My 7 Cups Dream Journal
Entry 1: The Boxes of Cats
It was a little strange but what I remember most is visiting a house that was in my old neighborhood that I’d recently moved from (it really wasn’t, so dream logic) but I came back to collect something I left or my mother left.
It was very sad and the people who were there now were sort of okay with me wandering around and looking. I kept noticing the signs that I’d once lived there (painted over places that still revealed chipped paint and stuff I recognized from my apartment).
Then I looked beneath a couch or table and found boxes full of kittens. Two boxes were full of meowing kittens in water that the new home owners had no idea were there, and one more box held a very dead cat that was an older one from a previous litter. All of the kittens were starving without their mother and I knew that it was the reason why the older one passed.
The new owners suddenly smelled the dead cat and I took it upon myself to get rid of it. When I came back an hour later all of the kittens were gone, and when I was walking past another house I could see all the kittens. They’d all grown up into adult cats!
Well you did a lot for your mom today. That's good. But don't follow up too much, okay? Remember you can't go over there every week and take care of yourself. Your shoulder won't heal without more rest. I know that today was the first of the month so you call her that day. So that's all good.
I am glad that you had further discussions on the job development front too. You are going to get there.
I talked with a colleague who teaches fiction writing and journalism at my school about NaMo and mentioned that I had a friend who was sorry that it was shutting down. She knew of the organization and said she would keep her eyes open for similar groups that you might be able to try instead.
Sending a peaceful sleep.
Thanks bestVase. Oh yes, my shoulder was definitely aching after all the travel and doing the stuff with my mom. I had to take a long hot shower once I was home and skipped dinner because it was already past 8.
I have no intention of going there once a week. She’ll find a way to do most of the things she needs to do but this was rather critical. I’m also glad I had the opportunity to tell her that yes the social worker was real, it was going to be okay, and that she should work with him so she can get some assistance.
Hopefully I’ll be able to truly take time away from her personal care that involves me going in person.
I need to focus on my own apartment, my own health, and my own job hunting.
I think that I’ll still let November be my big “writing for fun” month even when National Novel Writing Month is gone. I have a good friend I talk to about writing all the time. If something new comes along that could replace it I can look at it too.
Thankfully my sleep was fairly peaceful since I was so worn out, but I woke up early with shoulder pain of course.
I’m hoping I got my SSDI is in. I’ve got so much I need to do!
You are on the right path to self care.
I am trying to stay on that path too. My therapist basically told me today that I needed to cut back on 7 Cups a bit because it was causing me trauma. I am so empathetic that I am absorbing other people's pain and then not sleeping.
Most definitely this is not you in particular. I have a teen from overseas that I have been working with for two years and she refuses to do anything to help herself mental health wise. I can't be ending my night every night wondering if she will be alive the next night.
So I will continue to do be here and write as often as I can, but know if I take a night off that it has nothing to do with you. I need to get to the point that I know I have a job for next year and that I don't feel like the U.S. is about to collapse into the political nightmare I am constantly imagining. I will be back as soon as I can. @integrityblues
I understand. Please take all the time you need.
The political climate is so unsettling, so I understand the fear.
Please get plenty of rest!
I really didn’t want to go to gamer’s group today but I’d been away too long and needed to try and socialize in spite of my shoulder pain. I got a nice fancy coffee Frappuccino and ended up waiting a long time in the lobby chatting with one of the other group members.
Group was very small and the wow worker wasn’t there so we just watched The Mask. I’d make comments as I was playing a mobile game. I’d seen the film over and over when I was a kid so I didn’t even need to look at the screen to know what was happening. The dog Milo was always my favorite but I enjoyed it even more today when I realized that he’s a Jack Russell Terrier.
I went home and got Taco Bell for lunch, and after I rested and digested I moved the trash cans myself and threw out my trash. I left to get my Target order and buy some disinfectant spray while it was still light out.
I was so sore and tired when I got home that I decided to take a very hot shower and use my one of my new bars of soap and the toothpaste I’d picked up.
I’m hoping that my back and shoulder don’t hurt when I go to sleep. I’d like to be able to get up and kick the trash cans off the curb tomorrow morning and just lay down again to ice my injection site.
My mom texted that she’d talked to the social worker and that he’s very nice. When he asked what she needed my mom said she wanted to see a therapist. I praised her for going through with the conversation and then because I’d just gotten my updated ebt card I told her to check her mail for hers. They’ve all been updated to provide fraud protection so I wanted to make sure she gets hers and knows how to use it, but more to the point to not mix it up with the old card.
My Zoom with the job developer was okay.
My fingers are nice and numb still. I’d managed to get enough sleep on my back supporting my right arm with a pillow.
I’m just very tired. I got the trash cans off the curb, hauled them back, but after a day of overuse I could only get the last three trash cans safe behind our gate and lay down. I asked my neighbor to please put them in their spots.
Both of your messages overall are good except for the shoulder pain. I am sorry for that and hope the continued ice and heat will help with the healing.
But it is great that you went to the group anyway. It sounded like it was a good decision. What's nice about being out is that you end up not feeling the physical pain as bad usually because you are distracted.
It is also great news about your mom. She is also taking steps to help herself.
I am okay today, but the morning was tough. I ended up not going to an afternoon meeting because I knew that it would be lots of pretty upset people and I didn't think my brain could handle that. So I binge-watched The Residence on Netflix instead. It was an unbelievably fantastic series. Funny and dramatic in all the right ways. Very well written.
I’m glad you got a chance to decompress and binge-watched stuff on Netflix.
I got an another app for reading ebooks from the state colleges. I’m reading a manga series I haven’t been able to find anywhere else, and have some ebooks/audiobooks reserved.
Ooh I’m hating my shoulder so very much. I woke up at 1 a.m. this morning from the pain radiating from my shoulder and down to my elbow. My fingers are numb off and on so it has to be nerve compression. It’s been almost two weeks since that drs appointment and I think I need to go back. I’ll make an appointment on Monday or just go to the Urgent Care even though I really hate the idea.
I also made the mistake of watching news clips on YouTube so now I’m frustrated everything that’s happening.
Ugh. I am so sorry for all the shoulder issues. It is so frustrating to be patient when you don't know when the pain is going to end.
I hope that you get some relief soon and that reading the e-books helps a bit. @integrityblues
Thanks bestVase. I’m just trying to ignore it as much as I can and not overdo it with the medicines. I’ve been using ice and heat more today, but I’m feeling so bad after the heat that I think I should just use ice only for now.
Your body will tell you which treatment is helping the most. I hope today was a little better and you are able to get out at least a little bit. @integrityblues
I got out yesterday only to do laundry. I was careful and used my cart to drag things. I washed my big comfy blanket, a sheet and pillowcases, and so on. I still had a massive pile of clothes at home that I’d sorted through.
Before that I’d been trying to get in touch with my mom because I’d been in so much pain the last two days. She finally answered and we talked a little. We also talked about the Spectrum Mobile bill I’d gotten an email reminder for her.
She eventually called them up after I gave her the right number to call (she called the wrong one first) and paid it off early because she was worried that she wasn’t going to have the money still on the 26th.
All good news though I know you are still in pain. You are moving around a bit and that will help you heal. Things also sound okay with your mom.
Still waiting on my end. Each day is passing very slowly. @integrityblues
I went to therapy and learned to hat my therapist is getting a new and better job, so she won’t be my therapist for long. It’s not awesome for me so all I can hope for is that the next one doesn’t suck.
I’ve been fighting it off but I’ve now got a cold in addition to everything else. I’ve got orange juice and tea now.
It’s true, the days are passing very slowly. I hope you’re getting all the rest you need.
Ugh. Sorry about the cold. Orange juice, tea and soup are all good.
Changing therapists isn't easy, but sometimes the new person ends up working out better than the old. Yes, there is lots of explanation that you have to do at the beginning, but sometimes that can be healing. But I do know that it tough news to get especially with a head cold.
Sending peace.
Yes, I’m trying to get better and rest. I’m not going to gamers group until the cold is no longer contagious. My neighbor will haul the trash cans for me since all the times I’ve had to use my right arm has aggravated my shoulder.
I hope that you are feeling a bit better this evening. Sorry that I missed yesterday. It was a bit chaotic, but it is slightly better tonight.
It’s okay bestVase. My cold is now a little bit worse with even more coughing and my shoulder is the same. It gets a little better and I get all excited that I can move it or feel my fingers more and then I’ll overdo it and it will be painful and stupid. I’m strictly icing and doing ibuprofen several times a day with some Tylenol. I’m also doing the physical therapy exercises and massaging the knot in my shoulder. I can comfortably reach it with either hand without stressing my shoulder, so I’ve taken it as a good sign. I’m still being cautious about what I do- I only moved the trash cans this afternoon because they were empty and I was very careful.
This Sunday is my friend’s birthday and because she’s dead I usually just go get a cup of her favorite coffee (a Starbucks Willow Blonde Roast that I don’t think they make anymore) and her favorite donut (a glazed twist or a maple bar). Sometimes I’d make a pineapple upside down cake because she’d mentioned that since her birthday always fell on the high holy days she couldn’t have anything else because of the dietary restrictions, so the times she’d had a birthday Id invite her over to have some pineapple upside down cake and celebrate.
But I don’t really want to do anything food related this year. I’ve decided that I’d just do some of her favorite things. I’m going to go for a nice walk and say hi to all the dogs I see because she was such a dog person and had the best dog ever (he was an older Jack Russell Terrier and was born with way too much personality, but he passed the week before she did when he was put down after a stroke).
I’m going to go to the library and try to pick up a couple of her favorite books or authors. She loved mysteries by Sue Grafton and Faye Kellerman, and also anything by Leon Uris. She’d told me that I should read Trinity and fall in love with Conor Larkin and then read Exodus for Ari Ben Canaan, but it’s been so long I have no idea if she thought I’d fall in love with his character or not.
So I’m going to do a lot of resting and reading this weekend. I’ll apply to the only job my developer showed me the lead for because she’d not sent me any of the others we discussed that day.
I dreamt that during a family party I’d noticed that I’d cracked one of my teeth, then had to keep explaining it to my aunt. I had to open my mouth wide and show her, then I got frustrated and went into the bathroom to brush my teeth. As I was looking in the mirror and using my electric toothbrush I noticed that several of my molars had snapped off so all that was there were these jagged tails of bone.
I love the idea of walking and going to the library to pick up some of your friends favorite books to read. That is such a beautiful way to remember her. It feels a lot deeper than eating which you only do for one meal or two. Walking and reading are ways to really touch someone's soul.
I am glad that your shoulder is a little better even if the head cold is worse. You have been very patient with that shoulder and it looks like your hard work is paying off. The head cold will go away too. The middle of those right before you truly begin to feel better is the worst.
My day and week continue to be pretty hard. Hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight. The insomnia is hard to manage which is leading to panic attacks during the day.
Thanks bestVase. I ended up getting an audiobook of “A is for Alibi” by Sue Grafton because I can listen to the book while I walk around outside or do light chores tomorrow. I couldn’t find ebooks or audiobooks of the others, but later on I’m totally going to read “Trinity” by Leon Uris because she loved it so much and spoke so highly of the main character.
I saw so many cute dogs today and hope to see even more tomorrow.
I need to prepare for my Zoom on Monday too but I’m not that enthusiastic about it.
I’m sorry your week has been so hard. Insomnia is no joke and panic attacks are bad. I looked it up and trouble with insomnia is that the less sleep we get the easier it is to have the attacks.
Good sleep hygiene is helpful. Also relaxation techniques and routines.
I know when I used to have mine I’d have to talk to my best friend, then once the main event was over I’d distract myself with an activity. I would do a lot of writing, play video games, or listen to music.
I’m sure you’ll find your method to ease the attacks and get better sleep.
The books sound great and I am glad that you got to see dogs.
I hope that your meeting goes better than you think.
I slept better last night so most of today with the exception of this evening was okay. My challenge is not getting to sleep. It is staying there. Waking up at 3:30 is no joke.
But you are right about the sleep hygiene. It is the one of the reasons that I need to cut back on Cups a bit because I do it right before bed. There is someone else that I was speaking to nightly who kept threatening suicide nightly. I finally had to really cut contact with her. I couldn't sleep because I was worried about her. @integrityblues
Yes, the book was good. I just finished it. I also got to walk around and say hello to lots of cute dogs this morning as I walked to my library to drop off a book and to the store because I wanted orange juice and soup.
I’m going to try and think positively about the meeting.
I’m glad you slept a little better, but yes I get the waking up at 3:30 thing. When I’m especially anxious or dealing with stuff I tend to toss and turn and wake up several times at night, and with the way the shoulder pain was progressing the last few weeks I’d been waking myself up at 1:00 and 3:00 from that.
Cutting back on Cups was the best choice to make. There’s other sleep hygiene things that can be helpful like not drinking caffeinated things hours before bed, reducing the amount of water you drink too so you don’t wake yourself up to go to the restroom, and not using electronics or something.
I’m less vigilant about the last one because I fall asleep listening to my tv, so it’s all about what works best for you.
My mom texted me again today. She has a habit of taking a very long time to answer any text messages (if to avoid calling her I sometimes just text).
Like yesterday it was her asking me if I heard the people racing in the street and I told her I could because my city does a Grand Prix which I hate sometimes because it’s so noisy. There were people racing in her neighborhood too so it was a coincidence or people were hyped about the event.
She told me she was ok and that my younger sister and the dog came by for an hour and I didn’t really say anything in response except that I’m glad she, my mom, was okay. I also reminded her that we’d talk on the phone on May 1st.
She texted a thank you just now and asked if it was going to be the 1st. I patiently reiterated it and reminded her that we’d also talk that day about paying her rent when she got her first check, that I have her property management portal log in info and saved her card to her account to make it easier. I won’t have to go in person.
Please get lots of rest bestVase.
I think that book series has one for each letter. You could read B next. I can't remember if I mentioned it, but I recently finished "The Residence" on Netflix. It is a really fantastic murder mystery in the White House. Very funny and intriguing.
I continue to toss and turn quite a bit rather than really sleeping. I am hopeful that they will finally tell me about my job contract for next year tomorrow. April 15th is supposed to be the deadline. I have been at my job for 25 years so waiting this long has been truly horrific. I am really not sure how I will feel after I hear anyway. I am pretty angry about working so hard and then being treated this way. But I am trying hard to process it. @integrityblues
I’m so sorry. Having all of that weighing on you must not make the insomnia any better.
Yes you did mention that show and it does look very interesting! It’s on my to watch list.
The book series does have a title stating with each word of the alphabet, all except Z because it was going to be published that year (according to her website at the time) but she passed away from a long battle with cancer. So the family basically said, “No, the alphabet ends with Y for us” and the last book was never published. To be fair I don’t know how much had been completed. Grafton was very against having any of her works ghost written too.
I believe I got as far as U is for Undertow, then the author died and I let the books rest for awhile. I’d like to read all the way to the last entry Y is for Yesterday, so I’ll start that too.
I spoke with my aunt this morning and she said she’s sending me a massage gun. My hand hurt so bad from the numbness that I had to do most of my Zoom with an ice pack pressed against the back of my hand. I applied to the one lead that I could possibly handle (the other three were too much and one was a repeat that so can’t apply for again).
I ended up talking to my mom after she texted me earlier. She’d sent a confusing text that I didn’t understand: she was talking about cleaning out her closet. I spoke with her for a bit after and she mentioned that she accidentally turned the temp down for her fridge and lost a bunch of frozen meals and had plenty of food spoil.
She also mentioned that my sister visited with Puppy and that the lil guy is having some soreness and pain in his neck from where he’d been attacked two years ago. That my sister had never paid the vet bill for the attack that resulted in him losing most of one ear, but that doesn’t surprise me. I suggested that my mom tell my sister to try a wrapped ice pack for the neck pain in the meantime. I didn’t want to say anything about ibuprofen because she could accidentally give the dog way too much and he’d get sick or die.
My mom finally said something nice- she mentioned that she went back to the Kingdom Hall for a Jehovah’s Witness meeting. It’s been years since she left, and while she doesn’t want to be baptized and have to break ties with her kids, she does like to be around a nice group of people who know her. I told her that it’s why I go to my gamer’s group and encouraged her to continue if it made her happy.
I’m going to put in my EarPods and listen to a book or music while I do a few more dishes.
Periods very much make all of that stuff worse. But the one good thing is that after the first 24-48 hours that things start to let up. I hope that is true for your pain.
It sounds like things overall are starting to head a better direction. You are going to get through the pain and start functioning better again.
I hope that you got a good chance to read a book today and maybe take another walk.
Mine are usually the worst on the second and third day because of all the cramping. Then it eases into something more normal for me, but it’s extra frustrating because everything wrong with my slowly healing shoulder is exacerbated by things I have to do during this time.
If I’m lucky I’ll be finished with it by day six, so maybe on the 21st.
I made myself go to gamer’s group because I’m finally feeling better from my cold but I was so worn out after getting there and dealing with some shoulder pain and hand numbness. I played one game of Uno and stayed awhile playing along with them as we all watched Would You Rather or Trivia videos on YouTube. I left early to catch a bus.
I hauled the trash cans out and then after I rested for awhile I put together a email to someone from my property management company asking if this strange pipe that was left behind was ever going to be moved by the ones who did repairs to the water damage and treated the mold in our other building on this property.
She got back to me to say that the reason all work was stopped on the building was because of an issue with insurance, and that once the issue is resolved we’d see if the workers needed it or not.
I played video games for a little bit and then laid down and didn’t use any WiFi so my cellphone could finally finish backing up. While I was waiting for that to happen I was reading a book.
I also listened to an audiobook while I was traveling to and from the place I go to for gamer’s group.