were and me and my brother get caught in the middle of it every time it happens. I hate it. I hate fights and i hate picking sides and i hate watching all the people I love fall apart around me.

I met a girl though. A year ago. Met her at a party and for the first time in my life the world just stopped when i saw her. Didnt start again until I got home that night. We were talking and talking and talking all night until she kissed me under the light outside the station. I asked her out,, she became my girlfriend. In that moment,, I had no idea how much good that girl would do for me. She was supportive,, optimistic and unendingly loving of someone that was so emotionally broken that I woke up and thought every day of how amazingly lucky I had gotten. How insanely undeserving I was of someone so willing to fix wounds she had no obligation to even know about. I was happy. For the first time since I could remember. I was happy.

And then July 27th rolled around. My cousin got married in New York and it was the flight out that I wouldnt catch a return for. I had no choice really in the matter but I still remember feeling so much like I was putting her through something she did not deserve. We spent a week in New York together and come August 8th,, at JFK Airport I cried like I did two years before. She did too. I couldnt hold it together and even now thinking back to it im getting the pain in my stomach all over again. We broke up. She went back to England,, I flew to Texas.

Six days passed. I was holding up,, barely. I was busy. Distracted. But also angry. Less sad,, more angry at everything and everyone because I missed her more than I could even explain already. I went to a party that night and took that anger out as i had so many times before,, on beers and shots and ciggerettes like nothing had changed. A girl started talking to me. We talked for a bit but i was so drunk that honestly I couldnt remeber a word of what was said. Or the fact that she had kissed me. Or the fact that she then had told my still heartbroken ex about it and acted like i was in for it (trust me,, I was not).

She hasnt been the same since. I dont blame her. But I still love her. I have a photo of her and me on my wall. I still wear a stupid peice of string she gave me on the first date,, and listen to the 200 playlists she made me and look at all the photos of us and honestly I cant deal with losing her. I lost my mum to cancer. I lost my family to distance. I lost my dad to his wife and my friends to the atlantic ocean. I cant lose the one support I have left. But shes not mine anymore. And theres nothing I can do about it.

So here I am. Friendless,, aimless in a new country with all the same pain. Im spiralling. In all honesty I dont know what im going to do. Im sad all the time and cry when I shouldnt and just feel bad when everything reminds me of the life I left behind. I cant hug my mum. I cant hug the girl I still love. I cant go out and forget about anything. I cant do it. Im going no where. I dont know what to do. I feel like there is nothing I can do. Would like that hug though :(