My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
I dreamt that I’d been having the holidays with family and that I’d gotten someone a new cat, but it arrived in a package that I’d lost after it came in the house and I was freaking out because I couldn’t find the box. I’d found that my mom destroyed the box and the cat was most likely dead from no food or water too.
Then I checked my mailbox and found two kittens sleeping inside it! I’d picked them up and held them, then showed them to my neighbor. I didn’t know how two got in there so I was thinking of offering one of them to him but I woke up.
I made that steak last night. It was a boneless short rib, and it came out a little rarer than I liked. I’d turned away from the pan for a second and smelled smoke. The little pan holder that I slip on to move the pan had caught fire because of the heat. I’d slipped it off and doused it with water.
I put away the two other pieces of short rib in the Tupperware I washed, soaked the pan holder again, and before bed I’d had to check multiple times that the stove was off, the windows closed, and the pan holder was still soaked and couldn’t suddenly catch fire while I was sleeping.
Im so tired that I’m just going to refill my water and lay back down with the heat on, but first I have to brush my teeth.
Well I guess now you have more of a reason to eat clean until the end of the month to prevent the heart burn. That will help it become more of a pattern.
Glad to see that you weren't dealing with any fire damage or fire prep today.
When my kids were little, I didn't have ice packs when they fell and hurt themselves but I usually had frozen peas. I would give them a few to eat and then use the bag as an ice pack for a minute or two. It worked like a charm. The frozen cauliflower sounds great. It is amazing all of the things they can do with cauliflower now. There are even pizzas that have cauliflower as the crust. They aren't too bad. I had some pea soup for dinner.
The worst I’ve dealt with in regards to the fires is the air quality and some dust or grit that started appearing outside when the fires first started. The fires haven’t reached my city, and the fire closest to my mom is veering east for now. The winds aren’t good.
You’re right about the clean eating. I’ve got plenty of frozen meat and frozen vegetables, have some soup left over from my wisdom teeth shopping trip and plenty of sugar free jello and pudding. I got some frozen sliced bell peppers to add to some omelettes this week too.
I need to wash at least my bedding and an outfit for gaming group on Thursday. I’ve been having such a hard time that I’ve kept pushing it off.
My dumb period started with a vengeance this morning so I’ve been mostly laid up with a heating pad.
Well that is a nice straightforward goal - getting some wash done. You can handle that.
I am impressed that even though you are having a hard time that you are still working on the eating healthy. Keep that up. I had some of the cooked purple cabbage with apples that I made last week for dinner tonight. Lots of leftovers to work through.
I am glad to hear that the fires continue to not be too close. I know how bad they are.
I am afraid that I am going to have to miss being on 7 Cups for the next two nights (16th and 17th). I am going to my first hockey match (I hate crowds and noise so we will see how it goes) tomorrow and then a concert the night after that. I am not big into so many events together, but we will make it work. @integrityblues
I’ll admit that my eating isn’t great all the time, but I’m working harder to control portions and set goals to eat more vegetables and protein, drink more water, and get 30 mins of exercise a day.
It’s okay, just try to have fun watching hockey and going to a concert. I don’t really like crowds either, so I understand.
I’m hoping that tomorrow’s gamer group isn’t going to be so bad.
Ok! I am back.
I hope that you enjoyed the gamer's group and have had a restful few days. Focus on the fact that you are better with the eating. You don't have to imagine being perfect. Every better meal counts. Tonight I made bean soup with ham. It turned out pretty good, but we will probably be eating soup for a month. At least it will be somewhat healthy and it is warm for the cold weather.
The hockey game and the concert went okay. They were both pretty enjoyable, if late. I don't think I will want to go to a hockey game again, but the concert was at a nice small venue so we enjoyed it. The poor guitarist had a horrible cold and kept having to stop to blow his nose. (We were very far away so I wasn't worried about germs). But he soldiered onwards through the show and really sounded good.
@integrityblues
Hey. My gamers group started okay but then a 60 year old there decided to explain to me in detail all her mental issues that stemmed from being raped by her stepdad. I was so uncomfortable with her continuing to say it but had no idea how to navigate away from it without insulting her.
I’m not trying for perfection really with the food. I stop eating when I’m not hungry and drink plenty of water.
I’m glad that the hockey game and concert were okay.
Overdid it yesterday and am still super sore. I’ve been resting all day and reading.
You made it to the gamers group. That's a victory. Sometimes people will say awkward things. Listening without comment is just fine. Even just a "sorry that happened to you" is great too. People love knowing that they have been heard. We all have our issues and sometimes when you just listen with that level of being superficial (but caring) its enough for both of you. If she comes back at your multiple times, then perhaps we can come up with another solution.
Good that your eating is going well. Have you made anything healthy and interesting lately? I made a great salad tonight for dinner that had farro (a grain a little like rice but tastes nuttier and is healthier), some sunflower seeds and almonds, dried cranberries, Greek yogurt and pomegranate seeds. Every one really liked it. It wasn't that hard either because there wasn't lots of chopping like with an normal salad.
I hope some rest is helpful so that you are less sore tomorrow. But I am glad that you are trying to do a little exercise too. @integrityblues
I visited my mom earlier and just got home.
My younger sister was arrested a couple days ago for throwing pieces of a broken plate (one of our mom’s) at passing cars while yelling.
My mom’s phone has been broken and she’s glad it’s broken because she believes that the card her SSDI benefits are deposited to was hacked through that phone and made it so she lost $300 dollars. She’s been without cigarettes for a bit and she can’t do her laundry either. Before getting taken away that day my sister had taken one of the new blankets my aunt had given them and submerged it in a bucket of water, brought it back in the house, and then got water everywhere that my mom couldn’t clean up completely. While I was there I mopped up the spills I could see, but she didn’t want my help to get her food or to call her customer service for her card to see what the charge was, or to reach the phone company for her old phone and see if we could cancel the account to stop further payments being taken for the phone.
She’s set to just accept all of these bad things without trying to make anything better. She’s probably going to let my sister come back if she’s released from jail.
I am so sorry for the chaos. I thought that you weren't going to be back in touch with your mom until February 1. It takes you a while to recover each time that you are there or even talk to her on the phone. At least your mom gets a few days of peace. Maybe she will start thinking a bit more clearly with your sister gone for a bit. You can only do what your mom lets you do. It isn't everything, but it is something.
Have you ever considered requesting that someone from elderly abuse services visit with your mom? She might be able to get some protection (for the financial stuff and your sister) so that she doesn't deal with so much stress. I know that this is probably a long shot, but such services exist. Your mom might agree to let them come in the door to talk at least if she didn't know that they were coming. You also might be able to explain to them what is happening and get their advice on how to protect your mom. @integrityblues
I know I said I wasn’t going there but I’ve been so worried about the fires. So I went there too late in the day yesterday to do anything to help her.
I went again today because she’s got my sister’s dog but has no leash. I took her my only long extension cord, clipped off the plug and when I surprised her around 9:50 a.m. I showed her how to pull the cord between the two links on the back of his harness where a normal leash would be clipped, and how to hold the end and wrap it around her fist so her hold is good. It’s temporary and the best I can offer considering I kept myself up last night worrying over the dog running into traffic and forced myself out of bed to prepare to leave.
I was so mad yesterday because she’s just going to let everything happen. I had to at least figure out why she’d lost 300 bucks, that could have helped her a lot these last two weeks with food and laundry.
I did some snooping through her card’s purchases and discussed each purchase for this month until we reached the 300 dollar one and another for 140-160. Each were done at an ATM and my mom doesn’t recognize either of them…my younger sister got her to change the pin again to something “easier to remember” and I think she stole from her.
If it isn’t that, then my mom who is getting more and more confused and forgetful, doesn’t remember a bill she payed with cash. I only thought of that on the bus ride home and it’s not like I can call her and ask if either of those could have been related to my sister’s ex-boyfriend and the bail she’s on the hook for! I’m not going back, I’ve done all I can and I’m just so tired bestVase.
So I also changed my mom’s PIN number too in case my mom lets my sister back in and she swipes it. I told her to hide it somewhere my sister won’t find it.
My mom’s new phone is shattered and useless. Her other one is in the trash, so once I learned that the money taken from her account wasn’t from the phone company I called them up on speaker phone to discuss what we could do about the bill since she’s broke and the phone is broken. Sadly the only thing that could be done was to temporarily cancel the service on the phone. She still has to pay off the phone since she’s got 19 payments of 5.50-5.56 a month. I switched the email attached to the account because my mom no longer remembers her own email password and it’s not written anywhere- I switched it to mine so I could keep up with the notifications. When it gets to the end of the the three months my mom will have the option to temporarily cancel the service again, but I’m hoping that she can finish paying off the phone then cancel the mobile service. She’s probably going to lose the WiFi since she has nothing to pay for it, so I warned her that she might not be able to do the streaming tv, and while that sucks a lot she could occupy herself and the dog until she could pay the bills again when her SSDI hits at the beginning of February.
I’m going to have to call the number my therapist gave me. I’ve done all I can, and running to her side isn’t very good. I only did what I did today because I was getting scared over the dog and my mom.
Tomorrow I’m staying in bed a bit longer then I’ll get up to begin getting my house in order and start job searching.
Sending lots of hugs. You really are do wonderful things for your mom. You have done the best that you can. Do call to get that outside support. The fires may have had a good side effect in that in had you go see your mom early. It was massively stressful for you, but you may have just saved her in some way.
My guess is that it is more the stress of your sister causing your mom to become very forgetful rather than her necessarily becoming permanently that way. My mother goes through moments like this too when stress becomes overwhelming.
Now take some time for you. You deserve a day or so to get yourself back together. @integrityblues
I spoke with my best friend today and as I was going over my feelings about everything happening we discussed the Serenity Prayer from AA- neither of us are alcoholics or especially religious but she described how the prayer had a lot of good advice for this type of situation: to have the serenity to accept what you can’t change, the courage to change the things that you can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
I have a huge problem just allowing bad things to happen to my mom. I swoop in and take responsibilities that aren’t mine, take on problems that my mom doesn’t really want help fixing so she can wallow in what she feels she deserves, and then I look around at my aunts or older sister and expect them to give me a hand or care as much as I do when they’ve made it clear that while they’re sympathetic it’s still something they’re not interested in taking on because of their own responsibilities and lives.
I want to give my mom the care I should have gotten from her when I was a kid, but not in a vindictive way as if I’m rubbing her face in it. I want her to be safe and warm, and well fed and protected as she’s getting older but I think the only way I can try to do that now is to step back and call the number I was given by my therapist.
I rested for most of the day, made tuna sandwiches for lunch, and read until the mail carrier came by and I received my travel funds check. I deposited it and went to my pharmacy to pick up some prescriptions I’ve been holding off getting because I didn’t have $3.20 for the copay. I also got Taco Bell for dinner.
With what’s left I’ll get the new extension cord, leave enough money for February’s Netflix payment, and put enough money on my Starbucks card to get one fancy drink for tomorrow’s job development meeting. I’ll have maybe $15 bucks left that I can save for laundry.
All of this message shows how far you have come! Go you! I totally get your desire to treat your mom better than you were treated and to try to help. That is how I would react too. But that AA serenity prayer can be really helpful. There are lots of good support groups (non religious ones) for those who have relatives facing addictions and the trauma it causes in families. Maybe if the games group ends up not being your thing or you want to add in something else, searching out one of those kinds of groups might be helpful as well. (I have also always thought a library reading group would be something you would enjoy - just talking over a book with less people's hands on game pieces).
You did a good job with the food and with planning out your funding for the next few weeks. Good luck with the job meeting. You are moving forward step by step.
I think that I mentioned this, but my son who is living with us until May decided at the beginning of the year that we were going to try to eat "around the world" by eating from as many different countries as we could. It has been a little bizarre but good overall especially since he is vegetarian. Tonight we ate from Sweden with some vegetarian meatballs and potato/broccoli patties from IKEA. They were tasty. @integrityblues
Eating around the world is a great way to explore culture and try new things.
My budgeting backfired as everything exploded today. I ended up eating most of my feelings after that Zoom meeting, then couldn’t get out of at least trying to get the stuff needed for my clothes vouchers.
A library reading group wouldn’t be so bad, I think. I just have to see if one is being held at my local library.
I don’t feel great, but tomorrow morning I’ll haul the trash cans, take a hot shower, then eventually leave for gamer’s group.
It is okay. We all have days where we get off track. We just get back up and try again. It sounds like you are going to do that.
I am sorry that your meeting went poorly. It isn't surprising because you had an emotional week otherwise and sometimes those moments just cascade and you need to treat yourself. No need for guilt there.
I am glad you are doing the gaming group tonight. I hope that goes better for you. @integrityblues
I got a message on Indeed last night from a recruiter about a job I applied for in November. They wanted to know if I could interview on Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. I slept on it and had a dream about preparing for that job interview, so when I woke up this morning I forgot that I’d had the offer for real and only realized when I checked my email again. So as I was preparing for my Zoom I tried on my old dress pants that still don’t fit and looked at the collared shirts that haven’t fit in years, then looked online to see if I could at least afford a new shirt. I couldn’t and then looked at Goodwill stores online until I had to go fetch my coffee.
I got a tall Pistachio Coffee Frappuccino.
My Zoom was extremely stressful. She hadn’t sent me the leads we briefly discussed on Friday and when I told her that I’d gotten the offer for an interview but still hadn’t heard back about the interview clothes I’ve requested several times I sort of snapped at her. I asked her what I should do since I haven’t replied yet and didn’t want to go to another appointment wearing my casual street clothes, and she said she never knew that I went in street clothes and I told her yeah, I did! She began explaining that I shouldn’t even be applying for work if I don’t have interview clothes and I broke a bit and groaned that a year ago when we started I could still sort of fit in my old outfit but that I wasn’t able to last time and couldn’t now that I’m just too fat, and yeah I’ve been asking for the clothes!
I was so mad that I teared up and had to hold myself as my developer finally called my counselor when she couldn’t find any evidence that she sent the emails to the counselor, saying I should have just emailed her too but I couldn’t even tell her that I was holding onto the fact that she’d said she’d do it, so why would I have had to second guess her? Obviously I’ll have to take this as a bitter lesson that if I want something done I’ll have to do it myself even if someone promises they’ll get it done.
I waited all afternoon for the voucher my counselor said could arrive today or tomorrow. It was sent today via email, I printed it out, and it’s for my nearby Ross. I panicked to myself afterwards because I wanted to take measurements to get a better idea of what sizes to buy, and briefly chatted with my friend over the stress of it all and how awful the Zoom was. The silver lining is supposed to be the clothing voucher that will let me get 2 dress shirts, one pair of dress pants, a blazer, and a pair of dress shoes.
Then I left to slowly walk to Ross since I was already exhausted. I was disappointed to see that the selection wasn’t great at the end of the day; most of the women’s shoes had heels too high for me to safely wear or were sneakers or sandals so I looked at men’s shoes instead, I saw no blazers, finally found dress shirts that might work, and what I could pass as dress pants if no one looks too closely.
After walking around there and carefully reviewing my options I didn’t get anything yet. My legs were so very sore and when I checked my step counter I’d made it past 10,000 steps. I’d also tweaked my neck and hurt my lower back.
I’m going to go back to Ross tomorrow after gamer’s group. Maybe I’ll even leave earlier so I can get a better look at my options.
Oops. Sorry that I didn't see this until after I had answered the other one. Yes, that does sound stressful, but you are going to be able to pull together an outfit slowly but surely. I know that you need it sooner, but miscommunication happens.
Take a deep breath and just try again. And good job getting so many steps. You are going to find something. You are getting closer by actively having some new clothes to work with. @integrityblues
It’s okay. I try to put a new response near the end of the day and sometimes we miss each other. I did it again today!
I’m so tired. My legs are so sore but I managed to haul trash cans, take a shower, and went to gamers group. I left early so I could go home and rest then head out again to pick up my interview clothes.
There weren’t any jackets for an interview, so I just got the shirts, the pants, and the shoes.
If I hear back from my contact I could have an interview tomorrow or maybe will be offered one for another day next week.
I have another Zoom with my job developer tomorrow and trash day. I’m hoping to get to the store and use my last 2 dollars of food stamps to get something reduced for quick sale from the bakery.
You accomplished a lot even though you were tired. Go you!
I am so glad that you found some solid interview clothes. Jackets definitely aren't required. You do need to have shoes on your feet and pants and a top of some kind are good so you aren't naked, but everyone actually dresses pretty differently for interviews now. I bet you chose some good stuff.
I hope that you get some news on the interview/job development front soon.
How is the eating plan going? Still trying to chose some healthy options? I did the leftover bean and ham soup again tonight. We do have lots of leftovers I guess. The soup was nice with a few crackers. @integrityblues
Thanks. The clothes and shoes are okay, I had the option to get a jacket listed on my voucher, and I was told that I if I found a jacket online I could show my counselor and they might get it for me and have it shipped.
I sent another message to my contact asking about the interview and if she could tell me when the next date and time would be since we’d have to reschedule. Heard nothing yet.
I had my Zoom call and it was very short. My job developer will be going to a job fair so there’s a chance she’s going to get more leads.
The eating plan is okay. I had some tuna and crackers for dinner.
I bet that the shoes and clothes are more than okay. Part of depression is not trusting that you can look good. You can and will continue to do so.
Great job contacting the interested job person again in a follow up. It sounds like you had what you needed in doing a short job meeting rather than a longer one.
Tuna and crackers are good. I definitely didn't do all that well with my diet today when I had a biscuit, potato pancake, bacon and egg combo at a restaurant for lunch with my mom. But I really only had water for dinner so that makes up for it a bit I think. The biscuit was just excellent. Sometimes those things are worth it as long as they aren't too often. I walked today too. How have you been doing on the exercise front?@integrityblues
the shoes are a little too big (I had to get men’s dress shoes because all the women’s dress shoes had spangles or flowers on them) so when I have to wear them for an interview I’ll stuff some fabric in the toes to make them fit a little better. I showed my friend pictures of what I bought and she really like the navy blue dress shirt I chose for something more interesting than the simple white one.
I didn’t do much today since I haven’t been feeling great emotionally or physically, so when I did eat it was mostly tuna and crackers or peanut butter and crackers. For dinner I had a small can of pork and beans, apple sauce, and sugar free pudding.
Your lunch sounds like it was good. Potato pancakes are delicious.
I went and did my blood draw and the only problem was between prep, travel there, waiting, and heading home I was obviously going to miss my job development Zoom. I emailed her this morning before I left to give her notice and asked if we could reschedule.
When I was finally almost home I got a call from my aunt so I got back inside and had the call. It was about an hour and we just went back and forth over the mom stuff and my younger sister. I asked after my cousin’s baby and how my other cousin’s little daughter is doing.
Now I’m resting. I’ve got some ground turkey defrosting in the fridge.
Sorry I missed last night. Things got a little too chaotic.
You are absolutely right about being able to make it easier for myself if I tried harder to drink water before blood draws. I have been stuck as many as 8 times searching for blood and I always have to ask for them to butterfly me.
Glad that the draw itself wasn't too bad, that you could reschedule the job development thing and you got to talk to your aunt (even if the conversation was about your mom).
For the dry ramen salad thing, I wouldn't use more than half a packet that you break up well with your fingers. Let it rest in the dressing for maybe 15 minutes too. Then I don't think it would be too bad on your teeth. Ground turkey for dinner sounds great. We had some pasta last night with a bunch of leftovers I had (some tomatoes, celery, lemon, onion, yogurt and spices) for dinner. It was okay but I definitely overdid it on the lemon juice.
@integrityblues
That’s okay bestVase.
Hey, sometimes blood draws can be influenced by more than just water intake too. Rolling veins are my least favorite secondary reason to a bad draw.
Yes, the call with my aunt that mostly fixated on my mom wasn’t great. The worst part was that after the call now I’m thinking of when I can next help my mom and planning what to do. There’s nothing I can really do to fix anything, but the least I can do is go and walk her through how she can pay her phone off faster so she can cancel it all together. I’m not excited about running into my younger sister because she’s most likely out and at my mom’s again causing trouble. I’m probably going to go out there when I get paid and have some meds to treat my stomach and make me feel okay I travel. The damned fasting for the blood draws always messes my gut up for a bit afterwards but I think my stress isn’t making anything better.
Those are some good tips for the ramen salad. I’m eager to give it a try once I get my food stamps.
Pasta is always a good choice, and it’s cool that you added in your leftovers too.
I make turkey burgers tonight and they were okay. I could have done a better job seasoning them but a little mustard made it all okay.
I just have to get through my job development appointment tomorrow and trash day, then cross my fingers that I get my SSDI on the second like the site says.
Just because you talk to your aunt about your mom, don't let those calls make you feel guilty. You are doing enough. Your aunt could go herself more often to solve the situation. She is in a much stronger position physically than you are, I think. You aren't going to improve things horribly for your mom and you risk further sliding around yourself. Do take a break until you are physically better.
I can imagine the blood draw fasting making your stomach rougher for a few days. I am hoping that someday they reimagine blood draws without needing to fast.
Turkey burgers are awesome, but can be a little dry sometimes. Your turkey burgers reminded me of a can of leftover cranberry sauce that I need to use up soon. We will do some veggie burgers tomorrow night ourselves. I need to get rid of some older buns.
I hope that your day otherwise went okay. Reading any good books? @integrityblues
I don’t really know what to say about my aunts lack of involvement aside from the fact that they’re busy, have their own grown up kids, and don’t really want to get involved again in what’s up with my younger sister until she agrees to change and go to rehab, and they’re sympathetic to my mom but her choice to keep making her problems greater by letting my younger sister come back makes it harder for them to do anything.
My older sister cares but especially now that my mom has no phones and can’t be reached it’s out of sight out of mind plus her boundaries.
Its really upsetting for me to take these things on by myself but it’s pretty much the only way to get it done at all.
I’m taking a break now and thankfully my stomach is a bit better now. I’d still like to wait till I get an anti diarrheal so it’ll have to be after pay day on the 2nd or 3rd. If it doesn’t come on Sunday I’ll have to do it on Monday or push it till next weekend so I’ll have a better chance to catch her at home.
Veggie burgers sound good. I’m defrosting more ground turkey but I’m thinking of just adding it to some tomato basil pasta sauce to make a more hearty meat sauce, then have it over the next couple days with some whole grain penne.
My day was so exhausting. My job development Zoom was only okay. I had to go to the pharmacy with a dollar’s worth of change and what was left on my card to get my omeprazole since the acid reflux hasn’t been good at all.
I haven’t been reading as much. If I do go see my mom I’ll make sure to have an audio book ready to listen to.
But it's not all on you to do anything. You can tell your aunts that until they go and see your mom that you won't talk about your mom with them. The reason that I am pushing on this a bit is that they are more likely to have success in getting your mom to see her reality than you are. Because you are her child, she can feel like she is older and more experienced and you just don't understand having kids. She can't do that with them. They are more likely to be able to move her forward. The more you spread the burden the better you are going to feel.
I would wait until next weekend for you to go. You need to give your stomach more time to heal and you to feel better. The stronger that you are feeling the better you will be able to help her. Keep reminding yourself of that. Sorry that the job development zoom was exhausting. You are going to get there on that front. It would also be better for you to wait a week on your mom so that you can focus yourself on the job stuff for one more week. But I know it is hard.
The ground turkey with the whole wheat pasta and sauce sound awesome! You are very clearly working at the healthier eating thing. The veggie burgers were fine but had quite a bit of quinoa in them. That meant they were a little more falling apart than a regular burger. But they tasted good and had corn inside. I am doing an El Salvador dish tomorrow night that should be weird. It is kind of like a version of grilled cheese and coleslaw. We will see how it turns out.
I have been reading lots of the same kind of thing lately about how we abuse the environment and our excuses about it. It does get a bit depressing, but I will figure out ways to teach it.
I’d made the choice to go to my mom today because I’d gotten my pay early, so I was sure my mom got hers too. I decided to go because my stomach had been behaving for an entire day and I’d been eating and drinking regularly and focusing on bland foods. I’d bought anti diarrheals just in case so I’d feel comfortable making the trip there and back.
I ran into my mom on the corner near her place and accompanied her to the post office where she was going to get her rent money order before the bail bonds people could take her last 300 dollars again- that’s how she lost the money last month. No idea how she lost the $140 to $160 last month so it’s a mystery or she’s forgotten or it was my younger sister. Who knows?
She couldn’t remember her pin so I helped her change it again and had her write it down. I’ve written it down too! She went to the ATM and took out the money that was left over so she could do her laundry and go shopping. We went back to her home, I shared a sandwich and danish with her that I got from Starbucks that morning, then filled in the transaction register for her and described all the steps.
Then I called my older sister and put her on speaker phone so she could talk with my mom. We were discussing how my younger sister was taken to the valley to stay in a small place with her dog. That it was a city outreach thing to help the homeless or address similar situations. It is possible that this isn’t an actually housing solution like my mom thinks and is really just a means to provide mental health treatment or give her someone to speak with for a little bit so she can be released and hopefully do better. We also discussed my mother’s need of a landline so we can remain in contact with her and not all rely on me to take an over 2 hour trip to swoop in and save the damned day because that’s not what I can do all the time and yes, others are better equipped to handle it but for whatever reason won’t.
My older sister explained to our mom that she’s stayed out of so much of this because she doesn’t want to expose her children to our younger sister and the men she dates. She doesn’t want the drama and the trouble. When she asked if our mom needed anything I quickly said yes for her and got my sister’s help to order groceries, toilet paper, and diapers for our mom then stayed for an hour longer waiting for the delivery and helping my mom look for the Lively device my older sister wanted her to charge and use since it detects falls and can be used to call for help. We didn’t find it but once the groceries came I put them all away. I left after 5 and only made it home after 7 and I’m so very tired. I got something to eat on the walk home, gave my older sister a text to say I’d arrived home safely, texted my aunts plus my friend, and then I ate food and watched Call the Midwife. I’m on the 13th season!
I’m all sore so I’m going to take a nice hot shower, strip the linens off the bed and remake it, and then prepare my laundry for tomorrow or Monday. I’m going to want to lay in bed most of the morning tomorrow.
Well you did good then. You got a great deal accomplished with your mom. It is very helpful that your sister is in any kind of treatment at the moment to give your mom a chance to breathe and for you to get things organized. You did the best you could on that front. I was impressed. Hopefully your older sister will realize that she can do more for your mom without exposing her kids to your younger sister. Little things like what you did over the phone today can be really helpful. Keep asking for help, okay? You do deserve it.
I can imagine that you will need some rest and recovery time now. Hopefully you won't have to go back until next month. I hope that you had a beautiful shower. I am glad you watched Call the Midwife. That is one of my favorites. I am looking forward to more episodes once they get released. I will be doing some of my own laundry this evening. Dinner didn't work well tonight but at least my husband and son were nice enough not to complain about it. @integrityblues
This is very hard for me. I’ve not even said anything to my friend about how I might stop by my mom’s next Sunday so I can check her progress and get some other things in motion so she can get a landline in place, have my older sister pay for it like she said she could, and that would reduce the number of times I have to go in person to inform my older sister about what is going on. She can call her herself and get involved as she will.
I’m not 100% sure that what’s happened with my younger sister is a true housing situation since the website for the group says nothing about providing actual housing, just a clean quiet room with water and maybe snacks where the homeless can decompress and get a chance to talk to mental health professionals then are released. I’m worried that my mom is just going to let my younger sister and the dog back because she’s lonely and misses the dog.
When I spoke to one of my aunts this morning I mentioned that I’d been considering how I could maybe work remotely for the week and maybe only show up on Sundays as my mom’s care giver- that in the past I’d dug up all the information for how my mom could apply for In Home Support Services due to her age and COPD and select someone she knew so they’d get some pay for the work. She’d wanted my younger sister to do it but my sister hated the idea of caregiving.
I don’t necessarily like the direction my thoughts took because I’m supposed to be focusing on taking care of myself rather than getting into situations where I devote my time and attention to others. I love my mother so very much but I do think the way I run to help her so often is kind of problematic. I just get so frustrated that if it has to get done I’m the one that has to do it. I’m the only one aside from my older sister who does anything, and even then my follow through is so much better.
If I do anything it will be to secure my mother’s phone line so I can step back.
It’s really annoying how I’m seesawing.
I went to my next closest Walgreens since my old one closed down awhile ago and coupons and Walgreens rewards to get a better price on tampons and pads for my upcoming period.
My older sister had offered to send me groceries too, so I agreed and sent her my list. I got all of it in the evening. She added bone in chicken thighs and ground beef to my order, so I’m looking up some crockpot recipes for the chicken- I’ll take out the bones to make stock too.
I’d like to make chicken chili or meatloaf tomorrow.
I sorted my laundry while waiting for the groceries and I’ll take it to the laundromat tomorrow morning once it isn’t so cold. I’ll go to my Target to pick up a new doormat, then go to my pharmacy to pick up another medicine refill.
I am glad that your older sister is being more supportive of you in general. You very clearly deserve that.
However, going back to your mom so soon is not the best of ideas to be honest. You are right that you are see-sawing which keeps you from taking care of yourself. That ultimately makes you less capable of taking care of your mom.
One thing that your older sister recognizes is that she can't give up her whole life for your mom. You need to think in those terms too. If you are caring for your mom even once a week you are going to get sicker. You aren't going to be able to find a job. You are going to end up in your younger sister's whirlwind which is extremely dangerous.
I know that you inherently know all of this but the guilt is doing lots of damage right now. Those emotions make lots of sense. What happened with your dad still haunts you.
But your mom needs care by professionals whether she wants it or not. She doesn't have to agree to it or sign off on it. It just needs to happen anyway. Get her to try something for a month or so. I do think once she sees what kind of help they can offer she will be more accepting of it. Just call it a "trial run" for now.
Why do I say this which I know feels wrong on many levels? Because I had to do the same thing with my dad (and I will eventually have to do it with my mom). My dad was dying before my eyes about a year and a half ago. My mother kept trying to care for him and couldn't manage. She was too tired and didn't have the memory capacity for it. She hated cleaning up after his many accidents and was yelling constantly. He could barely eat anything, and he had no energy to walk even a few steps. Putting him in assisted living was the best thing we ever did. Mom calmed down and could function again. Dad slowly began to eat and enjoy activities daily. He was less lonely and mom got some space that she needed for her. They still love each other and Mom visits about 2 times a day for a few hours. But they are at peace because they have someone who isn't a family member there to help.
Your mom doesn't need assisted living at this point I don't think, but she does need someone to come in once a week to check on her at a bare minimum. But that someone needs to not be you. I know that idea is really, really hard.
This doesn't mean I will somehow stop supporting you if you go towards helping mom more rather than less. But I want you to have the best life possible. You deserve that. @integrityblues
I’m so very tired and frustrated. I’m focusing more on getting remote freelance work since I’ve had no real luck getting anything ever.
I’d asked to speak to my older sister about the mom situation because I can’t handle this responsibility and I’m depressed. She had a headache when I texted and asked if we could talk later, so when she didn’t get back to me after the afternoon (I’d told her to take the afternoon to rest and treat the headache) I texted that we could talk tomorrow instead.
I put some money on my laundry card but didn’t want to go in to do my laundry because it was so packed and then picked up my new doormat.
I’ve been struggling with wanting to protect my mom from herself, from more of her poor choices, and from what could be the inevitable return of my younger sister. I mean I can’t do anything about any of it because I don’t control my mom and she’ll do whatever she wants. I get to pick up the pieces afterwards and figure out how best to handle them…and I’m so tired of it being me. Yes, I’m a caretaker at heart and acts of service are my love language but after what I ran into on Saturday I’ve been struck with a kind of dread.
I spoke with my older sister now for three hours or so. We discussed the situation with mom and that there really wasn’t much that could be done that would solve anything concretely because the cycle would continue. That I feel guilty for deciding not to go and help and focus on myself. And so on.
Oh, I so feel your statement that you are tired of being yourself. I wish that I could reach through the computer and give you a hug. You really deserve one.
The best thing about today was that you had a good conversation with your sister. She's right in the sense that your mom is in a cycle that only she can stop.
What you can do is keep urging her to stop that cycle. Sometimes when you say it enough times it finally sticks. You also have to let your mom hit rock bottom so that she considers making the changes herself. In both these cases (suggesting changes to your mom and not swooping in to help) you are doing something. You aren't helpless here.
But I have been in your shoes with my own mom somewhat so I really get your level of frustration.
I do think that you can find some short term, temp distance work that can start you on a better path to believing that you deserve a full job. Those smaller jobs can build easily into larger ones. That's how it has always worked for me.
Are eating and exercise going okay?
I have had a rough day myself because my credit card information got stolen. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry about your credit card, bestVase. I hope that you can resolve the issue as painlessly as possible.
I’m just exhausted with everything. I’ve tried so hard to intervene with my mom and get her to stop the cycle. She doesn’t especially care, she just wants to do whatever she wants even if it will all end in ruining her housing and ending up sick and on the street. That’s what the call with my older sister made clear. And even though I’m making this decision it still feels like a helpless one. There’s just nothing else to be done.
Exercise hasn’t been good. That trip to my mom wiped me out and I was stuck in bed for a day. Eating is going as usual with careful changes but I’m waiting till tomorrow for food stamps. I had cheeseburgers for dinner. I’d watched The Menu the day before and I just love the cheeseburger scene near the end and I just had to make some.
One of the things I spoke to my sister about was her being on the carnivore diet and how she thought I should do it do because it supposedly helps all sorts of health problems. I made it clear I disagreed and she sent me a video and a link an hour ago. One about a woman’s MS improving after doing that diet and then a link that was all about the toxins in foods. For the second one I think she’s reading way too far into it because she refuses to eat any vegetables because of the toxins inside them (one of the listed toxins is mold that you can find while looking at your vegetables and throwing them out if it’s spoiled or poison in mushrooms that aren’t safe to eat, or algae in seawater or lakes that scallops or mussels or fish ingest).
I responded by telling her that eating only meat isn’t going to change the course of my disease. That I don’t need more LDL cholesterol in addition to everything else. I’m already at a high enough risk for stroke and heart attack. My meds take better care of the four lesions in my brain.
I didn’t outright tell her that I thought the Dr in the YouTube video was a bit fake. I only said that I love her and want her to do what’s best for herself just like I’ll do for me.
Oh, dear. That sounds like a horrible video. Definitely fake. Eating meat is actually bad for you and the environment. You wonder if some beef and chicken producers made the video.
You are doing good and trying. You are right in accessing that your mom isn't going to probably change. But you are doing so. When you make yourself better and suffer less yourself then you are really getting somewhere. So you work on you for now. That's where the great change can happen.
So focus on eating well and getting maybe just a little exercise tomorrow. We had some fish with a yogurt sauce and corn for our dinner tonight.
The credit card issue was stressful at the moment, but no damage done I don't think. We will see once I get the new card. @integrityblues
I didn’t even watch all of it. I researched the Dr and the biggest issue for me is that he has a personal belief that eating only meat is the way to go that isn’t supported by anything medically valid. People are just scared of medicine and would literally rather do anything else. My mom has been conned into buying supplements off tv that won’t solve any of her health problems.
I went shopping and got a prescription refill between bouts of rain.
In the afternoon my older sister texted me a number saying our mom would call as soon as she finished her coffee and cigarette. I waited for an hour, then called.
My mom sounds out of it and confused. She didn’t keep the appointment with her case worker on Monday so made another appointment for some time this week. She doesn’t remember when. I’d asked her to please talk to her case worker about the landline and to consider paying her rent online like I do for the sake of convenience.
I don’t want to talk to her for awhile, I’m concerned for her but I’m conflicted because of everything.
I’m going to gamer’s group tomorrow and hope that it doesn’t rain too much.
I had a turkey sandwich for dinner.
I did one small load of laundry at home because of the rain, took a nice shower, and have turned in early.
I’m really hoping I don’t have another dream like last night. I was getting attacked by a guy with a sledgehammer as I was trespassing in several trailers in a trailer park looking for my mom.
Two new mantras for you: "my mom's problems aren't mine" and "I can't solve her issues for her". None of this means that you don't love your mom.
Take a deep breath. Turn to the turkey sandwiches and the gaming group. The laundry and the exercise. Give yourself more healing time. You can do this. @integrityblues
I went to gamers group but left early to run errands while it wasn’t raining. I’d accidentally hurt myself playing bowling on the Switch by whacking my hand on a chair that was too close to me. I’ve been icing the back of my hand off and on and taking Tylenol.
I got another refill for a different medicine (thankfully no copay!) and when I got home I hauled the trash cans out. I’ll have to wake up pretty early to push the cans off of the curb, then finally do the laundry before my job development Zoom.
Sorry I am just a little later tonight. My husband wanted to go see a documentary on Chet Baker, the jazz trumpet player. He was a very weird man, a heavy addict who manipulated people. I thought a bit about your sister while watching it.
Making it to the gaming group is good but I am sorry about the hand injury. It sounds like you are getting ready well for the job Zoom tomorrow. I am really hoping that one will be a bit more successful for you. I like you focusing on some online short term jobs for a bit. @integrityblues
Well, I’m glad you got to see a documentary even if it happened to remind you of my sister.
My hand is a little bit better but needs more time with an ice pack or needs heat, I’ll have to check to see when I’m supposed to make the switch.
Today’s Zoom call wasn’t great, but I made it clear that I’ve been doing a lot to try and create opportunities, develop more writing samples, and searched for jobs that would work for me but not require a driver’s license or the ability to speak Spanish.
The tree trimmers came before my appointment and made a huge mess of shavings all over my property. I was so annoyed that instead of going out to sweep I left to do laundry like I’ve been putting off forever, then came back to fold it all. I left again to pick up some cornbread for my dinner. I had some chili in the slow cooker all day, and it came out very nicely.
I’m letting the rest of it cool so I can put the Tupperware container in my fridge then go lay down.
I’ll do the sweeping tomorrow when I finally get out of bed. I wore myself out so much doing everything today!
You did do a lot today. It sounds like you are developing some nice materials in terms of getting a job. Great work!
It is obvious that you were supposed to focus on laundry today rather than sweeping, but the extra tree trimming is always a bit annoying and loud.
Chili sounds like a lovely meal, especially with the leftovers.
Tonight we went out to celebrate my youngest son's birthday. He decided to do Ethiopian food which I had never had before. There were lots of interesting decorations and the food was a large communal plate with lots of different little dishes that you ate with bread. Nothing was too spicy which was nice. But it was pretty far away and I am tired after all the driving.@integrityblues
I’m glad that you had a nice meal and celebrated your son’s birthday. I’ve never had Ethiopian food. Get plenty of rest after that long drive.
I eventually woke up this morning and did the sweeping. It took me over an hour and I listened to an audiobook while working. I spoke to my neighbor and gave him a couple rolls of toilet paper since he loaned me a couple at the end of January. The neighborly scale has been balanced.
I’m glad I got the laundry done the day before. I’m got so tired after sweeping, then go shopping for chips, salsa, and guacamole.
I took a shower that I mostly yawned through, but was able to get out and dry off and put on pajamas.
I don’t really plan on watching the Superbowl tomorrow. I’m not that into football.
You had a much better neighbor connection today than I did. Our neighbor's friends decided a 5:15 "sit in the driveway and honk the horn for 20 minutes" was a good way to go. I am quite tired, but we will let it go unless something like that happens again. A few weeks ago they started mowing the lawn at 7:30.
Normally I am not a huge football fan as an adult and pretty much only watch the Super Bowl, but my dad was a huge Eagles fan as I grew up and I was the only one who would watch with him. My son is also now a fan. So I will admit to being happy this evening. My father is now 92 and this will be only the 2nd time that the Eagles probably win the Super Bowl. My dad is fading and I doubt he will be alive a year from now. So this one actually means something to me as his daughter.
Anyway, it sounds like a successful if tiring day for you. Onward into what is hopefully a new, calm week.
Oof, I’m sorry your neighbor’s friends were so rude. Mowing the lawn at that time isn’t nice at all!
I’m glad you enjoyed the game and share that with your dad and son.
I’d tried reaching out to my mom this morning because she said she’d have her neighbor’s phone for awhile and the afternoon’s Super Bowl made me think of my dad’s love of sports. I texted her to see if she was going to be watching and if she could receive texts. The original owner of the phone texted back and after I explained who I was and apologized for bothering them they said it was okay and that they were trying to get my mom a prepaid phone. I thanked them for their kindness and focused on something else for a minute. I think I did some dishes.
Then I got a reply to my morning text from one of my aunts- she asked how things were and I mentioned being tired and depressed and talked about my mom worries and how I’m struggling with letting things happen. She suggested a bunch of decent things I already do (exercise, reading, baking) and topped it off by telling me I need to get a boyfriend.
I asked for an actual call and we FaceTimed. We talked about a lot of things and I made it very clear that getting a boyfriend wouldn’t fix anything for me. That I have no interest whatsoever and I didn’t care about having someone to cuddle with while watching a movie. That I’d spent years in high school wondering why I wasn’t behaving like my friends and being labeled as gay by my mom who assumed a lack of boyfriends meant I liked girls. Ugh.
So I made it very clear to my aunt that continuing to suggest a boyfriend wouldn’t help me.
I told her that I’m having a hard enough time just trying to socialize at my gamer’s group. That I’m doing my best to interact and have fun but that everything has been weighing me down.
Tomorrow I’m doing chores. I have to clean my kitchen, and if nothing comes up I might be seeing my aunt and her daughters in a couple of weeks so I need to the prepare peanut butter bread I said I’d give her for the holidays but she was going through some hip problems.
I’m going to get tomorrow’s post Super Bowl offers! The free Hangover burger at Carl’s Jr and the free tall coffee at Starbucks, hot or iced.
Ignore the boyfriend comments. They are entirely unnecessary (both the comments and the boyfriend) unless it is something you have a remote interest in. You are doing a great job with the gaming group. That's good enough for now.
There was a hint of something good with your phone attempt to get to your mom. Someone else closer is caring enough about her to try to get a prepaid phone for her. That is good news. Not that you won't continue to worry about her, but know that she is surviving. Keep focusing on you.
You are doing a good job with chores, etc. Keep the activity up and keep eating healthy. We had a really nice, but simple dish tonight - lightly cooked spinach with raisins, nuts and white beans. I was surprised how enjoyable it was. But we also finished off some birthday cake from my son... @integrityblues
I do my best to ignore the boyfriend comments but I’ve had to explain this to her in the past. I get that she has a lot going on and maybe forgot all about it, but it makes me so annoyed to have the issue pressed and not understood all over again. I made her sad when I told her about high school and I didn’t want to do that to her.
Thank you for understanding. Like only my best friend and my therapist gets it and I usually have to take a deep breath and choose my words carefully when I’m speaking to family.
I’m doing better in the gaming group than a few months ago. I think this Thursday when one of the people asks me if I want a snack or a drink I’ll say yes because I want to fit in better in the group. I’m unsure of touching things that others have touched and I don’t really want to touch open food containers. So if I do go with my plan I’ll probably ask for a cup of coffee and request whichever snack is wrapped up in its own individual packaging.
I agree that someone offering a hand and trying to get my mom a prepaid phone is really nice. I’m worried because I always worry and she herself doesn’t seem to care about all the stuff that can and will go wrong. The fact that she could just decide to let everything fall apart because she thinks she deserves it makes me scared but there’s nothing I can do about it and that makes me even more scared.
If she gets the phone and keeps it till the end of the month if she’s on top of things she can call the number on her deposit card and see when her SSDI comes in. I don’t really want her to have a similar situation like the 1st so if she keeps the phone she can also text me if she’s forgotten her pin and then I can just text it to her. Or she can just change it herself over the phone too. I made sure to give my older sister the heads up about the phone number and told her to just check her messages in case Mom calls from a new number.
I really do need to focus on me which is why I haven’t gone back to check on her. I’ve been trying to stay on top of the chores but with mixed results. I got the promotional burger from Carl’s Jr and a tall cup of coffee from Starbucks. The burger was full of protein but a bit much and I chose to get a hot coffee, single origin Ethiopia blonde roast!
I did a little bit of tidying up today between looking at jobs and finally applying for one. I emailed the link to my developer like she asked. I’ll get to do therapy tomorrow and then have a job development Zoom on Wednesday.
Your dinner sounds nice and full of protein and fiber.
Yay for birthday cake!
Focus on you and not on your mom's phone. Remember you can't control why she does things or how she does things. It is a blessing that someone else was kind to her.
I think that it would be great to take a cup of coffee and maybe a packaged snack at the gamer's group. You are indeed getting better and should be proud of yourself on that front.
It is also great that you found a job to apply for. Every application matters so great work!
I am so sorry about your aunt. But it is okay if you made her feel bad. She needs to be reminded where the trigger points are. That's the only way that she can know and it is a legitimate trigger point for you. Life is a learning game where we all need to be reminded of how to be kind regularly.
It must be an Ethiopian week then! Glad you had some good coffee. Today was an over busy day for me so I had to eat at school, but I did manage a vegetable burger (and regular fries). @integrityblues
Things I’ve looked into make me want to not focus as much on my mom- my therapist had questioned me about my mom changing her tune about the missing $300 from last month since it was obviously an ATM transaction. I looked into her transactions on her card to see where her bail bond payments began and what they looked like. The money was a transaction, its labeled as from the bail bond company, and the only transactions I can find are in October and November… unless she decided to start paying in cash after and just wants to lie to me about it.
Though this is upsetting I’m reassured that she got her second SSDI deposit that I’d forgotten all about, and that she was able to pay the rest of her rent because her money order wasn’t enough.
She’s taken out plenty of money from the ATM so I’m sure that she’s fine and is getting plenty done. If her neighbor is still going to help her get a prepaid phone she’ll be able to get things done herself.
I also spoke to my therapist about wanting to accept a cup of coffee when I go to the gamer’s group. She’s even helping my efforts at exposure and will show up during my group with a sealed package of cookies for the group to share but also test my ability to eat things that others might touch. Next time she’ll bring a package that has been opened but not sure touched. Another time will probably have have cookies missing, and so on.
I’m trying to be better and do other things but it feels strange and scary. She suggests that next time when the same guy who high fived me before does that again or fist bumps me I should just rub my hand clean against my pants instead of sanitizing my hands. That it wasn’t like I was going to stick my fingers in my mouth so it should be okay. But I get very nervous about it because I could still unthinkingly touch my nose or eyes.
Thank you! Every application matters, of course but I just get so damned tired of the routine. The high anxiety and dread as I hear nothing then everything gets worse as I have to get in contact with them to remind them that I exist and am interested in the position.
I try very hard to be kind but it’s exhausting. I’d like to think that she’ll know enough to not draw me into another situation like that.
Yes the coffee was good and it kind of made me laugh over the coincidence- me drinking Ethiopian coffee while you had the food.
A veggie burger can be really nice too. Fries are almost always delicious. Me and my love of starchy veggies. I had baked potatoes for dinner.
It sounds like your mom is okay at the moment. So you can keep focusing on you.
It sounds like a good therapy appointment today. Your therapist is coming up with good ways of moving you forward slowly but surely.
The job thing is going to come. I know how stressful it is though. I too have had long job searches. What is interesting is that when I finally got jobs they kind of fell into my lap unexpectedly. I hope the same happens with you.
Again we are on somewhat of the same wavelength food wise. I had a leftover potato dish that I made last week. It was kind of like a really large potato and cabbage pancake from Andorra. @integrityblues
Today was Wednesday and I woke up from a perplexing dream about taking in my younger sister. I did it reluctantly and was aggravated by her constantly and it all came to a head when she interfered with me using my small washing machine. I flipped out when she decided to pee in my load of laundry! I shoved her off of my little TwinSpin washer and yelled at her while I frantically tried to figure out what to do- in the dream I’d forgotten there was a switch for the water to drain into the toilet or tub. That I could drain the fouled soapy water and then refill it with very hot soapy water and let the machine run a few times.
My Zoom call with my job developer wasn’t good. She was having technical difficulties so we did the meeting over the phone. She gave me a few leads since she hadn’t given me the ones for last week. I tried to apply to them. The first turned out to be sort of scammy after I was sent a an email requesting that I provide credit reports with their free link and the hiring manager being unnamed. The second was for the same company but I couldn’t apply for the remote job because it was only remote if I was in the state where the job was located. I just didn’t like the third job very much, so this wasn’t awesome. I’m resolved to continue searching and find something that isn’t a scam.
I’m so tired and don’t really want to go to my gamer’s group tomorrow because of the rain, but I’m going to try. I’m pretty sure I feel so badly because my period is approaching and I’d already gotten stuck in the rain this afternoon.
Sorry about the dream. It sounds like all of your frustration with your sister boiling over. I actually remembered my dreams from last night which I do maybe once or twice a year. It was something about taking my students to the history museum which I am doing on Saturday.
Sorry that the job developer gave you scam leads. I would tell her that next time. You are right to be cautious. She needs to be looking more carefully for you. But I bet that you will find something great on your own. You have been much more determined the last few days. It is great to see.
I hope that you do get to go to the gamer's group especially if your therapist is going to be there. Hopefully the weather won't be horrible. I also hope you can find a regular reading group at the library at some point. I think that you would really enjoy that too and they don't meet more than once a month.
Dinner tonight was very thin beef with broccoli over rice. It was pretty good. I will probably do that in leftover form tomorrow. @integrityblues
My dream was frustrating and it probably does link to my problems with my sister. I don’t want to clean up her messes as I’m cleaning up my own, and her spoiling a perfectly good load of laundry was so damned rude. Metaphorically it could also be about my mom represented by my sister because for awhile I’d hoped that she’d help our mother like she sort of tried to (but mostly because she wanted shelter and a shower) and our mom wanted her to give a hand. It’s not going to happen at all or ever and I prefer it since she makes so much trouble.
My job developer sent me an email today saying that she didn’t think the job was a scam since it came from LinkedIn and I shook my head since it was a job from a talent acquisition place that posts jobs on LinkedIn but the jobs come from all sorts of places. I’ll talk to her about it but I might be getting to the point where I need to ask for another job developer.
I’m trying even harder because I don’t want to think about my mom all the time and try to get something going so I can be more successful. I need money and I need to get more job experience on my resume. The length of time I took to get my degree and not work at the same time comes off as a huge red flag.
I went to the gamer’s group and the rain was awful. The group itself was okay, but as I was sitting there with my mask off eating a couple of cookies and drinking a small cup of coffee in a paper cup people were getting so damned close to me that I kept scooting out of the way and getting closer to the table. It was one part me being nervous and another part that I kept catching sight of them in my peripheral vision and they were inches away playing bowling on the Switch. It was the WOW worker who brings the games and encourages us to play but I get so annoyed because she never seems to hear me when I talk and it’s hard to understand her because she speaks quickly without enunciating at all. She didn’t hear me at all when I asked her to please watch it as she swung her arm back to play the game but she didn’t hear, so I ducked my head as I played UNO with the others.
I’m thinking of maybe bringing baked goods once a month. I mentioned it and they seemed to like the idea, even mentioning I could bake there and it could be an activity to teach others, but I wasn’t quick to agree to it.
When I went home I was less than a block away when a big car drove very fast and went through a flooded portion of the street and sent the water in a huge wave onto the sidewalk. I was completely soaked and disgusted. I got into my house and dropped my bag and turned on the heater, then I went back out in the rain to drag the trash cans out to the front. I got it done then went back inside. I put my soaked outfit into the hanging clothes dryer and then get into the shower.
I spoke to my friend for a bit to feel better about getting hit with so much dirty water.
I feel so tired but I’m going to have to wake up early to make sure that the garbage cans are off the curb and then prep for my Zoom.
Your dinner sounds very nice! I set up my crockpot again so I could cook some chicken thighs overnight with salsa, taco seasoning, and a little water. Once it’s done I’ll remove the bones and shred the meat for tacos or just have some of the meat with riced cauliflower.
You are doing a good job in looking for work. Someone is going to hire you eventually, red flags or not. For now keep looking and reading books. Job hunts do take lots of mental energy.
I am so sorry for the rain and getting hit with the water. But it is a real victory that you made it and were able to eat some there. That shows major progress even if it felt uncomfortable. Remind yourself it was the first time you tried eating there. That was bound to make things more tense for you. You did a good job!
And good job with the chicken and salsa. That sounds lovely. Tiring day from my end and a weekend that is way too busy ahead.@integrityblues
I’m committed to trying even harder at job hunting and getting my home clean and sort of neat. I’d taken a few steps for Swedish Death Cleaning and threw out a burnt out frying pan along with two shirts that don’t fit me at all but were given to me by my late friend.
Thursdays gamer group was a win. I did fist bumps and tried what my therapist said and just rubbed my hand against my pant leg.
I just got off the phone with my mom. She got herself a phone and told me that she was doing okay and that my younger sister left the San Fernando Valley and is staying with her again. My mom is happy because she has the dog with her again and only says she won’t let my younger sister take the phone with her outside, so it doesn’t really mean she’ll hold herself to it. I’m trying to not get too involved and ruin my new focus, so I told her that I’d schedule our next call for March 1st.
Ugh.
I’ve been off for most of the day because my period hit me like a truck. After I got my Zoom over with and went for a walk I ended up just laying down with a heating pad. Boo cramps!
Aside from that and the surprise call from my mom, my Valentine’s Day was okay.
I hope that yours was good too and that you get some kind of break after most of the weekend work is done.
With the exception of the period which was going to hit no matter what, you are rocking it right now. Great job both talking to your mom and distancing yourself from her.
I am glad that the gaming club was a success and I love the idea of the Swedish Death Cleaning. I should attempt some of that when I have time.
Valentine's itself was okay. Work and the state of the country right now have me in the hole again. But I am battling however I can. I had a successful trip with my class to the history museum archives this morning. They got really excited about actually being able to handle old stuff. @integrityblues
Your trip to the museum sounds like it was fun, I’m glad your students enjoyed it!
Yes the state of the world is very distressing and I try to not focus on it as much but yes, sometimes it hard to ignore.
My mom called me again after I texted her some of the pictures of my sister’s dog and though I didn’t exactly want to talk I briefly spoke with her- she hadn’t slept well and her feet hurt so she skipped her yard sale and was doing laundry when she called because of my text. I reiterated that I didn’t mind texts and scheduled calls but I didn’t want to hear from my younger sister…or talk about her really but it’s hard because my mom sometimes has nothing else to talk about.
I had shredded chicken tacos for dinner!
You did a good job focusing on the yard sale and hurt feet. If she calls unexpectedly just keep the conversation short. You will have enough to talk about. Keeping her briefly from loneliness is a good thing.
I did a little better today in staying away from the news and spending time with family.
The shredded chicken tacos for dinner is awesome. I bet they tasted good. I love when I can get a few meals out of something. We did Slovakia tonight - a simple cucumber salad with a little onion and Greek yogurt (always an easy, cheap healthy replacement for sour cream) and some very thin potato pancakes (just potatoes and flour really) that were rolled with some cranberry sauce inside. We now have enough leftovers for several nights. It was a bit of chopping but overall not bad. @integrityblues
Today wasn’t the greatest day. I was in bed and resting then had a call from my aunt. We chatted about my week and I made it clear that I’d not be my mom’s caregiver. She’s so far from me and I’m having a hard enough time focusing on my own needs.
We discussed what she’d be doing that day; she’d go to church and then go spend some time with her newest grandchild. I told her to go have fun and that I’d keep her posted with my news.
I’m glad you’re doing better today. Your dinner sounds very interesting! I love latkes and tend to top them with green onion and Greek yogurt. I’ve always meant to try them with applesauce but the tartness of cranberry sauce could be really neat too.
I’m letting my crockpot soak overnight so I can start another batch of chili this week. I need to try and to apply to a few jobs tomorrow so I can show my job developer my efforts but also get some chores done.
What made that day not successful? Was it just not getting up to move much? Of course, exercise is good but I wouldn't be too hard on yourself. You talked to your aunt and set more boundaries. That part is a success.
Reading any good books lately? Those can help you reset too.
I hope that you were able to find a few good remote jobs to apply for. I wish you good luck with the job development meeting.
As I said last night, leftovers tonight for me. We have quite a bit to work through but some of the salads are finally starting to disappear a bit. Maybe I will try to take a little cucumber salad to work tomorrow. It will be a very long day - 7:15 am - 9 pm at work. Thus if I don't reply tomorrow I apologize in advance. @integrityblues
That’s okay. Work is important and you’ll reply later.
I was just too tired and feeling upset yesterday. On days when I don’t really go out for anything I try to get some pedaling in. That day I did go on a very slow walk to the store for junk food and some things to add to what I had planned for dinner.
I’ve been listening to an audiobook and it’s okay.
Today I started my Monday on the right foot and began looking for remote work. I’d collected five but only successfully applied to one and even then that one job was asking for my credit report through a shady site known for phishing. I emailed all of it to my developer then applied to one more and provided the notations in a reply to that email.
I plan to look for and apply for more tomorrow so I’ve got more to show for myself on my Wednesday appointment.
I’m sure your left overs were very good. I had some cereal for my dinner.
I had an unsettling dream about going to a movie that I could only see in segments. While I was waiting to get enough money to go to see the next part I went home and realized that there were people working outside. I freaked out when they started opening my windows and shoving these large fans inside. They turned them on and leaves and dirt were blowing around inside my house and since it was part of some work on the building I couldn’t do anything. Not long after that someone else entered my apartment and tried to hurt me so I was forced to fight back and ended up killing them. I disposed of the body in my trashcan and used several kinds of dried spices hide the scent from scavengers that would obviously find it in the trash bag after I threw it outside.
Today was not a good day.
My mom called to say my sister had left to go to a safe place. Supposedly a shelter. And then she decided to tell me that on Friday she’d been given a two week deadline to finish her housing paperwork or she’d be forced to leave, and that she’d had lots of trouble to get things done since her bus pass was returned with no money on it.
She’s made all of these problems worse by giving into the girlfriend of my sister’s old ex (not the current abusive one) and giving them 200 to 300 dollars so the boyfriend could buy a van. My mom did so a few days ago thinking that he’d at least give her rides after but that’s not happening. And that’s why she can’t add more money to her bus card or do anything else.
I’m so angry that she’s let herself be taken advantage of and ruined her own living situation by letting all this paperwork go to the last second.
So I told her that I’ll be coming by early Wednesday morning to do what I can like looking for her case worker’s number, reading the letter she received about the paperwork, and deciding what to tackle if I could handle it over the phone or online.
After the call was over I had to text my friend and vent over how stupid all of this is. We had a call and after it was over I began doing a few chores to deal with the rest of my anger.
I did enough dishes to make baked potatoes and a grilled cheese sandwich, and then washed and dried a small load of clothes. I took a shower so I’d not have to wake up even earlier tomorrow morning and catch a train with wet hair. I’ll have to catch it before 5 to get there before 7 so I’m not pleased.