My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
Sorry. It has been a bit of a struggle for me to get back on and answer people. My depression has been flaring too and I am quite tired.
I hope the situation with your mom went okay. Sometimes swooping into help is good and sometimes it is not so good because it takes you long to get back on your feet.
Stay as focused as you can on you, okay? Sending hugs.
You don’t have to apologize bestVase.
I’m doing okay. Wednesday was a lot and I’m feeling the physical strain even though I took a hot shower that night and applied Bengay/used Tylenol.
I didn’t bother with gamer’s group and instead focused on my job development meeting (we discussed four leads and I tried applying to two), hauled the trash cans out, and went to the store.
I also came home and made some turkey cheeseburgers on keto hamburger buns! I forgot to lightly toast the buns though. I have two more burgers set aside in Tupperware for tomorrow. I think I’ll have them for lunch after I finish my trash day chores.
I’m sending back hugs.
You’ve got this bestVase!
Yesterday I went to my mom to help her with her Section 8 paperwork. It turns out that what she received in the mail was a second/final notice and included all of the paperwork attached to it so no she didn’t have to get it all herself.
Once I confirmed that it was all there I moved on to the next step which was contacting her worker because their number was provided on the forms- it turns out her voicemail wasn’t connected and nobody would pick up.
Next I called another number given for my mom’s contact at HACLA and waited on hold till I was bored and agreed to receive a call back without losing my place in line. It took a little time but they called and we spoke to someone else who was able to note that we wanted to talk to them about how the worker wasn’t capable of being reached, that my mom had gone in person to the office twice to tell them the same thing but received no help, and she was running out of time to complete the forms. The contact was emailed all of this and we updated my mom’s phone number with them because she needs to get those calls, not me.
We then went on a walk to the nearby 7-11 where she wanted to use her last 10 bucks to get a pack of cigarettes. I bought us a sandwich to share and a couple of sodas.
When I’d originally got there my mom had also told me that she’d misplaced her direct express card and decided to order a new one the day before…and then she’d found it but decided that since she’d already placed the expedited order for a new one she’d take the old one and just fold it in half! The trouble was it was going to arrive in 7-10 days and she’d risk not getting her rent paid on time so I made notes on my calendar app for when she might get it.
Thankfully since it was expedited she got her new card today.
If anything today was a good day for her- she got her new card, her worker got in contact with her and they will meet on Tuesday so she can sign her part of the paperwork and she agreed to drive my mom to the office to turn it all in that day too so she’d be within the two week deadline.
My mom also took the advice I gave her after I was home and reading a text about how she hadn’t gotten to use her food stamps at the store after I left for home because she’d forgotten her pin. I told her that she didn’t need to go to the office that’s three buses away just to get a brand new card and pin, I walked her through just calling the number on the back of her card to change the pin to something else. She fixed it today and was able to go shopping!
Things are turning around and I told her to text after she’s able to turn in the paperwork on Tuesday.
My younger sister called my mom when I was about to leave for home on Wednesday. I lingered and spoke to one of her friends (nice guy who lacks a frying pan and comes over to my mom’s when he wanted to make grilled cheese) as she was talking to her. After a few minutes my mom passed her phone to me saying my sister wanted to say hi. I took it and had a very short talk with my sister who clearly wanted me to do something for her but also picked a fight over which of us was more tired; her at an undisclosed location that might be a shelter, or me as a chronically ill person who had to wake up before 4 in the morning and travel for over 2 hours just to help our mom. I got off the phone with her pretty quick because I wasn’t going to feel sorry for her when I had my hands full with our mother. My mom told me that her part of the call was mostly spent answering my sister’s questions about whether any of her stuff was still there.
I’m hoping that my mom sticks with what she said and will call the police if my younger sister shows up.
That was a successful time with your mom even though you had to handle the boatload of issues. Now I hope you can step back and try to avoid calling until that March 1 deadline that you set for yourself. It isn't that far away.
The job stuff sounds great. I was reading today about the increasing amount of job scam ads going around. You are doing a great job keeping away from those.
I also liked the idea of the turkey burgers and the keto buns. My son cooked collard greens tonight for the three of us. They were fine but could have used a few more potatoes.
I am hanging in there but it is definitely a really rough period both on the national front and my own job front. But I keep trying. @integrityblues
I spoke to her briefly to confirm that she had changed her pin. That was on the day that she got her new card. We’ve texted a little and I reminded her when our next phone call will be several times because she keeps forgetting.
March 1st isn’t far at all, and then when it’s over I’ll schedule the next call for April.
Job scams are so awful and everywhere. I actually got one of those this morning! It was an offer to interview somewhere I hadn’t applied at. I researched the company and none of the numbers or emails I could find matched, so I’m not doing it.
My turkey burgers were good!
You know, I’ve never had collard greens before but I think I would agree on the need for more potatoes.
I’m sorry that things are so rough. I can’t really watch the news but I catch glimpses of articles. I’m sorry work is going through a rough period too. Trying is best thing to do, so good on you.
You are doing a good job reestablishing the boundaries with your mom even if she can't remember where they are sometimes. My parents are also really forgetful. But I have to accept them where they are at rather than where I wish they were. We are going to go and visit them tomorrow so we will see how that goes.
I did not do the best job on eating tonight that's for sure. We went to a movie premiere because my husband had helped with the making of the documentary film a bit before he retired. They had boxes of Swedish Fish. I loved them when I was a kid. So I couldn't help having some of them...some popcorn...and a can of Sprite. Not all days can be collard greens. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. @integrityblues
I dreamt that I had to go to the dentist but when they started working on me some of my teeth started falling out but they assured me it was okay and they’d be able to get them back in.
At first I thought the solution was braces but I could only taste glue? And the worst part was as soon as they finished up and told me to clench my teeth together those teeth fell out again along with a few more. They began working on me again and then painfully removed almost all of my other teeth leaving only some molars for chewing and my front teeth for biting. It was awful and I went to visit my mom after but kept my face mask on because I was so embarrassed.
It’s a pretty intense anxiety dream that ties into my recent money worries. As I was typing this I got an informed delivery notification that I’d be receiving my travel funds today. I cried a little because I’ve been worrying over how late it’s been and whether or not there was another funding issue.
Ok, I will deal with both those posts in order. The first one actually made me smile because there was so much good in it.
You got out walking and found a great Pokemon Go! I remember when my boys got very excited about those. We traded weather today. It was downright awful here with cold rain from morning to evening. I walked just about enough steps but got soaked doing it.
And good job not applying for that remote position. No one needs a credit check before they even consider an application. Legitimate places only want to check the people that they interview.
It is hard to see my parents get older, but Dad is only partially there now anyway. Some days he can strike up a conversation for a few minutes, but most days not much. I just don't want to see him struggle. At this point going home to be with God is an okay thing, you know?
I love the idea of you giving shoes to the homeless too. That's quite kind of you. I would love to be able to sort some of my stuff someday. I try to get rid of a piece of clothing every time I add one, but I still have too much.
I am sorry about the dream, but it is wonderful to hear that your travel money is coming. Maybe you just needed to write out and dream about that stress for the money to appear.
May your Zoom have gone well today and may your therapy go well tomorrow.
Ugh, I’m so sorry about the rain. Years ago during the pandemic I’d plot a walking path through my house and just pace from room to room while listening to music. I’d still go outside occasionally but it was very useful to get more steps in on rainy days too.
I keep running into these conditions with remote positions and I’m trying to weed out the companies that keep asking for it- my Zoom meeting resulted in no leads from my developer so I said I’d look for some myself and send her an email later. I wasn’t very successful because of all the credit check requests, the leads being closed when I apply, and an in person receptionist job not getting applied for because I’d forgotten my login info and exhausted the number of attempts I could make to change the info. I’ve got to wait a day to try again.
Awhile after my dad passed I listened to this YouTube video about Stoicism and Loss that sort of got me to look at it in a different way since I was really fixating on my lost chances and feeling abandoned: You don’t lose people. You return them.
You’ve got the right outlook, bestVase.
I forgot to leave the shoes outside today since after my Zoom I spent an hour and a half job hunting then waited for the mail to be delivered. I got my check! I’ll put the shoes out tomorrow after I haul the trash cans and leave for my therapy appointment.
I’m going to get a fancy coffee tomorrow too!
Eh, I forgot that today is Tuesday not Thursday and it made me feel silly for saying I’ll haul out the trash cans during yesterday’s reply. Now that I’m going to the same place sometimes twice every two weeks I get confused.
I’ll put the shoes outside this afternoon when I get home from this therapy appointment.
I love the "returning people" idea. It is a great approach.
I think Stoicism might have a great deal to say about your job hunt too. It really is a philosophy of balance as in seeing you are much more than any job (though a job would be nice). I have been working on saying that to myself lately as well as the job continues to be highly stressful and uncertain of late.
Tuesdays are long with a 7 am to 7 pm schedule. Tonight I very much have a headache. But tomorrow should be easier and more enjoyable.
I hope that your therapy appointment went well and you have been eating enjoyable food. I had an egg, mozzarella and pesto sandwich from Starbucks this evening since I had to stay on campus. I have decided against any Starbucks drinks though. Everything is caffeinated now and I don't sleep if I drink caffeine after 12 noon. So I picked up some San Pellegrino soda (no sugar but still tastes good) that will be cheaper ultimately than Starbucks anyway.
The refresher I took on stoicism last night says a lot about well…everything? Some of it is about controlling emotion and accepting the things we don’t have control over because it only complicates matters. I could apply some of that to my job searching so it at least won’t ruin my week.
I hope your headache passes smoothly.
My therapy appointment was stressful but good in its way. I talked a lot about all the stuff about my mom and near the end of it my poor therapist looked so stressed that I apologized. She said that it was okay but that listening to what I said was making her worry over my burning out. I honestly told her that I was about there already. I’m tired all the time and my body hurts and I’m trying to stop thinking about my mom’s problems.
Then as I was coming home on the bus my mom called, not texted like we agreed, to tell me that her worker had signed the paperwork and because she was tired the worker offered to just take it to the office herself rather than taking my mom with her. I was disappointed that my mother hadn’t followed through with the plan, that there’s literally no way of telling if it will actually be filed. I have to just accept that I can’t do anything else- I’ve done all that I can to make sure that it will be completed.
I bought myself a Terry’s Chocolate Orange and a frozen bbq chicken pizza this evening.
I got myself a tall caramel macchiato before my therapy.
I’d needed the caffeine since I hadn’t picked up my modafinil just yet,
but I managed to get it on the way home.
Today started with a nice slow walk to my local library, a trip to the coffee shop, and picking up an early lunch.
Then I made the mistake of checking in with my mom. She didn’t go shopping yesterday like she said and she purposefully didn’t tell me that the real reason she didn’t go with the worker to drop off the paperwork was because they weren’t going to the right office. My mom was dropped off in her neighborhood and the worker left saying she’d contact her after she’d dropped the form off- she didn’t.
So I told my mom to try and text her and ask about it.
After that I had a long texting conversation with my friend about how I felt like I was betraying my mom by calling a number provided by my therapist so my mom could get more help, then explained how I felt by using stoic philosophy. That I’m fighting against forces I can’t change and my efforts are basically self-destructive. That I’m refusing to just let go and let things happen. It’s all about me getting wrapped up in my emotions and how futile everything is.
I left the house again for another walk to calm down and when I got home I texted my mom asking how it went and ended up on the phone with her so she could explain that her worker said she was missing another form for proof of income.
I put in my earpods and dragged out the laptop so I could try and set up an account so she could just download the correct form and email it to her worker, but first I had to make a new email for her since the old one was attached to an old phone number and a forgotten password. I did all of that only to find that she’d need a code she’d get in the mail in a week or two that would activate the account!
I told her that the next thing she’d have to do would be to get a paper copy from her nearest social security office and give it to her worker.
I finally told my mom that she needs more help than I can give. That I love her but I don’t want her to get upset with me for suggesting that she accept help from a nearby resource since she clearly needs it and there’s only so much I can do from 21 miles away.
I told her to text me tomorrow when she finished her task.
I’m going to gamer’s group tomorrow even though I don’t really want to.
I forgot about the BBQ Chicken pizza I had in the freezer so when I was finished with my mom’s call and updated my older sister I cooked and ate it for dinner, then took a hot shower.
After my gaming group was over I contacted my mom. After she replied to my text and said she hadn’t done anything I called her.
She had no money to ride the bus and gave up. She doesn’t care that she’s going to lose her Section 8.
If she hadn’t wasted more of her money on cigarettes she might have been able to do it.
I advised her to text her worker and say that she’d tried to get it but couldn’t. I told her to call my older sister then checked her account and saw that she’s likely going to get her SSDI tomorrow. She eventually called my older sister but didn’t reach her, so when she said she’d try tomorrow I told her no and to try again! She at least left her a message.
I’m very depressed.
I got home and laid down instead of hauling the trash cans. I have to do that soon. I’d planned to just cook or maybe bake cookies but I don’t really care about baking right now.
I’ll at least cook some chicken breasts and if the last of the potatoes are okay I’ll toss them in the roasting pan too with some onion.
I apologize so much for missing last night. I am not in the best of shape myself and just needed a night to do Netflix instead. Ended up finishing The Diplomat season 2. It started off weird but has lots of unexpected plot twists.
Yes, stoicism is a good say of thinking. People tend to imagine that it is all about facing pain and never getting upset. But that's not the point. It is more like riding the waves with as much grace as you can.
It is good that you were able to get out so much with your therapist. You are handling a lot. I think that therapists are handling a huge amount themselves right now. The US is in such chaos that it has to play a role in many of their sessions. I can't imagine having to listen and not absorb some of that stress all day. I have a session with both the therapist and the psychiatrist next week back to back. We will see how that goes.
Sometimes just hoping for the best with your mom is a good approach. You can only do so much but more calling or texting at this point will probably stress you out even more. You did a great job in telling your mom that she needs to find more support locally. You can only do so much. See if you can try to take tomorrow off completely from contacting your mom. You need to rest your brain.
That walking is one of the best things that you can be doing at this point. You are doing a good job with the food. Sending peace and home this evening.
It’s okay. It’s very important to give yourself chances to destress and Netflix is a great choice.
Stoicism may be read as “never give into emotion” but it’s more about enduring hardships and not letting emotion cause greater turmoil that will make the situation worse. Accepting the lack of control and continuing anyway or something.
I’ve been getting so tired that no matter what I do for my mom things go wrong and I’ve wasted my energy and fixed nothing.
My mom reached out after my older sister spoke with her about what she can do. For the moment my mom is open to getting something close to mental health treatment. My older sister spoke to her about going to see a doctor. She’ll go and see our mom over the weekend since our younger sister is in a shelter for now. Neither of us like interacting with her.
I do need to rest my brain. I’ve got a Zoom meeting tomorrow unless the sudden notice for a meeting on Wednesday means it’s canceled. She did say she’d try and get in contact with me if her availability changed.
I’ll get up early and start working on trash day chores tomorrow.
Today was so long.
Ended up having to help my mom create an account for her property management portal. She was just having such trouble figuring out how to pay her rent or get her money order to the office instead of mailing it. I got the activation link and opened the account to confirm the rent was the number she got when she called the office and asked.
It turns out she only paid part of her rent in February so in addition to paying rent in March due on the 1st she also paid for the missing portion and a late fee. I got her to slowly read out her card information so I could complete a one time payment on her behalf. It went through and she shouldn’t get a late fee this month.
It left her with like $16 so I told her to go get her Folgers so she could have her coffee. I then did my Zoom call where my developer was talking about how I will likely have to get a new developer. We ended the meeting early.
I finished the trash day chores then took a walk to the library.
I am sure that yesterday and today were both long. Let your older sister help your mom as much as possible for the moment, okay? You need the mental break.
It is great that your mom might consider some mental health help herself. What you have described sounds like a combination of confusion and depression. She lets things get bad in part because she doesn't understand and in part because letting things fall apart feels emotionally easier than fixing them. I think any evaluation would very definitely help.
But you have gotten enough settled for her for now. I am glad that the job stuff is taking a different turn and you may get another developer. Some fresh ideas would be good. But you will probably have to carefully explain what you tried before.
I hope that eating and exercise have been going okay for you. I have done some walking today and then had some leftover cornmeal and okra for dinner with some European seeded bread toast. I had forgotten how those little loaves taste really good and pack in a nice bunch of nutrients. Of course the butter on the toast probably negated some of that healthy eating part of things. @integrityblues
I’m going to take a break. It’s up to my mom to get her shopping done and feed herself.
I’m sleeping in tomorrow. I had discounted cake slices since I had a dollar off reward and a spare dollar on my debit card. I made boxed macaroni and cheese.
I might get my SSDI tomorrow or the next day.
I hope that you have had a lovely break day. Take some time to get back on your feet. @integrityblues
I slept in but checked on my mom since it was the day for our call. I laid down for it because of how sore my legs are. She’d called me as I was balancing my checkbook and paying my electric bill.
She was busy cleaning up to prepare for my older sister’s visit but we discussed her plans for the morning and what she’ll do when she gets her second check by the 3rd.
Her basic goal was to clean up and go to the store to get her instant coffee, some creamer, and a roll of toilet paper since she didn’t do it yesterday. She’s got 7 bucks left on her card after I showed her how to pay her rent online and 12 in cash so she’ll be able to handle it if she actually goes.
After I got off the phone with her she texted me to say that my older sister had canceled her visit. I then texted my sister to ask what was up and she said that since our mom said she’s got a cold my sister would rather wait till mom is better.
I got all my bills in order and set up my budget, then decided what I’d buy with the remaining money. I ordered a cheap iPhone case, water filters, and some electric toothbrush heads. Then I used a coupon to order toilet paper and some paper towels from Target.
It took all day resting my legs to feel comfortable to go outside for a short walk. I got Taco Bell for dinner. Way too many carbs. I really should just get the power bowls that are mostly just protein and veggies. I’d had a bit of luck on the way home and found two dollars in a crosswalk!
I’m going to try and take it slow tomorrow but I’ll do a chore like laundry and go pick up my order from Target.
Dreamt that I was going to school plus working in a grocery store again.
Last night my mom told me that my younger sister came to her house with the dog. She wanted to use the bathroom but my mom said no, that she wasn’t allowed inside. They fought and my mom told her to leave…then went with a friend of my younger sister to drive around and try to find her till 1 a.m.
I asked her this morning if everything was okay and during a very long call she’d pepper details in between requests for me to share the information for the new *** I made for her and the account I made for her rent portal.
My mom said that she was going to get my younger sister a phone. Though there’s nothing I can do about it I still told her I’d prefer it if she bothered to pay for her own old cellphone so she won’t have to pay Spectrum anymore and close the mobile account.
After giving my mom the HACLA number so she could try to call her contact on Monday I told her that I wasn’t feeling great. She asked why and I said I’ve been very depressed about everything that’s been going on.
After I ended the call I was so drained that I changed my mind about how or when I’d do laundry. I’d rather do some small loads of laundry at home, then go out on Monday to get my Target order.
No more calling your mom for at least 48 hours okay? You really, really need a break. She has you so wound up right now. You do so much better when you have distance. She is going to make some bad choices. Don't you get pulled into the chaos. If she calls you or texts you, then tell her you need a break for a day or two. It is a little like your mom being brave at first when your younger sister showed up. What you don't want to do is end up "traveling the streets until 1 am" trying to "help" your mom.
Focus on the budgeting, getting stuff from Target and getting out walking. Taco Bell isn't horrible if you do the protein bowls or bean burritos. But right now you are stress eating which isn't going to give you the energy in the long run to get needed stuff done.
Sending lots of strength and peace. You have gotten to a better place before. You can do so again now. @integrityblues
Thanks. I took the time to think about all of it and decided that the responsibility of even getting my mom started with the the number I was given during therapy (so they could assist her and talk to her about how best to face her issues and so on) but called to make very sure she knew exactly why I was doing it and get her promise that she as going to try.
And then she picked up the phone and told me that she’d been threatened again by this homeless man who lives in a car on her street- he’d been harassing her for two weeks, the things he said getting more and more explicit. That he owns her, that her body is his, and detailing the things he was going to do to her. My mom is much older and weaker than this man, so when she had ran into him on the sidewalk this afternoon she’d tried to get away from him but he got in her face and tried to take the tool bag she was carrying to her friend in a car. He told her that if he saw her with another man he would unalive her. She yelled at him and got away into the house when I called.
I calmed her down and told her to just write down what had happened so she had every detail, then to take a five minute break to sip some water, and call the police department to talk to someone about making a report. My mom is so ashamed over the things he was saying and the body parts mentioned that I told her to request a female officer so she’d feel more comfortable.
It’s been a little while since we spoke and I told my older sister about it and she’s been asking me for updates. I told her I haven’t heard anything yet.
I understand what you’re saying, I get it, it’s just I’m under a lot of pressure.
I’m going to try very hard to do those things.
I spoke with my mom to verify what was done (nothing since her police department according to her only accepts a report if it was made online). I told her to get a piece of paper and take some notes. I gave her instructions to make that online report, to call her advisor at HACLA and discuss what has happened with the paperwork and what will happen next, and call the place my therapist gave me the number of so she could get more help. I made her make a special note to check her funds on her card tomorrow morning (since I’m not texting or calling her about it).
I made it extremely clear to her that I’m very burnt out and want to focus on myself. She seemed to accept it then said she was motivated to do it all.
I texted my older sister and reiterated that I’m focusing on myself now and that our mom might contact her but she was hesitant about it. When she said that I just told my mom to do whatever.
Sending lots of peace. You are trying really hard to find room for that right now. I can tell.
Okay, so you can't do anything about the police report or whether your mom calls someone else for help. We can hope that the homeless guy is too drunk to follow through on anything (and I think that is probably the case). But I know that it feels horrible for you and for your mom.
Give everything all some time to settle down. Try to avoid calling for any reason for 48 hours at least.
How are you doing on eating and exercise? Try to keep avoiding letting the chaos control how you take care of the basics. The good eating and exercise give you the energy for everything else. Keep reminding yourself of that.@integrityblues
It has been really busy and really upsetting. My mom texted me this morning and I didn’t answer because she was just saying everything was okay.
Then later on I got an email from Spectrum about her mobile account. Her payment didn’t go through because she’d gotten a new payment card, so I found the phone number she’d need to call to take care of it and texted it to her with a note about the problem she needs to fix.
Hours later I got a call that went to voicemail because I was in the middle of doing a load of laundry and taking a shower. Turns out it was my mom telling me that she’s at the hospital because her breathing is bad and she’s got bad back pain.
I called because I needed to know more and she repeated the information and gave more details about the other things she’d accomplished that morning. She’s going to have her Section 8 voucher for 8 more months.
The homeless man problem was “fixed” when my mom spoke to the man and said that she could only be his friend and she wasn’t interested in anything else.
I’m tired and sore, but my hair is clean and I’m going to have nice clean clothes to wear. I even remade my bed.
I got a Starbucks drink today and it was okay. I had a danish and a petite scone too. I’m making Mac and cheese for dinner. I’ll get my food stamps on Wednesday so I’ll be able to get some healthier options for food.
My legs aren’t as sore as they’ve been all weekend and it made it easier for me to get out there and walk around in the sunshine. I saw so many cute dogs, and that was very nice.
My mom literally just called to say she was going home from the hospital and that everything as fine- no illness, no infections. The most she said was that she has angina which isn’t surprising since she’s been under so much stress, doesn’t see a dr regularly, and stopped taking a her blood pressure medication. I know for sure that she was taking statins but there was something else too. Not that she’ll tell me.
She said her feet hurt from walking since she’d forgotten where the bus stops were and finally said she’d just Uber home. I agreed that it was a good idea since it’s dark out and she needs to be safe at home.